Loud Whispers

President Bola Tinubu: All Fall Down

I was on my way to see the new DG of the National Theatre, Tola Akerele, when my phone started misbehaving. I rushed straight to Saka Tinubu in Victoria Island where all sorts of magic can be wrought on a phone by our youths. They said it was the screen and that I had to change it. I was momentarily relieved until I heard the price. N600,000. I screamed. That is the price of a good piece of land in Ukanafun. They said dollars. I started cursing President Tinubu in my mind blaming his wonky economic policies for what was befalling Nigerians where very little things have turned into very major things. With N600,000  during Obasanjo’s administration, you could build  Dangote refinery o, but now it’s to be used to repair phone screens.

Anyway, I was offline as the phone had to be shut down, disembowelled and refitted. By the time I came back online, it was daddy stumbling, falling and possibly knocking his head on the metal rail of the parade jeep. Oh my God!!! I screamed and the youths that were around screamed in laughter and joy. They turned it into a pantomime.

Now I did not find the whole incident funny nor the reaction of the youths who had formed themselves into clusters of yabis, laughter and derogatory comments. What I quickly noticed was the “unity” in this disgraceful act. The whole of Nigeria was represented in this cacophony of stupidity. Every tribe was united in laughing at our president.

Even though the president made light of it all, claiming to have “dobale” for democracy, this is not something that should be taken lightly. One presidential aide had come out to say that it was a slip or something like that.

Mr. President is no spring chicken, he is not young and he is frail. Call it whatever you want to call it, Oga does not look fit and is certainly not Mr. Macho. Not that we expect that from him or anybody of that age and this is why every step must be taken to ensure his safety at all times.

For me, the president has not only surrounded himself with incompetence at cabinet level, he has also surrounded himself with incompetence around his health and safety. Who is his immediate security? Who are those who make up his medical team? Who is in charge of his mental health, and his psychological health? If you ask me, a complete overhaul of his security, health and safety circle should immediately be initiated. Apart from the embarrassment of our president falling all over the place like a punch-drunk boxer, his personal safety is very paramount. What if he got severely injured; what if he lost a set of teeth, what if he had a concussion, what if…? Abeg, it is not a laughing matter; heads should roll starting from his ADC to his doctors and all.

As I entered my car, the next thing that came to my head was ‘What if we had a female commander-in-chief in a skirt and that fall happened?’ Oh my God, make una leave me o.

Mr. President, It’s Time to Reshuffle Your Cabinet

Sir, let me beg you for the umpteenth time, to kindly reshuffle this cabinet now. Do it now. It is very very clear that it is not working. Apart from its size which makes it unwieldy and inefficient, some of the Ministers are just coasting along and looking like “dummies.”

They appear detached and carry themselves as if they are in some reality TV show. From that one who will be jumping from one school to the other anytime a child is slapped or interfering in wedding ceremonies and threatening to sue the United Nations, to the Trade and Investment Minister who is as inactive as they come. Big multinational firms are shutting down and we are not seeing any attempt by her or her ministry to stem the tide or even push for a replacement. Sports is virtually dead, your political son in the Solid Minerals ministry is like a fish out of water. Wike is running around like a mini–North Korean dictator and your defence minister is busy wearing starched agbada avoiding stains on the white apparel.

Your Foreign Affairs Minister is as quiet as a door mouse. In fact, we see Abike Dabiri more than we see him. Edun is trying, at least he is out there pushing and fighting. We may not be seeing the results just yet but he is fighting. The rest are just like drunken sailors in an orgy. Just cavorting, enjoying the perks and not even aware of the fire out there.

Please Mr. President when you heal from the fall, kindly look at this your cabinet again to infuse fresh young blood with the capacity and the effrontery to jump into the fray and fight for Nigeria. People with clean credentials, not politically affiliated and with a track of doing well in their chosen fields.

Permit me to crave your kind indulgence to name some names – Bimbo Ashiru readily comes to mind. He has done wonders with the giant Odu’a conglomerate, he understands policy having worked very closely in the public service and comes with a huge private sector experience with international clout. Others include my brother Jalo Waziri who is presently at the CSCS. His international reach is crazy. A capital market veteran with wide respect internationally and no known political affiliations that will drive him back. Pull in the Adeshina guy, he should calm down and stop all that “abutata” running around. He should come and take a serious senior cabinet role and once again put his money where his mouth is. Aigboje Aig-Imoukhuede, Umaru Kawiranga, Abike Dabiri, Valentine Ozigbo, Bayo Ogunlesi, Prof. Ahmed Yerima, Hadiza Bala Usman and even Nasir El Rufai and so many more.

Eighty per cent of your present cabinet have passed their sell-by date. Nobody will tell you. I have told you and let them come and beat me, I’m ready. Kai.

Asue Ighodalo, Kindly Ignore Sir

If you take a leisurely ride through Benin City, the Edo State capital, you will notice that almost all the billboards and posters of Asue Ighodalo, the PDP gubernatorial candidate and firm frontrunner, have been totally obliterated. While this is not new in Nigerian politics, especially in the run-up to a very sensitive election like this, it still leaves a very bitter taste. As I surveyed the pictures, I noticed something very sinister and almost comedic at the same time. In some of the posters, they pricked his eyes, others tore his mouth and yet others gave him tribal marks as if to confuse the electorate that he is an Ogbomoso man.

One would have thought that with the calibre of candidates on show, the campaigns would be a little bit more civilised. Which one is all this defacement and banal behaviour?

Asue doesn’t seem perturbed by all these as I have learnt that he remains very focused and calm, refusing to engage or shout on this very disturbing issue. From what I have learnt, he is heads over shoulders in front of the race as he remains quite popular amongst strategic and influential demographics. His message is resonating quite well and entrenching itself in the minds of registered voters.

With what I can see so far o, I just may be calling the election in his favour. This might be far-fetched considering that the elections are still a little bit way off, but if he sustains this momentum, then I will just say that it will be an Ighodalo victory.

The only other issue here is that Oga should put password on his phone o. The other day his phone called me on video and I picked up, thinking that he wanted to greet me, only for me to see that it was a pocket call. What if Oga was bathing? God forbid. Kai, I craze sha.

Doyin Okupe’s Fruitless Search for Relevance

Unemployment, especially at middle age can be very terrible. The prayer is for one to have invested well and prepare for old age so that one will not be forced to be doing like Doyin Okupe in old age. How can someone be a very prominent member of a particular camp during elections just one year ago and is now saying and doing the kind of things he is saying and doing?

Dr. Okupe is now a very key member of the political circle with no principles, no boundaries and shamelessly patronising. This has been part of Nigerian politics where you see politicians changing camps, switching positions and lying very squarely all to achieve very selfish and prebendal goals.

In fact, Baba George who has lost his passport and as such can no longer go on “exile” at a Tinubu victory is the lie president but with the way Doyin is going, he will soon overthrow that one, I swear.

As I watched this Baba on television, I could only laugh at the caricature that he was making of himself. Yes, one can change his mind about a position based on a robust research or review of earlier positions but we know very well that this is very far from the case in this baba’s case. The man is just a joke who if not careful would end up in the bottomless pit of political deadwoods.

Please, Dr. Okupe, I used to like you before o. Remember when Albert Okumagba sent me to your house in Ilupeju and we spoke extensively about the nation, you made a lot of sense at that time. Now I don’t know what exactly is making you say and do these things. They are quite embarrassing, can you just kindly just shhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Make we hear word abeg. Thank you.

Charles Soludo: A Worthy Mouth

The only thing I used to like about this gentleman was his baritone and native voice, that is all. Since he became Governor of one of my favourite states, it has been a very lukewarm journey. So as a result, I do not even used to reckon with him or even read his speeches and comments.

But recently in a speech at the very annoying Platform series – they can do this Platform too much abeg and will be disturbing our music on radio with per second adverts. Nothing ever comes out of that their talk shop. People will just come and blab and that’s all and in the next three months, the pastor will come again with another set of all talk and no do people.

However, this one was different as His Excellency Soludo made a very strong point. He has been reported to have said that public officials should earn a minimum wage so that they can feel it. Wow, brilliant idea. He even went further to inform us that he has not earned anything as governor, donating his wages to charity. Mbok, if this suggestion sees the light of day, we would have solved NLC problem even though corruption will quadruple because holes will need to be blocked na.

But the mere thought of it and the courage to say it even though Oga knows that the idea will not see the light of day still puts him in my hero’s closet. Well done my lord, oya do the memo and personally take it to see Akpabio and let’s see if you will not come out with a torn shirt. Kai, my brother, Nigeria na Netflix series.

Ibrahim Lamuwa: A Funny Kind of Game

Ambassador, for all his efforts, has earned himself suspension while a probe has been instituted against him. For those of you who don’t follow the news, Oga is the perm sec at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs who was accused of sexual harassment by his junior married colleague. The story is funny sef. The lady is reported to have said that he tried to touch her waist amongst others and was invited into a room and all that. We have also heard that she is not alone as others have been host to such amorous attention from Oga.

Oga in his defence has said that the lady was trying to do him in because he refused to let her in on some official documents that were above her pay grade. Now before we jump to the usual – no smoke without fire, let me state at this juncture that yes in some cases that I have seen, there has been smoke without fire.

Sexual harassment is a very terrible and emotionally traumatic event. It must be condemned very aggressively and where it has been established beyond every reasonable doubt, it must be stamped on and dealt with decisively.

I believe the man is innocent as I write; what he has faced are allegations and the probe is ongoing so we should just hold fire. What irks me most times is how we jump on the side of the accuser once an allegation has been made especially in cases like this. Nobody listens to the man again, he is pilloried and verbally assaulted, reputation in tartars and is subjected to emotional and in some cases physical abuse.

We have heard stories where the man is later vindicated but his life is ruined. My plea is for patience to allow due process. I am not saying he did or did not do but if I am to talk, then me sef can accuse so many women of sexual harassment. But that is not the point here, let the investigations come through before we bury the Oga. Thank you.

Dele Momodu  Unsung Cicero

By now some of you will know that I now run a podcast where I interview very interesting personalities. Chief Dele Momodu was my guest the other day and we had such a lovely time that I even forgot to eat my afang that day. Kai, Chief can talk o. The stories were flowing and cascading down my skin that I did not want to stop. From his wedding experiences to the last days of Chief MKO Abiola through his days in exile and his relationship with President Tinubu, Mr. Momodu was a delight. I listened intently, allowing him to flow with the spirits and indeed the spirits came down as he went into the mythical forest of D.O Fagunwa quoting very copiously Yoruba mythology in fluent deep and rich Yoruba, then almost going emotional as he spoke about MKO Abiola.  He ended with his very famous letter he wrote to people who were begging him for money.

Chief Momodu not only writes so beautifully well but also speaks so superbly. Na my hero o, I dey like am die. I tell you that podcast was one of the richest ever from his engagement in politics, media, leadership, activism and even entertainment, it was the master speaking and cold was catching me. Well done my lord, we dey learn where you dey. Kai.

Bernadette Etim’s Conjugal Blessings

Happy and blissful wedding ceremonies and much more importantly, a God-blessed marriage to my little Queen, Bernadette Etim. Ben is my little niece whose mother Rosemary Etim remains a banking icon. From the then Nal Merchant Bank where they sacked me and where she made a tremendous impact to First Bank, and then Union Bank where she retired from with golden epaulettes and now in her new role as mother of the bride, she continues to move very elegantly and assuredly.

I wish the young couple all that they wish for themselves and more and to assure them that even though I missed their traditional ceremonies – e get person wey I dey owe wey go dey there – I am with them spiritually. Congrats.