Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR

Wole Soyinka:  Kongi’s True Harvest

Professor Wole Soyinka is battling probably the fiercest battle of his long life – a battle for his legacy. His case is very instructive and I in particular, I am learning a lot from it.

As events marking his 90th celebration are heating up, the attacks and innuendos rubbishing his rich legacy in the struggle are also heating up.

Soyinka is being “rubbished” especially on social media and within the younger population as a man that seems to have lost his bearing. They have labelled him a turncoat and some have gone as far as labelling him an ethnic bigot, and all of that heavy and wicked bad names that seem to have ruffled his famous grey hair.

If you have been living under a rock, Soyinka in his recent utterances seems to have developed near short-sightedness to the current sufferings of Nigerians. His positions, even for me a die-hard fan, are at best now “one kind.” It is like seeing a very bad road accident and ignoring it and admiring the rose flowers by the roadside. This has made Soyinka a target for all sorts of abuse from a generation that really does not have respect for elders in the first place.

All I am even begging for at this point is that Baba’s recent utterances should not be used to tarnish his  rich pedigree in the struggle. He has a very long history of fighting on the side of the people. From the civil war, through various military regimes and even very recently, past presidents including Obasanjo and Jonathan. So, his recent recapitulation as it were, although a little bit annoying, should now not be used to “finish him pata pata.”

Shey we all have grandparents or in this case great grandparents? You know how set and stubborn they can be on issues; do we now start abusing them and calling them all sorts of unprintable names? Shebi we just used to sha laugh, shake our heads and hug them and walk away saying “Kai, daddy you are stubborn and set in your ways.”

We seem to forget that Baba is 90 years o and is like our grandfather who is stubborn and set in his ways o. We should not put fire to his beards simply because the man has suddenly developed some mental blockage. We should just hug him, smile and say – daddy come and take cornflakes and sleep, the sun is too hot.

Na beg!!!! The man is still a great man, despite all of this. Thank you.

Uju Kennedy-Ohanenye: Roforofo in the House

Shebi a few weeks ago or so, I called mummy out. Last week, she showed perfectly what I was trying to say. At the recent House of Representatives’ committee hearing, Nigerians saw very clearly what we polygamists see almost on a daily basis.

The “roforofo” between these women was crazy. The chairman was a female, the lead interrogator on the committee’s side was also a female, the minister was a female and tempers rose and things happened. All caution was thrown to the winds and they all shrieked and screamed and got involved in a verbal catfight that would have made the average market woman in Shomolu market look like a member of Girls’ Guide, I swear.

It was about generator o and the N150 million used for its purchase or something like that. The dark-skinned interrogator who claimed to have been a commissioner in her state was very annoying in the way she interrogated. You know how those irritating girls will be talking and bending their heads to one side and flinging fingers at you and smirking. If she was standing, she would have completed the stance by putting one hand on her waist and chewing gum and making that very annoying sound.

Mbok, even me will vex. As she was talking, Madam Minister lost it. Who will not? She screamed, “I cannot take all these allegations, this whole thing is looking like a trap, what is it?”

Mbok, who are you? Are you even yellow? Who is your godfather, do you even know the cost of bleaching cream that you are talking to me anyhow? God punish you, when we finish, better come out and let me beat you well.

My people, the man sitting down beside the minister in his cheap suit, was just staring and asking himself, which kind wahala be this one?

None of these annoying women will be sanctioned, they will go scot free with this huge show of fame and we will all be ok.

This was truly a country, I swear.

Chief Emeka Anyaoku: An Immortally- Perfect Gentleman

One thing about submitting a column like this very early, is the fact that you may miss out on some things. This morning, I will be meeting up with Chief Emeka Anyaoku, one of the most distinguished and well-respected Nigerians alive.

I reached out on the back of my new play ‘Zik.’ I want to take ‘Zik’ to the UK and need to make him the chairman of the occasion and he replied via his WhatsApp – Duke, you can come at 11am. sharp.

Chief Emeka Anyaoku is truly a rare breed. A well distinguished international statesman, an eminent gentleman whose voice still carries the weight of integrity, something that is quite rare these days. I always look forward to my sessions with him as they are always very educational and engaging.

Let me confess joor, it’s not as much as what he says o, it’s the way he says it o. His diction and upper crust accent used to titillate me and the contrast between his fluid elucidation and my gruff Shomolu bred accent used to just make me laugh.

Conversations with the very influential Obosi Chief used to move from politics to international diplomacy then come back to the arts and end up in history all over a cup of tea. There is no afang in this one, and me I no dey ask, leaving my “Shomolu” at the door. Me sef, I will collect tea, cross leg, sip and be nodding my head like them, and immediately I finish with Chief, I will rush to Jevnik and swallow one big morsel with afang, before dem come turn me into aristocrat. Kai, that will not be good o.

Obi Asika as King of Steeze?

Obi is my friend and brother. He gave me support for ‘Zik’ so I will be mild with him. Obi is the Director General of the National Council for Arts and Culture and the only significant thing he has done since emerging is to name my other brother Farooq Oreagba Honorary Ambassador for the parastatal.Now the man has worn green agbada, carried a tattoo and smoked a cigar for picture on top horse, he has qualified to be Ambassador. I just tire in this our country. Like I said, I write with restraint but then again, the more I think of this move, the more I see its hypocritical value. There is nothing here but a vain attempt to climb on the temporary fame that that picture has put on Mr. Oreagba to ride it.

Now the question some have asked is who truly deserves all of this acclaim? Is it Oreagba or the photographer who took the magical shot? Now before they start saying it is bad bele that is doing me, let me leave the man on the horseback out of this and ask our dear Director General of what essence will this appointment contribute to his task? How will it allow him to achieve his goals on the saddle and how will he push this appointment to any significant relevance?

One thing I have come to realise especially in this administration’s rash  appointments, is the fact that people lobby to get appointments just for the ego trip and balancing and when they get the appointment, they just go blank and this is very simple, because they really do not have any vision, plans or even the energies to pursue anything hence this kind of policy wonk that throws up nothing but an embarrassing hollow in leadership of the agency.

Obi is my friend so I have tried to be very mild with him on this matter. If he was not my friend I would have reacted very differently, I swear.

Please, where can I rent a horse and agbada o so that NNPCL can name me Ambassador o? I just tire.

Ali Ndume: Tell Us Who Caged Our President

I don’t like cowards and Senator Ndume is a coward in this context. The report credited to him where he said that the President Tinubu has been caged is annoying me.

Please, who caged him and when did they cage him and where is the cage? If person cannot come out and talk boldly, he should not be distracting us with this talk, especially when I am on social media waiting for the next sex tape.

Tell us simply, is it Remi that is caging him, or is it Seyi or is it Gbaja or is there one big bum contractor caging him? Who’s caging him o?  If you don’t give us full information, how do we uncage him? Did he sneak a piece of paper to you to inform you that he is being caged? Did he ask you for help and instead of you coming to discuss so we know how to uncage him, you are now giving us half sentences?

If the man has refused to see you because of this your talk-talk, does it mean he has been caged? The man just does not like you and may not want to see you and has given instructions at the gate that one Mallam that is always wearing white with brown teeth, if he comes, tell him I am not at home o.

I used to see President Tinubu very well na. So I am wondering what you are talking about? If you want to see him, come and let me take you to Osborne road in Ikoyi and wait by the road to see his 100-car motorcade drive pass.

That is the easiest way to see him as we used to bet amongst ourselves which of the over 100 cars he will be in.

Last time, na me win the N2,000 as I correctly guessed that he was in disguise and on top of one of the outriders.

This Ndume is just a distraction. Who caged Tinubu oo? Abi is it not the same Tinubu we saw fall down on top of the Land Rover during October 1 celebration? We all saw Baba fall na, abi is that someone they caged? Ndume, e be like say hungry is catching you. You better go beg for vegetables for Mummy’s backyard. Kai.

Emir Muhammad Sanusi II: How are You, Friend?

How are you my big friend? Hope you are good and I hope you are not worried? I just thought of reaching out to you this morning and to wish you well. Please do not worry about anything, history is on your side and truth and justice will surely prevail no matter how long it takes. Shebi it was your ancestor that said- truth is an open wound – kai. I have forgotten how he ended it but you can google.

Please don’t forget to take your bath, brush your teeth and eat very well. Drink a lot of tiger nuts. I have been doing the same for some time now and the effects in the other room are crazy. I can send you some if you want because there is time now, while we wait for the final resolution of this matter.

Pray, consult, keep reading, watch NTA News and make phone calls. Ignore social media and don’t trust any one o. Keep your secrets intact and don’t talk anyhow o. No interviews and also avoid newsmen. You can take up a new hobby. Go to Youtube, watch all of my plays including yours. You can also watch some hot movies, if you know what I mean, and even take a new wife just to mark time.

Don’t worry my Emir, all of us are behind you and everything will be very ok. When you emerge, I will come and visit you. I will bring afang and 10 virgins plucked from every geographical zone of the country for you to pick from. You can even take all, just sha leave one for me as your “aburo.”

You will emerge, you will be the greatest ever Emir of Kano and you will be immortalised. All of the stars are behind you, do not worry. God bless you, my Emir.

Toyin Abraham: A Symbol of Resistance?

Social media has gone riot on this talented actress. She has been under severe attack for her support of President Tinubu and in response, she leveraged the cyber attack laws and went after one of her opponents. The police went for him and inadvertently arrested his mother and sister. This now led to massive uproar and a lot of mails to Netflix asking them to drop her movies or else they ask millions of Nigerians to stop patronising them.

This kind of threat cannot be taken lightly by Netflix considering the millions who patronise them in this country.Now my position. This is all shades of wrong by Nigerian social media bandits. The attack on Toyin by this person was vile. I read his comment and if that was directed at me, I will scratch out his eyes. She did the right thing by going to the police and how those ones did their job is really not her business. Now in a democracy, people should be free to choose positions and issues. They must not be “Wole Soyinka”, which is buried because they take a position that runs counter. This penchant for verbally assaulting people who hold variant positions is sick and I condemn it with all the energy that I have.

I stand with Toyin and I am ready to scratch anybody’s eyes that come near me, Police na long thing. Come and let us fight is my own. Rubbish.

President Joe Biden: Not My Business

These ones just woke up one morning and cancelled my visa. I didn’t complain o. I waited four years and went back and the chubby lady at the counter, as soon as she heard my name started typing on her system and the next thing just gave me one blue letter and said “sorry.”

So, what is going on now in that their elections is my head catching them and should really not be my business as I have not died since they cancelled my visa. But the truth is that the way I see their situation elicits pity, I swear.

This na real devil and the deep blue sea. One is a tyrant with blond hair and used to snatch women in their something, while the other one is so old that at times, he just wanders around, thinking he is in Uyo in Akwa Ibom State.

How their much-vaunted democratic process threw up this anywhere you go damnation continues to beat me. If Trump wins, wahala, if Biden wins, we go need to send to them.

Not my business though but all I can say for now is that I think Biden should step down if it is not too late. Kai.