Loud Whispers  with Joseph Edgar

Bola Tinubu: Beware of the Ides of August

I was once a good student of literature and I read about Julius Caesar. The intimidating Emperor was told to beware of the Ides of March. For me, it is the Ides of August. It is the month of the planned protests which to me, looks like a borrowed leaf from the recent Kenya protest.

My Lord, please do not panic, do not beg anybody and do not even send anybody to beg because nothing will happen. Shebi it is these jobless youths who have nothing to do but march all over the place, singing and trying to damage public property.

Honestly, I do not see any reason why they should be embarking on a protest. I don’t know what exactly they really want from you. You have sent trailer loads of rice to them; you have increased power tariffs, thereby giving them more power than they have ever seen in their wretched lives, even mummy is teaching them how to plant ewedu in their backyards; you are fighting corruption – Betta Edu is suspended; you have sorted the Dubai problem and even in your haste to work harder, you tripped and fell and almost broke your teeth the other day.

Which President has done so much in such a short period. These Nigerian youths are very ungrateful. I have never seen their type. If Kenyans had one-tenth of what you have given them, they would build statues for you.

Please, my Lord, don’t even lose sleep, don’t even have any meetings with the security chiefs, this one will fizzle out. This is not like #EndSARS o; that one was against Sanwo-Olu because he drank pure water instead of flogging them with koboko.

My advice is for you to organise a big Burna Boy concert for the day, invite Manchester United to come and play a friendly with your cabinet, and give free entry to all youths with ID cards into all the sex clubs that litter the country and you would have diffused the so-called protest.

I do not support the protest, it is meaningless and just being led by aimless people who will never see anything right in anything you do. Imagine such powerful and vision-driven leadership. And they are shouting? Ungrateful lot. Very ungrateful set of people. Msheww.  

Dele Momodu’s Template of Fury

Chief Dele Momodu has dropped a stinker. He did not only drop a bomb but also the kind that destroys many things. Me, I really do not even know who or what is giving him the platform to critique such an endearing government. It is no wonder that your boy Reno who hasn’t taken a bath in days cast aspersions on the erudite chief who remains one of the most famous purveyors of hedonistic life in this country.

I really do not like that Dele person because he will see the truth and be lying again. Which Lagos template is he talking about? Who will not replicate the winning team in your shoes?

Me, I will o, down to even the GM of LASTMA who worked under him.

Does he want you to bring the Igbo Okrika traders to run the CBN or the herdsmen who are busy protecting Buhari to run our security apparatus?

You see, the problem with Chief Dele — I don’t even know who gave him the chieftaincy title sef, it should be probed — is that he just has bad belle? He is envious of these people who started with him covering owambe parties but today are running your solid ministry and being your spokesmen, travelling all over the world with you and shaking Qatari Royalty while he is still out there doing IG like overgrown Gen Zs.

People like him must be limited. We must show Nigerians our achievement in areas like forex, infrastructure and sports. We should shut Baba Momodu up o. See the numbers of Youth Corpers who have new uniforms, the student loans, the reverse indigenisation of the economy, the greying of Dangote’s hair and the imminent world class boxing match coming up with 90-year-old Bash Ali.

Let me tell you a secret, I think Momodu is still very angry with the way Davido has been treating his niece and is probably transferring the frustration to you. He told me that he particularly is not happy with Tunji Bello because that one has been owing him for a while and his appointment was the last straw.

Let’s name a monument after him sir, and he will be quiet. We can name the pedestrian bridge at Oyingbo, the one the youths burnt down that time. We can name it The Chief Dele Momodu “elese” bridge and you will see that he will calm down and put you on the cover of Ovation. Just try it and you will see. Thank me later.

Aliko Dangote: Another Day in Paradise

Alhaji is not sleeping well these days and it is showing. He looks tired and is spotting too much grey hair. He is in front of the cameras these days much more than he has ever been in his whole lifetime. Do you blame him, I think not because he is currently in the middle of the greatest battle of his life fighting the Nigerian state.

This is an epic battle of great consequence for us, either way it goes. There are so many arguments for and against each side. Nigerians expectedly have taken sides with some of us standing very firmly with Alhaji on this matter.

The main issues are in the public domain so no need to rehash them here but one thing that is very salient in all of these is the fact that this matter has exposed to Nigerians in technicolour the workings of the huge machinery that not only governs us but control the levers of our economy.

It is very clear in all of these that for some of our officials, the ideals of the greater good have never been heard. They do not connect with that theory nor even heard of it before and this is why we are in the quagmire that we find ourselves in today.

Government officials rely very heavily on patronage and compensation to secure and keep their very sensitive jobs and this shows very critically in the hypocritical approach to their jobs.

See that regulator who came out blazing – ohhh he wants a monopoly, ohhh his products are of low quality? A regulator ooooooo! If this was the case, what sanctions have been meted out, why come out to shout when you have the powers to deal?

My people, e reach make Dangote grow grey hair and get erectile dysfunction. This thing is all colours of crazy and shows how Nigeria can run you mad. He has my prayers and that of millions of Nigerians as we watch this saga play out. Make I keep quiet.

Goodswill Akpabio: A Man in Heat

Personally, I didn’t see anything wrong in the Nightclub quip. In trying to correct Senator Natasha Uduaghan, he reminded her that this was the Senate and not a Nightclub and all hell let loose. You see, our women groups are the most sensitive anywhere in the world, a wrong word and they come at you like a swarm of bees and of course, this was Akpabio’s lot.

You will really not pity Akpabio especially if you take into consideration his penchant for gaffes. The man just rumbles along and causes commotion each time he opens his mouth.  This time, the women came after him.

And as if that was not enough, the social media rumour mill came out blazing, naming all sorts of women including a very well-respected actress who is married as one of his many ‘side chicks.’ The allegations made him declare publicly “I have only one wife and I am satisfied,” similar to the way American politicians who have been caught with their hands in the honey pot do.

I think Akpabio should change his communications and PR team, not that one who came on Arise TV the other day with a green shirt, green tie and green pocket square to be pontificating only God knows what. He needs to surround himself with a professional team that will guide his utterances, image and carriage, not this one that he has just been going on like a trailer with bad brakes. The Office of the Senate President has never been this challenged, I tell you.

Let me recommend Reno Omokri for this job. Make una help am because life in exile can be hard.  No be me talk am o. Kai.

Obi vs Onanuga: Approaching Storm

I really don’t know what is causing this fight but it is looking quite interesting. Bayo Onanuga was said to have once again accused Peter Obi, the man in black of something. In response, Peter threatened a N5billion lawsuit and Onanuga called his bluff, saying we would meet in court.

Now this is what you get when you give a NADECO guerrilla journalist a job in the villa. He comes all brusque, aggressive and ready for a fight on all issues. For Onanuga, na war we dey. ‘The enemies surround and as such we must attack’ is the best form of defence he knows.

Obi, for him, personifies the opposition and as such everything from the weather to Finidi’s fumble must end up on his desk. It was a fed-up Obi who reacted to Onanuga’s accusations with this reported lawsuit.

Let me even advise Uncle Bayo, that your position has no immunity o and if Obi wins this case, I don’t think there is allowance in the already stressed budget to accommodate this payment o. I don’t think in all of your years in journalism you would have acquired enough assets to offset the thing o.

My advice to you is to do a quick crash course at Pan Africa University on Media Management and Communications so that you can update your skills and bring them up to par with modern forms of communication. While doing that, spend more time watching the American presidential spokesman, and even the Ghanaian ones so you can learn the practical angle of this work because this one you are doing is just wuru wuru to the answer o. We will definitely meet in court, I will be there and you will recognise me because I will be the one with dreadlocks sticking out my tongue at you and saying “Good for you.”

Unilever- Profitably Lonely

Like a bolt out of the blue, a multinational announces profit. I screamed and ran out of the bathroom stark naked. I ran around my estate screaming eureka, ohhh my God, it has happened. Why won’t I shout, with a reported N1.7 trillion loss announced by various companies for the year 2023, why won’t I shout with this lone voice in the wilderness?

Unilever just announced a N6billion profit before tax and reasserted its commitment to continue to stay in Nigeria and do business. This, coming on the back of the FIRS statement that these losses were not as a result of taxes but the forex crisis, gives the economy the much-needed life support and encouragement it needs.

The economic drain that comes with all these losses cannot be quantified. It is a wonder that the Minister of Trade and Industries is still sleeping. That is one docile appointee, a real square peg with no hole. Not even lifting a finger, probably just staying in her office and playing computer games when the house is on fire. That I will not ask for her sack will be a miracle. Next week, barring any bribe of plates of afang, I will formally and officially ask for her immediate replacement and will lead the search for her replacement as we battle to stop the haemorrhaging.

Let me use this opportunity to congratulate the team at Unilever, you do deserve our kudos. Well done for the good work. Let’s double this performance next year so that I can invite you guys to dinner. Well done.

Brain Jotter and Gwo, Gwo, Gwo Wahala

I don’t even know his real name but he continues to forcefully engage my subconscious with well-scripted skits. Amid the cacophony that is harried on social media, you find this pearl whose engagements not only entertain but also educate.

His sleepy motif which sees him going on like he is in a hazy sleep mode remains highly intriguing and surprisingly engaging. This has thrown him up the ladder of success, making him one of the leaders in the space.

His latest in which he used the song ‘Gwo, Gwo, Gwo’ for a dance challenge has not only caught fire but resuscitated the career and probably the life of one of Nigeria’s legendary highlife musicians, Mike Ejeagha who penned the song long ago.

Although this has generated some controversy concerning permission on his intellectual rights and payments, the fact that this one episode has given the 90-year-old musician another lease on life cannot be discounted.

I recommend those of you who can navigate social media – because I know for a fact that most of my readers after text messages, get confused with social media- should watch this particular skit and you will see the kind of warmth that will come over you.

Nice.