Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR

I am not that politically naïve. I knew that the Edo State governorship election would come out just the way it did. As I stared at all those governors and their Senate President lined up to give their candidate their support, they all looked like “toy soldiers” in my eyes and I wished them the same fate that came to Humpty Dumpty in that famous poem they taught us in nursery school.

I looked at men who had stopped being men, men who stood there to raise their glasses in the face of the most blatant robbery in our electoral history, men whose consciences had frozen up. I did not see leaders there, but stone-cold mutants who had signed up to join an army led by an ancient vampire whose thirst for blood would make dracula cringe in fear.

I have heard all sorts of banal justification since the election. The same justification that impoverished Nigerians, given to explain away the madness. Ohhh they both did it, the other party just did it better. Ohhh it was Obaseki that they voted against, he had fought the Oba. Ohhhh Asue was inexperienced. Ohhhh they should not have fought Shaibu. Ohhhhhh they should have brought Olu into their fold…

My people, the fact on the ground and with what we have seen, the credibility of this victory is one of the most leprous ever. It is like someone walking into your house and openly defiling your wife and blaming you for it. Yes, that is what happened as the people’s mandate was once again stolen.

For me, however, I see an opportunity and this is why I remain excited at this occurrence. I am very happy that this has happened because it must continue to happen as part of the process of change and my advice to Asue is to go the Gani Fawehinmi way.

In fighting the military despots of the 90s, Gani resorted to the “toothless” judiciary. How do you sue people who have seized power on the back of armoured tanks and who gloat that they have a monopoly of “legitimate force” and expect anything to come out of it? But the man knew what he was doing, he was chipping away at their credibility, slowly but surely chiselling away at their legitimacy, throwing them up in their nakedness and showing the world their true nature – naked fascist. Over time, Nigerians and the world saw them for what they truly were – despots. And you could see the jubilation that came with the death of the dark googled one, leading to the massive yearning for democracy.

So, my brother, this is the path you must tread. Run to the courts knowing fully well like Gani that nothing will come out of it, but also like Gani with the strategy of exposure, aiming at the credibility and pushing towards public enlightenment of the “captivity” we now have found ourselves.

We must all know that we are no longer free-born children in our own land and that “humpty dumpty” and his men – those ones who lined up in Benin during the elections and many more now fully have us tied down and enslaved.

Asue, go to court, move through all tiers, you will lose at all tiers, but still go because the strategy is simple – it is the Gani strategy. We will meet in court. Thank you.

Patrick Obahiagbon: His Own Piece

After the Edo election, I looked out for my brother’s comments. I love reading him, even though I do not understand one word of what he says but for humour and a poke at a deaf and dead society, I read him.

Oya see what he reportedly said about the election.

“This election is a jiggery-pokery executed by mephistophelean and accepted by megalomania and kakistocratic gbegbe post braggadocio after excessive ratiocination and phantasmagoria. Describe it as a pooh-pooh and odoriferous election superintended by gargantuanly insalubrious bequeathing edolites bugaboo, malodorous and insalubrious government, it’s akin to a conundrum, it’s egregious. How can a polling empire condone sky-high mendacious and fallacies in modern age? Therefore, we must demur against demuren, no onomatopoeic extrapolation intended. The quotidian stentorian atribilous ululation is abyssopelagic. The country is on a precipice of apocalyptic crepuscule with this kind of electoral malfeasance. The ungaga kungaga continues ad infinitum.”

Need I say more? Mbok go buy dictionary. Thank you.

Bobrisky, Falz, VDM: A Babel of Clowns

While you were asleep, clowns were in the circus. So it happens that this person they call VDM on social media and who always comes out like someone who hasn’t taken his bath for ages, came across a private discussion between his arch foe, Bobrisky – the sensational man/woman who just came out of “prison” and a friend. In the said discussion Bobrisky was said to have claimed that he paid N15 million to get the charges against him dropped and that he also was able to secure decent accommodations out of the prison during his recent incarceration.

The recording also pulled in Falz, the handsome musician son of legal luminary, Femi Falana (SAN) who was meant to assist him/her in procuring something for N3 million.

As expected, Falz has run to his fathers’ chambers and a long-worded letter has been sent to VDM seeking a public apology and asking him to bring down the posts because it is defamatory not only to Falz but to Daddy, which I agree with.

In the video, VDM is seen to be shouting – if this is true… how can the great Femi Falana be…

Now VDM has gone to hire a baby lawyer who has also fired back that they will do no such thing, and to add more fire, EFCC has thrown up an investigation and has summoned all parties including VDM who said he will nor honour the invitation until EFCC concludes its internal investigation. The Ministry of Interior, I think, has also commenced their own investigation and it is all so exciting.

Finally Bobrisky has issued a statement denying all of that and saying the recording was fake.

Now I am the “Icheoku.” They are all in my magistrate court sitting at Onipanu bus stop in Shomolu and I am about to deliver my judgement, so silence in court…

All parties in my estimation are clowns including EFCC and prison authorities. Let me start with them because na their own really concern us.

Now, if the honourable minister is trying to say that this is the very first time he is hearing of this possibility where people jailed are not serving in prison or are being given unfair advantages and luxuries over other normal prisoners, then he must change both his optician and ear, nose and throat doctor. Let me leave it at that and if the EFCC chairman is also saying the same thing, then his own case is worse than that of the minister.

I had said at the time of Bobrisky’s arrest that this matter would lead to prison reforms and people laughed at me. You see now. We will now have these reforms instituted by hook or crook if for nothing else but to save face because these allegations, true or not, are a total embarrassment to the system.

Now Mr. VDM, in your haste to achieve whatever are your goals you miss something very critical. A man is entitled to his privacy. You get hold of a private conversation of a man to his friend and the next thing is you throwing it to the public. That is an infringement on his rights to privacy and if we were in America, you are in jail right now. How did you procure the recording and in these days of AI, how are you sure that it is truly Bobrisky talking? He has kuku come out to say it is fake like I would do and the onus will be on you to prove its originality. In his shoes, I would not release my gadgets to you because they are private property and you would have to prove in court that my gadgets are a threat to national security or an accessory to a crime to get a court order asking me to release them and that I assure you would be herculean.

Yes, you have defamed the well-respected Femi Falana. Yes, you tried to be coy by qualifying your statement with the word “if” in my court, you have defamed the Baba and you must apologise very quickly.

Bob, you na wahala. If that recording was true which I really hope is not, then you talk too much. Even if you cut those deals, those deals are deals you never tell a soul o. You go to your grave with them, which one is carrying phone and be spilling the beans like a mumu when everything and everything can be hacked? Nobody talks anyhow on phone anymore, even on Whatsapp and you of all people should know that.

So, I find VDM guilty, he should immediately apologise, send three cartons of schnapps to Baba Falana and go take a bath. EFCC and the  prison authorities are guilty. They should institute robust reforms of their processes and facilities. This should be an opportunity to do a personnel audit with the aim of fishing out the chaff in their system. Falz, I hold judgement as I am still looking closely at the matter. I will revert next week.

Baba Falana, please sir, ema bi nu. Na children mischief. Please don’t vex, just try and send for all of them and pull their ears.

Bobrisky, I sentence you to one year at the Yaba Psychiatric Hospital, something is truly wrong with your head.

Deji Adeyanju: Baby Lawyer to the Rescue

No be last year this one graduate from Law School? Abi don’t we remember the day he graduated that he and his brother went straight to the front of EFCC office to “fight” gatemen, complete with lawyer robe for hand and cap?

Today, he has entered matter defending VDM who needs to go take a bath. His inexperience glaringly showed in his response to the three-page summons released by famous Femi Falana SAN Chambers.

The summary of his one-page submission from what I can glean is that there is no defamation and all of that.

Ema gbami o, if VDM no careful, this his lawyer will be the end of his career o. There is defamation, even me sef I know. Pulling in the great SAN’s name into a matter that comes with so much public oprium is defaming and you must be able to prove beyond every reasonable doubt that he was involved in any way.

Better withdraw that post and issue the apology very quickly cause if we go by Falz submission, Baba was not even involved in all the talk- it was Bob who, according to Falz, reached out trying to beg for N3 million to subvert justice, and it was Bob, according to your recording which you still have to prove its authenticity, who pulled in the Falana hierarchy.

Deji my brother, you have to crawl before you walk. That your letter was hastily written, without depth and with no real intelligence. In fact, those typists wey dey hang around the magistrate court at Sabo can write a better letter or even those ones that used to help us write an affidavit.

Withdraw that letter and go and do junior lawyer in big chamber for like two years before you try again, this one no be am. Thank you.

Akinwumi Ambode: What am I Hearing?

I am hearing small small whispers that are getting louder everyday o. Baba has not mentioned it to me o, maybe he has not heard. Last time we spoke, I begged him to buy tickets to come and see my play Gowon, he bought and did not come which is very ok. The money is the most important.

Anyway, I am hearing that some people are muting his candidacy as a possible successor to my brother Governor Sanwo-Olu who has done very well as Governor of Lagos State.

They are really muted and cowardly talks o. In fact, the person that told me swore me to secrecy but as he did not give me afang to eat, my vow to him does not hold.

They said that his only barrier is Senator Aburi, I hope I spelt that one name correct o. They said that one who used to be a bank MD is well positioned for the plum job and may well be the main contender, but that with the way Ambode performed in his first term especially in infrastructural development, that he may just get the nod.

Well, these are pepper soup joint talks. His Excellency has been dodging my calls since he refused to come see the play and I am kinda happy sha because I sold his seats for a profit, and as such I have not been able to discuss this matter with him.

Personally, I would really like for him to come back for very selfish reasons – VIO and LASTMA don show me for Lagos,  so that I will get a car plate with an insignia ‘Aburo Governor’ on it.

Anthony Joshua: A Drunken Performance

The way this fine boy is going, one agbero in Oshodi will soon be able to beat him o. The man will be rubbing cream and looking like a fine boy but cannot collect blows. Which one is that one that they just gave him one blow and he just fall scatter like a drunk in ‘man must wack’ canteen at army barracks in Yaba.

Mbok, the thing pain me o because I had bet N200,000 that he will win. Now I have lost my money and that was my Band A power bill for the month. Now, I am writing in darkness and sweating.

This was just one more bad defeat. The way he was jumping at the beginning of the fight, you will think he will destroy the opponent. In fact the people who were betting with me, were saying we should cancel. Me, with overconfidence said no and the next thing na blow. Before I know what’s happening, aburo fall scatter legs, come even fart on top, my money go.

Please who should I reach out to for a refund because I don’t know who send me this kind message. Should I approach his state Governor, Prince Dapo Abiodun or Afenifere or what? I am confused o. Which kind wahala is this one na?

RMD: A Splendid Evening with the Icon

I spent a lovely evening in Uyo recently with this icon. RMD was the marquee personality at the just concluded Uyo Fashion Week promoted by my sister – Lady May. The show was so glamorous that I wept. Beautiful models, talented designers, wonderful food- my people I chop afang that the thing almost comot for my head.

But the beauty of it all for me, was the nice quiet evening I spent with RMD in his palatial hotel room. We spoke about a lot and he came out as very brilliant, deep and esoteric. Still very handsome and sharp, he mesmerised me with his outlook and approach to life. Well done sir, you have been an inspiration.

Nancy Osime’s Dazzling Attire

My people, I died and woke up three times sitting on the front row of the Uyo Fashion Week last weekend. My people, that was how we were sitting, crossing legs and they announced – Nancy Osime.

Mbok, I hope no small child is reading this page o. The woman came out in one cloth that showed everything o. My people, the hall scatter, me that I was sleeping, woke up and lo and behold the most beautiful apparition that I have seen in a while o.

The shape was illuminous, the skin was dazzling, the face angelic and the hair gold. There was a yellowish patch where the – you know what – was positioned. My people, the whole ensemble left almost nothing to the imagination.

For the next thirty minutes, the question was – what is she wearing, can you see anything, look closer you will see the pubic hair, no it is not pubic hair, it cannot be yellow, but she dyed her hair yellow so maybe she also don dye that place.

My people she did a great disservice to the models and fashion designers as the debate distracted the whole hall, throwing us into a frenzy of argument as to if she was truly naked or not. Even at the airport the next day we were still arguing and they now came and put her beside me on the plane to Lagos.

Please call me on the number on top of this page and ask if I asked her about her pubic hair or not….

King Sunny Ade: Synchro System

KSA, I heard, was 78 years old last week. I was first introduced to him by a pepper grinder in Shomolu. Every Sunday morning, my mother would send me to go and grind pepper so that she could make stew, and I would go to this pepper grinder who also had a record store. As he grinded the pepper, he would be playing KSA and I would get intrigued.

I fell in love with him and am still in love with him. Let me wish him a happy birthday and to also let out a small secret- something is going to happen to him this December. Start saving oooo.