Loud Whispers  with JOSEPH EDGAR

Nasir El-Rufai: Pharoah Under Siege

Nasir El-Rufai has lost appetite, abi who will still be able to eat with the kind of allegation that has been flung on his skinny neck by the Kaduna State House of Assembly. They have said that the man “chopped” over N400billion and used heavy words such as ‘money laundering’ and ‘abuse of office’ on him. They now recommended that he be prosecuted.

As a well-known crisis manager, my first advice is to ask his errant son to stay clear. This is not the time to be abusing people and be opening eye like someone who has taken “kparanga” and be making all sorts of accusations. If you ask me, I will say that his attitude has contributed in no small measure to this matter.

Secondly, Nasir – I go call am first name now abi, shebi he get problem- should immediately run to the chairman of the governors’ forum and explain his side and allow that one to lead a mediation council. The way I am seeing this Kaduna State people, they really mean to embarrass oga o.

Oga’s people have issued the usual statement denying all wrongdoings and stating among others that the people who served under him have all faced the panel because of the confidence they had in the system and bla bla bla.

See ehn, in things like this, you have to move very delicately and strategically. We all know that this is the usual pantomime that goes on between politicians and really nothing comes out of it. I think it was Obasanjo who was the last person to jail a heavyweight politician but that said, while this drama is still going on, let us just for a second believe that the Kaduna State Government will go the whole hog on this and advise Mallam accordingly.

Mallam, do not be worried, you are innocent until proven guilty by a competent court.

Whatever it is that Oga you have done to annoy your successors, kindly go and appease them even if it means sending them rams and virgins so that we can be spared all this drama because we all know how it will all end. Thank you.

Wale Edun as the Man in the Mirror

Let me confess first, in recent times, I have been very harsh on the honourable minister not only because I believe he is not very aggressive enough in his tackling of the myriad of problems the economy is throwing up, but because the only play of mine that he has watched, he came with a complimentary ticket. This is my real grouse with him and not because all economic indices have gone haywire under his watch.

But seriously, I watched him very intently for two minutes on that last TV interview and I must say, he did not come out with the Buhari’s body language that used to move the stock exchange. What I gleaned from that brief encounter with him was that of a man who was not really sure of himself or what was expected from him.

Let me help, egbon: you have to speak very boldly, look into the camera and speak like Abacha. Seriously, communication and a sense of sure-footedness in these things go a long way. But if you are speaking with your eyes darting here and there, people will be thinking that this man has seen things that if he talks, heaven will fall. The confidence level in your public carriage must be ramped up. Show that you are in charge and every other thing will fall into place.

Furthermore, I am happy that you have finally come out to confirm as reported that you have been paying subsidy. You see, I didn’t understand why all the “boju boju.” There is no way that the only price that has been stable since you came in was fuel price and we will not know that some kind of subsidy was being paid. Even condoms have gone up by over 500%. Something that we used to buy at N20 when we started this career is now over N3,000. The way it is going, the cost of condoms will soon pass the cost of treating STDs and at that point…

Secondly, I am happy that you have submitted a master plan to curb inflation. I have not read the report yet but I saw you submitting it to Oga. You see why I have problems with you, something like that, you did not send it to me to go through before submitting it now. If it does not work now, you will start blaming your village people.

My brother, let me tell you very categorically, that your performance record in this past year has been less than stellar and if I am going to score you, I’ll give you 23% simply because I think you are targeting me in this your poor performance.

The cost of hotel rooms trippled, diesel cost trippled, condom cost as earlier mentioned trippled, cab fare to bring associate to the venue of “meeting” trippled, cost of bleaching cream trippled, cost of hair trippled, cost of drinks trippled, Mr. Edun how exactly have I offended you? Please, what exactly have I done wrong that you do this to me? Kai.

Ajuri Ngelale vs Bayo Onanuga: An Inconvenient Marriage

These two remind me of the famous comedy duo – Papi Luwe and Aderupopo with the way they are going and this is what you get when you turn appointments into a reward scheme.

I have always stood my ground that in the Nigeria of today, Mr. Onanuga cannot be in the mix of things and in that capacity, the man should just go. An expert in guerrilla journalism who fought the military to a standstill? He should be given a medal of honour and retired with full benefits. He has served judiciously well.

This is a totally different epoch. This is a fast-paced, digitally enhanced epoch where thinking on your feet and pushing technology to achieve your set purpose is required. Onanuga at Aso Rock is like leaving my papa in a banking hall as bank manager today; he will run mad with the tech gizmos of the Fintech firms.

Ngelale on the other hand should be contesting for Big Brother Nigeria. He will be a favourite, especially in the bathroom scene with that lovely skin. His immaturity and eagerness to please are all so glaring. The missteps are horrendous and he does not come with the calmness and depth of managing communications and information at that level.

Sadly, while these two are busy with their shenanigans, the government is taking a beating. Kai, the public rating of this administration is the lowest since the end of the military regime. Even Abacha may begin to look better if it continues like this.

Mr. President sir, can you kindly do yourself a favour by sacking these two and bringing some very well-qualified communications experts who understand the fine points of crisis management and positioning? Let’s not wait until these two allow Nigerians to start pelting you with tomatoes before you make a move.

This presidency deserves better. I tell you. You can try Rufai Oseni as a replacement – Lol, I don mad.

Governor Dapo Abiodun, This is Not Fair

Since His Excellency started wearing those round glasses, he does not take jokes o. Any small attempt to yab him, his people will finish you o. Come and see how they finished my egbon, Ladi. That one, still dey vex from elections, went to Oyo State to watch them commission 77km of road and instead of him to just eat the amala that they gave him there and keep quiet, he started talking.

He said that Dapo was launching a footpath and gutter and making mouth. Kai! If you know Dapo very well, you don’t taunt him like that o. Dapo does not turn the other cheek o. It is people like Umo Eno in Akwa Ibom State and maybe AbdulRahman AbdulRasaq in Kwara that used to just turn their cheeks and smile but not Dapo.

My people, they threw a sink at Ladi o. They called him an overfed brat amongst others. They asked him if he had managed his family not to talk of the six million people in Ogun? They portrayed him as an “oaf” and someone who is still feeding from his father.

Mbok, the abuse was too much for such a tiny offence. As I read, I was just screaming -ahhhh Dapoooooooo, eleyiiiiooooooo !!!!!! Eleyi of Ogun oti kpa egbon Ladi ooooo… na small remain, they would have told us that it is his father’s nanny that is bathing him o.

I have learnt not to be yabbing Dapo again o. His machinery for return yab is too lethal. From his Publicity Secretary of Ogun APC to this one who released this statement calling Ladi an overfed brat, their mouth is not good o.

My advice to Ladi is not to attempt to fight back o, he should just go and take his bath, take Panadol and switch off the lights and sleep, make BP no catch am. Since Eleyi’s people called me Amala buka eating writer, I don dey avoid Dapo and his team. Mbok, Ladi, who send you this kind assignment? See as they finish you. Ma bi nu egbon mi.

Bismarck Rewane’s Careless Whispers

Ok, this man has just scattered everything. He just stood there in his jerry curl and proclaimed that Ghana is now richer than us. See, we as Nigerians can take anything but not this one. He said we are now the fourth largest economy; we didn’t say anything. He said so many things in a chat. As he was just reeling out the statistics, I was nodding my head wondering where his salon was. The hair is so smooth and shiny, brushed back as usual, making him look like that pastor in Eddie Murphy’s ‘Coming to America.’

Then he dropped the bombshell and I died.  Ghana is richer than Nigeria. How can? Same Ghana that we got Ghana must-go bag from? Is this where Buhari and Tinubu have taken us to?

This is a disgrace and I sincerely hope that this Rewane man is joking o. This is why I like the military government. By now they would have given him frog jump till he redid that his yeye presentation.

Giant of Africa, we are not even competing with South Africa and Egypt, it is this Ghana o. These Ghana people that will be saying ‘Charleeeee’ na him come rich pass us. Ghanaaaaaaa!!!!!  Rewane, are you for real or is it Peter Obi who sent you to talk this kind thing? What is this na?

Please, go back to that your presentation and look at the slide very well and clean your glasses and tell us that it was a joke.

This is shameful and shameful to all of our leaders who have made this happen. I am in shameful tears. Ghanaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!. Kai.

 Akin Rotimi: A Spokesman from Heaven

Akin Rotimi is a friend and colleague. We worked together at the great BGL and till tomorrow, remain neighbours. Him dey downstairs and me I dey upstairs where we live. So you can imagine my joy when I saw his big fine face on the cover of THIDAY Style and they said he is the Spokesman for the House of Representatives.

Akin has come a long way from his King’s College days to his Albert Okumagba-aided introduction to Dr. Fayemi from where he has built a very powerful political career that has taken him to this point.

It is instructive to note at this point that the legendary Okumagba had a policy of fanning out his best brains into the system. A lot of BGL guys went in as PAs and SAs of ministers, governors, and the rest and Akin was one of those who made Fayemi’s team.

It is also instructive to further note that of all of them, I think Akin is the only one who has built his own political career to the point where he has won elections and is now a spokesman for the House.

One of his first points of action was to counter Labour’s assertion that the National Assembly members’ wages and packages are not in tune with the economy, comparing it to minimum wage and true to type, he was quoted as saying that it was to incite public anger against his colleague.

My brother Akin, shhhhhhh!!!!!!!  You guys are overfed cats, simple and short. Congrats my brother and well done.

Deborah Quickpen: A Pun in the Game

If my life depends on understanding the game of chess, then make I kuku go join Chief Obafemi Awolowo for heaven and plan a new confab. But this young prodigy discovered in Port Harcourt seems to have taken the space by storm.

The 11-year-old young lady has emerged as the National Chess champion and to further bring her prowess to the world, my brother Yemi Edun’s Daniel Ford, the UK massive Real Estate giant, has decided to match her with Tunde Onakoya, the Guinness World Record Holder to a brilliant match that would be holding in Lagos on June 11, 2024.

According to Yemi who has just flown in for the match, the idea is to push the game of chess nationally, engage and empower youths through the game and further bring to international limelight the huge talents that exist in Nigeria.

As I watched the two in a practice match, all I saw was the fast movement of hands and the pressing of something beside the table by both of them. The whole thing come make me dizzy and hungry.

Mbok, can I ask one small question, abeg what is the difference between chess and draft, the one we dey play for Shomolu

Patoranking Hits Harvard

Reggae sensation, Patrick Okorie better known as Patoranking has gone to Harvard o. Not anyhow school o but Harvard where he finished a difficult course, majoring in media and entertainment.  Pato as he is well known, has always been different from the grain. His carriage and deep lyrics show a man who was weaned out of a different cloth.

A career with no blemish or scandal has now been garnished by the sweet colouring of academic achievement. I can only at this point say a big thank you to the great star and to ask if he would be having a masterclass for his other colleagues to at least recoup some of the money he paid on school fees. Congrats my brother.