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President Tinubu: Beast of No Nation

With the reported acquisition of the “Beast” which will now be the official presidential car as alleged, the “toys” attached to the Presidency can now be considered as complete. From the luxurious yacht to the new presidential plane and the often reported N1billion presidential cars, I sincerely hope that Mr. President will now settle down and focus.

Nigerians, as expected, have been crying blue murder. They claim insensitivity, especially with the hard times we are all going through, and on the back of the recently concluded hunger protests. Going ahead with these expenditures, especially on “things” like this can, to say the least, be termed as “funny.” But I beg to differ. Let me give you guys a small story.

I used to work with an asset management company. The company was in debt and owed staff salaries. Even powering the generators was a problem. I was owed eight months’ salary. Life was dire and we didn’t look forward to going to work because creditors would come from everywhere and with everything to get their money. One day, one creditor came with the head of the Police Bomb Squad to recover his money. Even me, I laughed at that one. When the policeman showed me his ID Card and I saw Bomb Squad, I could not help but laugh even in my predicament.

But wait, our chairman was living the life o. Dressing like Tupac, driving “machines” and funding Afrobeat stars whose lives we all knew can be very hedonistic in style. Here we were, finding it very difficult to even open our doors, owing cleaners and with a debt portfolio over N4billion, and here was our oga, driving into the office in a new Bentley he just bought, with some beautiful hot ladies hanging on both sides of his arms, dressed to the nines like a Wall Street banker.

One day, I could not hold it again and walked up to him. Oga, what is happening na, you are owing me eight months’ salary, we cannot pay staff, no petty cash and our creditors are coming at us with everything, including juju and here you are walking around like a peacock all over the place. The man sat me down and said, “Edgar, there is a difference between me and the company. The company is owing, I am not. The company is a limited liability company and as such there is a Chinese wall between me and the company. See, I am used to a certain lifestyle and I cannot reduce it because the company is owing, I am sorry. I have worked hard enough to reach where I am and will not deny myself anything because the company is owing. I am not the company, my brother, thank you.”

So Sowore, NLC, hunger strikers, Onipanu Newspaper Readers Association, Rufai Oseni and the rest of you, I really do hope that with this my little explanation, I have convinced and not confused you as to the reason why these “toys” have been acquired despite our current dire economic situation. Tinubu is not Nigeria mbok. Let the man enjoy. It is his time. Thank you. Kai!

Tell Us Another Story About Joe Ajaero , Not terrorism

Abeg, this one is impossible to believe. Investigating Joe for terrorism funding of all things to put on this particular hero of democracy. The man get terrorist and they beat him the way they beat him in Imo State the other day? Did you guys see his face after the beating? His eyes were blocked, his lips swollen and big big “koko” all over his face and you think if he had one terrorist, even if it was a female, he would not have unleashed on his assailants. They had to do corrective surgery on his face and the man was only able to drink ogi for months. Till today, to eat Isi Ewu is a problem and you now come and say he is funding terrorists. Mbok, which terrorist abeg, let’s look for something else.

 If he is just such an irritant, let’s go after him strategically and not with this eaglet strategy. The man can be anything but a terrorist. He runs a labour congress which by all intent and purposes is ineffective, useless and not capable of engaging. You can even see that they cannot even manage to put one strike together. You see that the “boys” who organised the hunger protests did far better than Daddy and his khaki-wearing pantomime group.

Me, I no support this one o. Leave the man alone o and pursue Yahaya Bello abeg. His colleagues have kuku threatened the mother of all strikes if you go ahead with this arrest and some of us will join o.

This whole thing with Joe is beginning to look like those days of military regime where all sorts of charges will just be put on someone and before you know it, na Gashau be that o. They will now promulgate one decree and backdate it just like that.

Please, my dear police people, kindly leave this matter. That man that was so beaten up in Imo State does not even have one single strength for terrorism, talk less of funding it. Can someone who dresses in worn-out ankara and faded khaki with Cortina shoes fund terrorism? Abi, is terrorism akara business that you can fund with a loan from People’s Bank? Please let’s get busy abeg because it’s looking like police no too get work, hence this kind of assignment. Na wa.

IG Egbetokun: It Didn’t Happen to Me

I have been hearing a particular statement everywhere and must confess that the thing annoys me to no end. The statement is: “Immediately I met Tinubu, my life just changed.”

A lot of people, from politicians, judges, student leaders, market women and now our esteemed IG of police have made the statement. At a recent book launch, he was quoted to have said that his life changed 24 hours immediately when he met with Tinubu and it is true, because see him today as the Number One policeman in the country after serving Tinubu when that one was Governor of Lagos.

Now, you would want to start asking me why the statement is annoying to me. Well, me too have met Tinubu and my life did not change anything o. In fact, LASTMA even towed my car as I was coming out of his house. Yes na, it was the Minister of Finance Wale Edun that took me there. I have said this story so many times that the thing is now tasteless in my mouth abeg. Mr. Edun was able to secure an appointment with Mr. Tinubu, who at that time was jobless. He was just a Party Leader and Buhari was doing his best to limit his influence. So, I went with a book plan and met with Oga in his Bourdillon house. His son, Seyi, was there. My brothers Tunde and Demola Oshodi were there. Tunji Bello was there- that time he was SSG under Ambode. Tunji’s life too has changed o- see his wife VC, see him in Abuja and see me still in Shomolu.

I met the great man o, I even shook his hands and told him my plans. He loved the plan and handed me over to Tunde and that was how it ended. Well, my life did not change anything o. I went back to Shomolu empty-handed and wondered if my prophet did not do the work well. The soap I bought, the Psalms I read, the “ebo” I dropped at the Igbo Igunnu junction at Bariga and the sex starvation for five days that I had to endure — and guys you know what that means for me — all came to naught. My life did not change; in fact, it got worse after the meeting. My own must be different.

See this one now. From just an ordinary policeman wey dey stand under sun and be asking for particulars – one meeting and he don become Aide-de-Camp, get PhD and now is IG of Police, and me after the same meeting, I am waking up at 4a.m. to be writing this column so that Davidson, my Editor will not shout at me.

You see why I am supporting VDM in his war against all these fake prophets who are selling all sorts of water. Please, I need to join my own prophet on the matter because na “Tinubu like me” water I buy from am o and he no work. IG Egbetokun, please who is your prophet or is it Alfa?

NNPCL: The Confusion Therein

I really do not envy my brother Femi Soneye. Femi is the spokesperson of this behemoth that seems to be mired in confusion. The other day, I met up with him in his beautiful office to discuss issues. That time, it was their brouhaha with Dangote and their push towards CNG that was the crux of the discussion. As he spoke, I looked intently into his eyes and I could see sadness. It was like the eyes were begging me to calm down. It was surreal because the eyes and mouth were not connected. The eyes were pleading and the mouth was strong and confident, giving me all the official narratives that have confused and annoyed Nigerians to the extent that today NNPC is simply the most annoying brand in the system.

Mbok, which one is all these semantics about subsidy? It’s like they have employed a professor of semantics to help them. There is no English word that they have not used to describe this phenomenon. From shortfall to excess to hole, to bridge, all without the word subsidy to explain what is going on. All because Baba has opened his mouth to say – “Subsidy is gone”, just before he fell on the Land Rover during the parade.

As if all that is not enough, we just woke up to dividends in trillions and the movement to pay the – whatever they have called it- just like that. Mbok, is NNPC a private company, a government parastatal, an agency of government, a department in the Presidency or a local government council? What exactly is this NNPC o? if we do not define it, we will not make any headway o.

Finally, they have now come to say that rain, lightning, storms and earthquakes are the cause of the recent petrol scarcity. This one off me as they say in Shomolu. Rain and lightning just started happening in Tinubu’s Nigeria o. We have not had all these natural occurrences ever since o and that is why fuel has been free flowing till now.

The point is that all of these have culminated in making NNPCL the most inefficient brand in Nigeria today. You see when the lies, and half-truths are too much, you start to even dribble yourselves and then it gets very confusing and your spokesman will start having begging eyes because even he himself don confuse.

NNPCL really need deliverance, I tell you. A whole one-month prayer and fasting so that they can first even remove that MD so that we can all see road. Tiring. Kai.

Samson Siasia: Back from the Rain

Is it five years already? This great football tactician and legendary player who had played at the highest levels in international soccer has served his five-year ban from football and Nigerians being who they are, are celebrating with him. Please, guys, this was not an acquittal or a wrongful judgment corrected or a pardon. This was a man serving out his time. This should be a time for sober reflection and not celebrations. The man was banned first for life (?) and then got reduced in appeal to five years and he has served the punishment and is now free.

This is time for everybody to pull not only his ears but also every Nigerian ear on the need for ethics in whatever or where we find ourselves. Ethics, transparency, due process and all of those values have found their way out of our “doings” and this is why we can be sending celebratory messages to a man after serving penance for such a grave offence with international connotations.

My brother, I will not congratulate you but will say to you succinctly that I hope you have used these five years in sober reflection and have come out with a better determination to do the right thing at all times. So, the danger of these congratulatory messages is that they will start to make you feel like you did something right. Abeg my brother, just quietly slip into whatever job you get and let us hear word. Nothing to celebrate here abeg. Thank you.

The Adelekes’ Family Reunion

This is an ongoing Reality TV series pulling in more viewers than even the notorious Big Brother Nigeria that I am so happy to announce is losing viewers daily. The Adelekes are a family coming out of sleepy Osun State but with tentacles all over the world. It is headed by a calm and soft-spoken patriarch who took over from the egregious and stupendously popular brother Isiaka who was known as “serubawon.” Serubawon was the magically powerful Governor of Osun, I think he was also a Senator who took over the political mantle from their father who was immensely popular and influential in the politics of yore.

Today, the family is led by the demure businessman who is reputed to be a billionaire with interests all over the economy. They also have the extremely popular Governor Adeleke who is dancing himself into political immortality. We are not sure if he is a Christian or Muslim but whatever he is, he is bringing a lot of joy and happiness to Nigerians with his happy-go-lucky style, his zest for fun and his big tummy. They also have David Adeleke better known as Davido. Davido is a global megastar whose musical and sexual prowess have put the family on the global map. With a huge followership, Davido who counts his social media followership in the millions is simply the star and main draw of this reality series. His wife Chioma, the exquisitely beautiful young lass who has skin tougher than a crocodile is also a main draw. She has stood by her man through it all – sexual escapades, sex tapes, unclaimed children, legal wars on patrimony and every other thing you want to count. The family also has some lesser-known mortals like B-Red whose only claim to fame is that he is an Adeleke and will be showing off the clothes he is wearing and their costs. He has released some songs that are played in dungeons in Shomolu, making him not even rated as a serious musician but he is an Adeleke and that is all that matters.

Last week, the Adelekes pooled the whole world into their white garment church where Governor Adeleke thrilled us with his masterful dance step, leaving Davido who looked like he hadn’t had his shot of whatever he takes that day standing and mopping like a disused tissue paper.

Whether you like it or not, the Adelekes are a Nigerian phenomenon and we remain very thankful for the role they play in our lives. Big Brother Nigeria please shift, it’s time for the Adelekes abeg. Well done.

Porn and the Nigerian Investor

During the week, reports hit the waves that hackers had thrown porn into the discussions as the Minister of Finance and other top guns were trying to sell the $500m Nigerian Bond to prospective investors. I am very sure that whoever did it must have been bored with the very austere technical and the half-truths and bare-faced lies they would have been fed that he decided to enliven the whole thing by throwing porn into the equation.

This just shows the tardiness of it all. You are doing that kind of engagement and you don’t secure it, ensure proper registration and firewall the whole thing. You leave it vulnerable to attack and true true, the people enter and drop porn.

My sadness was that I was not in attendance. You know I like porn. Please does anyone know who attended to tell me what kind of porn that was thrown in? Was it Mexican or amateur, or ebony or BDSM? Mbok, I am very curious, what type o? Kai!