Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR

President Bola Tinubu: What was that Sir?

It’s one week after your infamous speech which was meant to calm nerves, throw you up as a statesman and give you the very unique opportunity to look into our eyes and say “Yes, emi lo “really” kan.”

I did not bother to watch the broadcast, like many Nigerians who had seen an advanced copy floating around the internet. A quick scan showed that this one was just you telling us all to “ef off” as Americans would say.

You must understand that there are two major planks to the protests. One, your policies and the other its effect on the man on the street- the ground zero of poverty. Our Daddy, what really concerns the man on the street is not whether you have cleared the backlog of forex debts to airlines or that you have reduced ways and means by over 50%, or that you have signed an agreement with Ukraine to blow out Russian satellites or that you have signed agreements to stabilise the price of wigs that your Supreme Court justices wear on the bench.

The man on the street is now buying bread at over 500% of its previous price. He sees his daily life eroded monumentally while his dignity is dragged to the floor as he resorts to demeaning actions just to feed his family. He is hungry and angry, and no amount of IMF-inspired economic jargon will placate him. You and your government’s body language further exacerbate the anger.

Like someone told me during the week, “Edgar, it’s like not paying your staff salaries, and asking them to be patient only to drive into  the office with a new Bentley on Monday morning.”

My President, this is what we are seeing o with your body language and the attitude of your officials. Your man said we should be protesting while you guys are eating and this statement perfectly describes the posture of this “regime” and also the spirit of that your speech.

I’m sorry, you lost me that morning. You really lost me. Kai Baba, this no be what we were expecting o. Kai!  Who will cry for us o?

Please, can I write this piece in pidgin, because I will not be able to really express myself in proper English with the way it is doing me? This is what in Shomolu we call “follow-follow.” This padi, just wake up, wear a bow tie and start to do things wey he never do before. As he see Keyamo do am get Minister, himself carry him body go dey push protest. Na wetin dey do-follow-follow people be that. Dem no dey ever think things through.

Nigeria in the last 10 years has changed in demographics and socio-economic dynamics. We now have more self-employed people and more jobless people than ever before. Over 40% of those who are employable are jobless and what this means is that if you disrupt economic activities for just one day, you will lose their support. Secondly, the teeming amount of jobless and dislocated people allows for the incidence of violence and looting to be much more than inevitable, almost 100% of the time in protests.

Egbon wey be “aje butter” no understand all these one o, dey push for protest. Everybody talk to am, he no hear. E Carry bow tie like Fashola dey shout “On protest we stand.”

Two days later, he ran back with his tail between his legs.  No protest again ooo, this is not the plan o. Kai, there is violence ooo, we did not plan this one o.

Too late, the genie has been let out of the bottle and the northern states have gone on fire. People have lost their lives, properties have been looted, carnage everywhere, and Oga, who cannot even stand the heat of his wife’s poor cooking, has run back to his mansion and is releasing press statements to almajiris that have not eaten in six weeks not to carry the Russian flag.

Please, whatever the government wants to do to these people who lit the flame, you have my support. I have kuku looted “koboko” from the mallam that is selling “meshai” at Sabo bus stop, ready to flog Mr. Adegboruwa in case the punishment for childishness in politics is flogging. Next time, before they start shouting protest, they will do their homework and listen to advice. Follow follow no be work. Na wa.

General Musa: Not that Russia Sir

My General, how are you today? I sure hope that these protesters have not really stressed you. I saw you the other day speaking to the press on the dire consequences of carrying a foreign country’s flag during the protests.

That it is a grievous incident cannot be discounted. It is truly a treasonable offence but then again, will you now carry armoured tanks and the full force of the great Nigerian military to pursue young children you didn’t send to school? Young children who have not eaten for days, young children who have been dislocated, disenfranchised, dehumanised in a Nigerian state that has given you and your families all the opportunities you deserve and even those you don’t?

Mbok, let me ask you one simple question, if you are a local tailor, with shop rent and cost of materials now exorbitant,  low patronage and your family has not eaten for days, the landlord has snatched your wife in lieu of accumulated rent and you are there hapless and someone works up to you and says you should sew for him one cloth with red, blue and white, would you google to find out if it is Russian flag?

My General, you that I am looking at so, will sew that flag in a way that the famous Aba tailors will be wincing in envy.

Our problem is that we tend to treat pimples when we are actually dealing with leprosy. Going after hapless tailors and misguided protesters, who cannot even distinguish between a Russian flag and the colour of the prostitutes’ underwear they encountered, is a classic case of chasing shadows. This is why I have asked you to stay clear. This is not your concern, and this is why you always miss the mark.

This is the job of the police and the intelligence community. They should quietly unravel the sponsors and their motives and not go after people who don’t even know what they are carrying.

Secondly, my brother, as I watched Tinubu’s broadcast, I saw the flag ooo. I ask someone o, is that not the same flag? Aghhh and someone said it is a defence flag if you turn it upside down. My brother, confusion catch me o. How do you explain to the poor illiterate almajiris to hold the flag a certain way as he is running around the place? How do you tell him that if he holds it one way, it is Russia and if you hold it the other way, it is defence?

My brother, I think what we need to do to really safeguard this democracy which is our prayer and goal is to go and sit down with your baba and say to him, “Daddy Emilokan, the only way we can save our heads is good governance. Let’s be truthful to the people, let’s feel their pulse and let’s work for them.” Forget that you are wearing khaki, can you give this advice if you have not been giving it as your true way of safeguarding this democracy and leave the Russian flag?

Has Russia been able to defeat tiny Ukraine, that they will now come to 200m angry and hungry Nigerians? With the kind of “Igbo” that oozed during those unfortunate protests, it’s a wonder they were not carrying Jamaican flags – illiterates. Mshewww.

Wole Soyinka: A Paul of Tarsus Moment?

When your number one supporter goes against you, even you too will know that you have hit pay dirt. Kai, Professor Wole Soyinka who had gambled his Nobel in support of Daddy threw in the towel this time.

Prof started scratching what was left of his plenty grey hair, wondering what he was listening to. By the time the speech was over, he quickly called for his typewriter — Daddy has no time for a notepad — and scribbled away the first-ever critical comment against this government.

Daddy must have been so disappointed and upset and would have asked his steward who would have been standing there with the cold “ogi” – what is this man talking about? Did I mortgage my international respect, reputation and stature for this? Why is he doing this? What kind of speech is this?

Steward would have not dared to open his mouth because if he did, na slap. Prof. sent out a stinker. The statement was straight to the point and punchy. It hit the mark and all the “Obidients” in the land would have just hissed and walked away from Baba, saying “This one just wake up?”

My advice is for Prof to finally just retire from public commentary. At 90, let him just recede and enjoy the rest of his life in tranquillity because what we are seeing is not that one that person will be carrying grey hair and three teeth to be defending o. Daddy, this is the time for quiet music, warm ewedu and amala with no meat and a shot of daily whiskey and humming to tunes as you sit and watch the sunset.  You may even add a fresh virgin to the treatment. But what do I know? Am I not just a skinny Shomolu boy with uncombed hair? Na wa.

Mele Kyari: The Countdown Begins

Someone just sent me a clip where this Oga was telling a huge audience during the Buhari administration that all “four refineries” would be up and running before the end of that tenure.

Today instead of refineries, we are busy fighting the only one that seems to even make sense. Well, I have also heard that he has also given his word that by August 2024, the Port Harcourt Refinery will be up and running.

This is almost the middle of August of the year of our Lord, 2024 and we have not seen one smoke from that refiner, let alone the possibility of one litre of fuel coming out of it.

You know I am surrounded by wicked people. Those people that Yoruba people call “ika”. Well, one of them sent me a timeline dating from March 2021 through to July 2024, giving over eight dates that the Port Harcourt Refinery will come on stream.

The last one, early August 2024 was given by Mallam Kyari on July 16, 2024, and monitored on national TV seems to have already passed the deadline and Mallam is still there wearing a well-ironed babariga and cap bent to one side of his head like the late Maitama Sule who was a man of his words o. Only in Nigeria, I swear. Kai!

Gov Abiodun Oyebanji: A Man of the People

I am writing from Ekiti in one sweet hotel where the waiters refused to bring my pounded yam and vegetable almost one hour after I had ordered them. The inefficiency of the hotel aside, let me talk about this gentleman governor.

For some of you who have been following me, you would have noticed that Ekiti State is my adopted state and this is because of its topography- the hills and vegetation, the food, the people and most especially the governor who has allowed me to execute one of the biggest ever project in theatre- the Ekiti International Theatre festival which will pull in over 5,000 artists and generate over N2 billion into the economy of the state.

As I drove around the state, I was hit by the strategic works of development championed by the state. The elegant airport has two of my friends AVM Makinde (rtd), and William Omotayo working there as consultants. The huge potential of the state as an education hub, the infrastructural support for my industry and the general feeling of the state being run by a homeboy who has the interest of the state at heart is making Ekiti an oasis of peace and growth.

Let me use this opportunity to say well done to gentleman Oyebanji and to let him know that his works are being appraised very positively in very strategic places. Can someone please tell these people to bring my pounded yam ooooo? Kai.

Ali Ndume: Not a Family Affair

Please, when you were calling your colleagues kleptomaniacs, which money did they steal that you are now apologising for, and saying it is a family affair? Mbok, if you say you stand by your words but that you were procedurally wrong to go to the media, then we will have no choice but to say that we do not agree that it is a family affair.

It is not any family affair because our collective wealth is the target of the band of “kleptomaniacs” that you have called family. This is why we should all be very careful in the way we use words.

My brother, I am very sure that your family members will accept your apologies and clarifications and readmit you into the fold as you continue with the chopping as we protest, the fact of the matter is that what you had said in that fleeting moment of sincerity remains the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

We thank you for that glitch even as we look for more of such from you in the not-too-distant future. Look at me even thinking that you were a man sef.

Hannatu Musawa: A Beautiful Head in the Cloud

Our Minister says they are planning to build a creative hub in Abuja that will house the 49 sub-sectors in the industry amongst others and leverage the economic benefits of the creative economy. Reading the report sef was tiring. Since we woke up one day and a Nigerian was nominated for the Grammys and Afrobeat started making waves with bootleg, Nollywood movies crisscrossing the world, all sorts of funny projects and visions by our leaders continue to be thrown into the air.

This latest pie in the sky is another one. If I begin to count the number of film cities, movie towns, and creative hubs that litter the place, we will go to sleep and I am still counting. We have not finished with the National Theatre renovation talk less of how to manage it, we have run to Abuja to start building another giant hub. That same Abuja I hear houses a huge film city that is not being fully utilised.

This our Musawa has been saying too many things that have not come down from the skies. Her beauty used to make me just calm down and not go after her aggressively but this one that she is talking about is really paining me as it shows the lack of understanding of what is required of her and her government in the sector.

The government should not be championing this kind of project but should instead provide support for the private sector to lead the way. This support could include guarantees, grants, tax holidays, and patronage when the project is ready. This approach would allow the government to divert funds to other critical areas, such as ensuring the widespread presence of Nigerian flags before Russian flags start appearing on our national monuments due to scarcity.

Madam Minister, kindly reconsider abeg, that is a white elephant project if there was ever one. Thank you.

Bobrisky Back in the Mix

The crazy Mama of Rebellion is out. He was sentenced to prison for six months for desecrating our naira. His conviction came with a lot of controversies as Nigerians started to analyse the whys and hows of his conviction. The arguments reached a crescendo especially when another socialite, the brash Barman – I have forgotten his name – was also arrested, charged but given a plea deal.

This pushed the grapevine into a frenzy. One big SAN even sat me down and tutored me on how the government needed to use him to send a strong signal to those of his ilk who live the “other life.”

Well, “sis” is out, complete with wigs and the likes, and immediately threw a boat party to celebrate his release with the photos splashed all over social media. The only thing I noticed was that at the party, I didn’t see a single naira note. Na wa, lessons learnt, I suppose.