Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

It is not a joke that you are the Aare Ona Kakanfo of Yourbaland. In fact, we would not even mind if the title is expanded to cover all of Nigeria. That letter, reportedly written by you and in mass circulation, is stuff only Generals with a lot of juju can write.

The letter — with a strong warning to you know who, detailing all the things that he has done to us, including trying protesters for treason and giving them N100m as bail to people that are still looking for money to eat Agege bread, and all the other atrocities that makes Abacha look like a boy scout — could only have been written and distributed by a man with a lion’s heart.

Don’t mind me o, I am hiding under my bed in fear and writing this one o. Last week, one young lady called me and said “Edgar be careful o, I have just been called in by the -you know who- and labelled anti-govt.”

This lady who apart from complaining about the price of makeup has no protest blood in her. Another time, a TV station reached out to me to come for an interview and before I consulted my Native Doctor, the man said:

“Edgar people are afraid to come out and talk o. The reprisal is plenty.”

So, my dear Aare Ona Kakanfo, you see why I am hiding behind your back this morning and not even mentioning any names. I am chicken-minded o and will not survive two days without Afang and porn, let alone months awaiting trial and a bail amount that can feed my village for one year.

That your letter, I did not even read it directly. I read it through another person’s phone before they come and say that I am distributing seditious matter. Anybody who reads this column that wants the letter should google it and leave me out of this o.

I am an orphan and an Akwa Ibomite – two seriously disadvantaged demographics. Na my Mama before she died, na him call me on her death bed and said “Ini,” that’s what she called me, “you see this death wey I wan die so, no abuse Tinubu oooo. You can abuse Buhari, but Tinubu and that him big eyes, no abuse am ooooo.” Those were her last words and I intend to carry out her last wishes.

So, Aare carry go, you are doing well. Thank you.

Asue Ighodalo: The Chairman and the Tailor

You know my love for Asue Ighodalo has no bounds. Not only is the man elegant, cosmopolitan and imbued with intelligence, but he also has bad mouth.

I watched one BBC Pidgin programme where they told him that the great statesman of Edo State, the bald Adams Oshiomhole had yabbed him.

With a frown, he bent his head and chose his words very carefully and landed some verbal punches that must have sent the massively iconic Oshiomhole reeling to the ground.

He said: “You know say the man senior me for age —na paale, so I no fit exchange words with am but wetin concern Chairman and Tailor…”

My people, everybody who has watched that video have died from laughter. Mbok, I no know say Asue mouth bad like that o.

All these book people can yab o. He dropped the statement with a deadpan seriousness that would make legendary Alibaba squirm with envy.

He also put a caveat: “I no talk say anything wrong with being a tailor o but me don run company with 10,000 people and him be tailor and ended it with – see where I dey and see where he dey,” using his hands to illustrate. One hand up on his head and the other hand, down on the floor. “Nothing bring us together.”

My people, piss catch me when I watched that thing. Nothing better illustrates the election in Edo State – a choice between capacity and “insecurity,” if you gerrit, you gerrit. Kai, Edo no be Lagos true true. Na wa.

Kashim Shettima: A Man from Atlantis

 You know Nigerians like symbolism. Please what was that with the amiable Vice President wading through flood and being cheered on? What was all of that? What if crocodile chop him or snake bite him? They will now shout Peter Obi because that one is the cause of everything that ever goes wrong in Nigeria today.

Please, all the billions allocated to NEMA in their budget every year and they cannot buy floatable rafters and outboard engines that could easily be deployed during times like this, to the point that the Vice president, despite the security challenges, now had to wade through the flood to go to only God knows where.

Me, I will not clap for this one. This was quite reckless and of no real value. Instead, it threw up the tardiness of the emergency services and His Excellencies Security architecture

Please, what if a female snake looking to get pregnant suddenly bites our VP’s – you know what – where will we now run to?

Mbok, let’s avoid some things abeg, and Mr. VP’s bags of rice cannot be the solution to everything. Thousands of people displaced, a lot losing their lives and much more displaced and na rice be the solution? Square pole in a round hole kinda thing. Na wa.

Joe Ajaero: Hero of Our Time

The award for the most persecuted in the Tinubu “regime” goes to the inimitable and “I-no-go-gree” NLC President, Mr. Joe Ajaero.

Mbok, from serious beating in Imo to several invitations to labelling as a terrorist and now, his arrest by the DSS as reported, leading to him aborting his trip to the UK, this daddy has really suffered.

What he lacks in strategic capacity, he has in grit. That beating in Imo, by the time I saw his face, I vowed he would resign. The two eyes were covered, his face showing different colours, and his teeth pulled out by punches. I heard that for weeks he could only take baby food as there were no teeth to chew – so na cereal and “ogi” dem give am.

But did he give up? No, he bounced back. Even though today he has the record as the NLC President with the most failed strikes and also as the NLC president with the littlest measure of influence, he has seriously now passed the test as the NLC president wey don suffer pass.

The NLC president before him was in a perpetual coma. We didn’t even know him as he spent his tenure sleeping and watching shower time on Big Brother but my namesake has changed all that with his annoying approach to advocacy.

He has irritated almost everybody from LP to Tinubu, to Imo State Government and even his own members who have been fractionalised. But the beauty of it all is that in the “jangrova” system that we have found ourselves in, na this kind gra gra we need. Well done bro, please, go for the medical checkup as proposed by your team because Madam will not take an excuse in the other room o. Pass mark.

Goodbye to Ajuri Ngelale

When I saw his statement that he was resigning because of domestic medical reasons, I just hissed and said to myself that this one could not even lie to save his life. He should come and try us. We, that would tell Duchess a lie when we disappear for two days,  and that one would believe it.

Let me give you an example. The other day, as I was going home, I decided to branch one place and from one hour that I had planned, I ended up spending the night. That time, I was a stockbroker, so the next day when I got home, I just knew that there would be war and that I had to be on my “A” game.

I walked in, and with a straight face, I told her that the Third Mainland Bridge collapsed and that I fell into the lagoon, and that the water carried me to Epe, and that it was Ambode that sent his fishermen to pull me out. I added more sugar by telling her that it was even the mermaids that fed me in the water.

 She pitied me o and told me to wait outside to dry up before I entered the house. Na there I stay for two days non-stop.

So which one is this domestic medical excuse Oga give us to cover what seen as dismissal? He should have just come out with meaningful “fabu” like “I am interviewing to be spokesman to Donald Trump and I am going on a sabbatical,” or he would have said, “I am going to France to retire the amount used to purchase the latest presidential jet since we didn’t get the receipt, so I will not be back until I get the receipt.”

My people, my aburo came and saw and conquered nothing. The inexperience was glaring, the arrogance was annoying and he did a lot more damage to his principal than Sowore. At this point, should we say good riddance?

Joe Igbokwe’s Wake up Call

This one just woke up. You know he is the special adviser to the Governor on drainage – na wetin dem see give am be that. Not even sure that he still has the portfolio. Anyways, be like say power Discos have hit him with Band A and Oga is lamenting.

In a series of chats on social media, he is calling the power companies names. He is abusing them and swearing for them and hoping they all perish.

Bro wake up and smell the coffee. Me, my bill is N200,000 per month and we are paying. Very easily self and you, despite your years of anti-people politics, are finding it hard to pay and be lamenting and abusing the same people who are agents of the government you are serving and supporting.

Better respect yourself before they “Agele” you. You don’t know that the Discos are regulated by a government agency under an APC-controlled government and you really think that they just on their own wake up and fix the prices without the consent of the government under the party with which you serve?

How can you not know this with all your years in politics and government, abi all the time you are spending in the drainage has turned your head?

My brother, Band A has come to stay and your best bet is to lobby harder. Maybe you will get a better-paying position within your party or a juicy government appointment where the government will pay all the bills and you will not have to complain again about your power bills.

I hear we are looking for a new coach for the Super Eagles, you can try that one or you go to your “dibia” to give you juju so that the rumoured upcoming cabinet reshuffle can elevate your drainage office to cabinet level. For now, Oga come on, go and pay the bill. Lol!

It’s Good NAFDAC is Waking up

I am very happy that NAFDAC is waking up to the spiritual side of things. The announcement that they are investigating a particular church for selling to its members and the public some spurious healing water gladdens my heart.

These charlatans have really dealt with us. They have sold and distributed a lot of crap in the name of spiritual products that have maimed and, in some cases, killed Nigerians in search of salvation.

Even me here, I have been made to drink olive oil to cure me of philandering by one white garment prophet and ended up purging and running my stomach for days.

NAFDAC must enter all of these places, even native doctors and other such religious and spiritual enclaves, to investigate and confiscate these dubious things.

The other day we saw a protest in Delta State where the protesters who have all been mummified and zombied were asking NAFDAC to stay clear from spiritual matters. My madam, please, can you kindly arrest those people and move them to the nearest psychiatry to save them from themselves?

Please, from now onwards, anything sold by any church, mosque, Babalawo or any of that type must go through the NAFDAC verification process before being distributed to members of the public. This quackery must end. Thank you!

Victor Osimhen: A Brilliant Turn

Anytime I watch the Nigerian national team playing, they lose. The last one was the finals of the African Nations Cup in Cote d’Ivoire and they lost very bitterly, so I decided to save Nigeria the stress by not watching any one again.

Then I stumbled on the last one played in Uyo and people were begging me not to watch. But I was interested because Victor Osimhen was on the bench.

Victor is the biggest African player ever if we judge by salary. But if we judge by dribbling and the number of goals missed, it is Okocha, and then if we judge by stubbornness and gra gra, it is Etim Esin.

So, I told my people that I must see Victor win or lose. They now said as a compromise, I should come and watch when they called him up. They called him up and I sat and he scored. Oh My God, I forgave him for insulting Finidi, and I also forgave him for asking for my daughter’s numbers at Magodo Phase II. Yes, he tried to toast my pikin and I swore to castrate him if he tried again, but with that goal, he can come and take her free of charge.

Victor is ebullient, passionate and very patriotic. He loves Nigeria and has emerged as one of our most striking positive symbols.

I am sorry for singling him out for this worthy praise out of the team which has done ‘fantabulously’ well so far, but shey you will all understand that I am a fan and na my right.

So, Victor, well done and God bless you.

Mo Abudu: Happy Birthday My Beautiful Damsel

Sixty is the new 40. Kola Adeshina and Ruth Osime have proven that in the recent past, and my sweet and beautiful Mo Abudu is also proving that as I write.

The parties have been going on and even though I have not been invited to anyone – not even one o – I am just looking at this woman. I will still say a happy birthday to one of Nigeria’s most elegant and brilliant personalities.

In her 60 years, she has imprinted on various sectors of the economy, especially in the media and entertainment and has flown our flag internationally, giving us a firm seat at the table.

Mo has weathered storms, maintained course and has emerged very influential. She has impacted jobs, and infrastructure and even changed whole narratives, making her an international megastar. This is why you see me really upset for not being chosen to attend even one of her parties.

I hear there are five parties and even my Mummy, Senator Ita-Giwa hosted one, and me here, the Duke of Shomolu, is sitting in front of laptop and typing a congratulatory message when people like Azuka Ogujiuba, Ruth Osime, that Anumudu woman – sweet woman; that Senator Gbenga William son-in-law – I don forget him name, and the whole of Lagos glitterati are there gyrating.

Well in the famous words of Mama Patience Jonathan, all I can say right now is “There is God oo.”

A happy and fun-filled birthday do I wish you and a long and prosperous life ahead of you. Have fun, my sister.