Loud Whispers With JOSEPH EDGAR

Nigeria, We Hail Thee!

I’m not even going to make any comments on the  old (new) national anthem. I am beyond angry and will generally just keep quiet. So, all of you asking me for my thoughts should please just leave me alone. There are times when silence even for me is golden and this is one of those times.

So, it’s one year since we heard those powerful words that disrupted our lives – subsidy is gone. Baba stood on the podium and said it with so much confidence and from that moment millions were driven into poverty, insecurity ramped up and we entered the era of “agbadoism” in government.

When I looked very closely at the list of achievements in the last year of daddy’s administration, the only major achievement that is there is this national anthem. I swear, the only worthwhile achievement that we are seeing after one year is the smooth transition from the anthem Obasanjo gave us to this one that the colonials fostered on us at independence. Every other thing there, he could have achieved as Chairman of Eti-Osa Local Government instead of President and Commander-in-Chief.

My people, if you think I am joking, oya take Governor Ododo’s 100 days in government list of achievements where he listed meetings with the NSA as an achievement and compare with this our baba’s own and come and tell me which one carries more weight.

I think President Tinubu should seriously start governing now. The last year has been that of a learning curve. To be taken much more seriously, he has to tackle the economy headlong, forge better international relations, tackle insecurity and build better cohesion amongst Nigerians.

The first thing to do at this point is a cabinet reshuffle. Some ministers should leave so that he can better build a much more responsive cabinet. A cabinet that understands the very important assignment of rebuilding Nigeria.

We really would not like to see this kind of scorecard next year. This was pitiably shameful. I only hope that when there is nothing cogent to report next year, we will change the National Pledge o. Kai

It’s Time up for Nyesom Wike

Dear President Tinubu, very seriously, I am one of your strongest fans. I might be yabbing you up and down but deep down in my heart, I really love you. Spent some time with one of your sons at a football match in London the other day and he was such a respectful and nice guy. He had a very beautiful lady with him who was eyeing me, but because of my love for you, I pitied him and left his girl for him.

So, I write to you from the deep love I have for you. I really do not understand why Mr. Wike made your cabinet. I want to believe that he must have made the team as a reward for the yeoman’s role he played at the elections. But daddy, it is one year and the need to make a very surgical move on your cabinet starting from him has become very imperative.

He brings a debilitating contradiction to your imagery. He is of another party – which in itself is not bad, but he seems to leverage his cabinet position to push spurious agendas which throws some very funny lights on your administration. He is unpredictable, a loose cannon and really not a cohesive team player. Rabidly ambitious and attracting very negative public perception, which invariably rubs very negatively on not only your administration but on your person as the father of the nation.

If you would like to retain him for any purpose, kindly shift him to defence, so that he can push all of those energies into the war against insecurity. Please, make sure he goes with his musicians so that as the war is going on, they will be singing “Wike pepper dem.”

Mr. President, I write this in a very light and jocular manner but I really want to believe that the seriousness of my message to you will not be lost on you.

While you are at it sir, please send for Ngele and Uncle Bayo’s file for the same Wike treatment.

God bless you sir and may God give you a better rewarding “rest of tenure,” because this last one year ehn, na kunkunu.

Oby Ezekwesili, Go to Court

Mummy at times used to do like me – just talk without thinking. We have been inundated with tweets allegedly from her on this national anthem thing. Everybody is angry o, people don’t understand why inflation is at 40%, unemployment at its highest and people literally eating from the dustbin, that a change of national anthem is now what is very imperative to the government.

Almost every Nigerian, except those who have signed this into law, is beside themselves in surprise and anger but Mummy now took her own to another level according to the reports that I have seen.

Mummy has allegedly said that as far as she was concerned, this new national anthem is not her own o. That she will remain with the old one. E be like say, Mummy is joking with treason. If that statement was credited to a market woman from my village, I would not even waste my valuable time in writing this piece, but reportedly coming from such a huge personality?

Let me remind her and especially the young ones who litter social media where that statement was said to have been made and who would easily get the wrong notion- once something has been signed to law, you must obey. If you don’t like it, you go to court. If dem sing national anthem and you do Oby Ezekwesili, what you will see with your eyes, you must be ready for it o.

Me, I am not there o. I do not agree with that one o. That position is lacking common sense and someone should call madam the next time she is off to the salon, not to be making those kinds of misleading statements o.

If she is not happy, she should contact Falana, he has not retired or she should contact the LP actor turned lawyer who used to talk during TV interviews like he is a GO in church, they can help her matter up to the Supreme Court. Thank you, ma.

Prof. Wole Soyinka Just Got Old

I think after President Tinubu and maybe Bobrisky, Prof Wole Soyinka is now the most hated Nigerian if you take social media as your pool of measure. The way they have been going at Baba, you will even wonder why he still has full hair. The gloves are off and everybody and anybody is just tearing at the Baba without any modicum of respect or fear.

I do not subscribe to all the abuse and insults. Baba has a right to his opinion and has a right to support whoever he wants to support. So, launching abuses at him, disparaging his pedigree and even trying to rubbish his well-deserved Nobel prize is sad and low.

Everybody cannot be on the same side na. If Baba refuses to see the sufferings of the masses, the nepotism-driven government he is supporting, the madness and confusing policy summersaults that have led to the pooling of the largest numbers of Nigerians into a poverty trap, then that is really up to him and the gods he worships.

I respect age, I do not play with the elderly and as a well-brought up Akwa Ibom man, I will never subscribe to the verbal lynching of a man so astute and of such glorious age.

I plan to go see Prof one of these days to distract him from making these public statements. We need to treat him the way we treat our aged grandparents – cuddle him, give him “ogi” to take, cover him in warm clothing, watch cartoons with him, sing a lovely lullaby so he can sleep and then switch off the lights and tiptoe out of the room.

When he wakes up, show him some porn so he can remember the good old days, give him some afang, read The Man Died for him and show him footage of him taking over the radio station and also of him when he was a “man” and when he starts crying, pet him again and surround him with five very beautiful virgins who will dance naked around him and he will just be shaking his head wishing he was twenty years younger as he will be seeing and cannot touch.

My people, please stop all the abuse and insults. This is a national institution, a fighter and a very strong champion of the masses who just got old. It happens to everybody. Thank you.

Sam Adeyemi: A Different Kind of Rapture

Last week, I commented on this Man of God who had dreams. According to reports I monitored, he was said to have relocated as a result of a series of dreams, warning him not to come back. Mind you, it was not only him that had those dreams o. His wife also was visited by these terrible dreams and some elders of his church had the same dreams. So as a result of these warnings, he decided to relocate to the US and from there run his church.

As I fired on WhatsApp, someone now sent me the video clip of another big General Overseer who has over 80 branches in the UK and is over 80 years old and has also run away. Then another person reminded me of the handsome preacher whose church is on the rock who also talked about a Plan B.

My people, I am afraid o. You know what I am fearful of? Na maybe war wants to come o. These people cannot be running away because of economic hardship o. That one is not their portion o with the kind of tithe they receive o. See 40,000 strong member church and calculate the tithe, the non-taxable revenue is more than most quoted companies on the stock exchange.

So, it cannot be the economy and if it is not the economy, then what can it be? Me, I am really afraid, ahhhhh! I hope it is not the Rwanda-type thing they have shown them in these dreams o. Maybe it is bloodshed ever unimaginable that these set of people are running away from and leaving their Rolls Royce lifestyle behind.

Please, can someone very close to Pastor Adeyemi really beg him to tell us what exactly he saw in those dreams o? Can he be a little bit more explicit? Fear is really catching me o. Kai.

For Aigboje Aig-Imoukhuede, It’s a Lifetime of Achievements

In faraway Kenya, my big brother was awarded a lifetime achievement in banking by a well-respected journal – African banker. The award also came with a session with the President of Kenya where Aigboje had very fruitful discussions about many things.

You see, Aigboje’s trajectory needs to be studied. I read his book — tarmac something — and started seeing him with another eye. In fact, anybody who has not read the book, should buy it and read it, and you will see through the grit determination, sleepless nights, risk to health and crazy positivism, he and Herbert built one of the biggest financial institutions on the continent. It is no wonder that this kind of accolade keeps coming at him.

You see guys, I just came back from London, you guys didn’t hear? I have been in London for the last two weeks o, so if you see me now, you will not believe. I am so handsome now and my skin is like Buhari’s own.

Anyway, I saw a lot of Aigboje’s age mates sweeping the train station and doing all sorts of menial jobs. The Japa dream is now a nightmare for most and the story of people like Aigboje must be told very strongly too. They burnt the midnight oil, suffered and toiled to build an institution that is employing 10,000 people complete with manifest benefits to millions.

They did not run away at the slightest challenge to become second-rate citizens and living from mouth to mouth, they stayed and roughed it. Just go and read the book and see the tears they cried, the suffering, the disappointments, everything.

This is the spirit we should bottle and sell – the Aigboje spirit. This is the story that needs to be told and entrenched so that Nigerians can stay back and build their country to the point that British people will be running here.

Mbok, Editor no vex, I am very emotional about Nigeria today. People like Aigboje are making things happen despite the challenges and we need to push the narrative so that our people can regain their dignity.

Well done, my egbon.

Chioma Okoli: Trauma Enhanced

When I read the report showing that the tomato reviewer has been remanded in prison till her bail hearing comes up, I shouted “opari”. Shebi this thing na a civil case abi is it criminal case? Me I don’t know how the judiciary works and you will forgive me o. I saw a report of a man who stole billions of pension money and was asked to pay a tiny fine and go and sin no more. But in Ekiti, they have been jailing people for centuries for stealing “china phones” and now this one is going to jail because she said there was too much sugar in the paste. This is why people in police trouble will do anything not to go to court. Court is now seen as very punitive rather than where you will go to get justice.

The lady is not a hardened criminal, she has not been charged with high treason or mass murder, all she did was just say – there was too much sugar in the paste and see all she has to go through. Mbok, is there nowhere in the law where the judge can use fatherly discretion to even release her to her lawyer or something? Why prison for such a soft alleged offence? All our First Ladies will not see this one o and our Minister of Women Affairs will also not see this one o. Which kind wahala is this na? Please, help us just release this lady o, she just said there was too much sugar, she didn’t throw a bomb o.

Kehinde Bankole: An Elegant Offshoot

I once sat with this elegant beauty at Freedom Park. Kai, the woman fine o. Her skin is like olive oil and her smile can make Wike forgive Fubara. She is also so talented and gifted that her appearance in the new movie ‘Offshoot’ produced by my sister Toyin Adewumi is a sure-fire hit.

Once in a while, a star shoots into the firmament and this time around, Kehinde has taken the stratosphere by force. She reigns with elegance and an allure that will disarm all but the strongest of men.

If you think I am exaggerating, just go and see her in the movie  ‘Offshoot,’ coming up in cinemas on June 14 nationwide. I have watched it and my mouth is still very open from amazement. I dare you, go and watch and see if you will be able to shut your mouth. Kai.