Loud Whispers

BY JOSEPH EDGAR

Fred Amata: Symptoms of a Dying Society

My brother Fred cried out recently on social media that his estranged wife had walked his daughter down the aisle while he was still alive and probably in the same city. He lamented profusely and since then, Nigerians have been divided.

His Madam’s supporters have cited all sorts of rascal behaviour on his part as reasons for the treatment meted on him, while others, mostly men, have rushed to his defence, arguing that on no account must such ever happen.

For me, this is not about the Amatas, but another symptom of a dying society with our women running mad in it. This is another example of a society that has lost its values, lost discipline and has allowed our women for whatever reasons to jump up and begin to play roles they are not qualified either by tradition or capacity to play.

As a traditional man, I feel Fred’s pain and I must assure him that millions of us are feeling his pain with him right now and he should be rest assured that we will make sure that we regain our hegemony in society.

Just as women easily say that on no account must you lay your hand on a woman, then on no account must a woman walk her daughter down the aisle when the father is alive and willing.

This is so wrong and I will not be meek about it. This is sacrilege, an abomination and a slap on our traditions and culture.

It is on the back of this that I have called a summit titled ‘When Men Talk’ to discuss issues relating to men. Over 100 men have registered to attend the free event as the realisation that we are now the weaker sex, bullied and harassed by a growing population of women who have simply run mad has begun to hit us.

Agatha, if this is true, then you must rush to your elders and beg because these things have traditional consequences. I don talk my own. Come and beat me.

Sim Fubara: Psychiatry for the Man

People like Governor Sim can be very deceptive. They look dull and quiet but hold within them the strength of a mule. The sad thing is that you underestimate them thinking they cannot shout, but the Bobo with his big eyes is imbued with the kind of inner strength that can make a thousand mules cringe with fear.

To make matters worse, the man is not only imbued with this inner strength he also has what we call dry humour. The kind of humour that is not classic, has no timing, no finesse but still hits you like a thud, leaving you reeling.

His reported statement that he was building a psychiatry hospital in his former Oga’s “village” because he feels that one will still need it is a classic “yabis” that will leave even legendary comedians weak in the knees.

My people, me I believe very strongly that his Oga needs psychiatric evaluation because of his huge “god mentality”. The thing that makes you feel you are all and all, and that everybody should bow, or that is your way or no way is truly something that needs much more than psychiatric evaluation. This is madness almost at “hitleristic” levels. Imagine if this one has access to the Army, na Lagoon he go drive all of us enter na.

My brother Sim, mbok, hurry and finish the hospital, no be only him need am, even him Oga go do outpatient there after some time. I don run o, I no get immunity. Na wa.

Gov Ododo’s  Self-inflicted Distraction

Some comedians hiding under the cloak of a pressure group in Kogi have called a press conference to say that EFCC is distracting Governor Ododo with the continued persecution of their former Governor Bello. I have been laughing and farting since I read that “crap.” How fully matured men who have fathered children and grandchildren and with grey hair in their pubic regions which ordinarily should be seen as wisdom can come out and boldly make this kind of statement beats me.

Which distraction? Is it EFCC that is making that one jump into his car and pursue them each time they come after his former Oga? Is it EFCC that is making him carry an umbrella and his former oga’s seat to go and visit EFCC?

Mbok it is now looking like the only real achievement of Bello in Kogi after decimating Dino is his “appointment” of this “Ododo,” because the man is really fulfilling his mandate which is to share his gubernatorial immunity with his Oga.

He is doing the work so well that the UN will soon invite him to come and take a masterclass on stretching immunity over a fugitive.

Mbok, these Kogi elders should go and sit down and better be watching their young wives who are most likely coddling their gatemen behind their backs as they continue to revel us with this stupidity of the absurd.

Have you seen the allegations? Even if Tinubu wants to use only this one to deal with it, he has our support abeg. Kai.

Ortom, May God Forgive You

This God has really suffered in our hands. See this one who didn’t really do anything like that for his people except wear fashion designer’s clothes and dance around with Wike like Baba Sala and his “awada Kerikeri” is now calling His name in his rejection.

I have just seen a report where during a visit by PDP leaders he said he failed at the senatorial elections because he did not consult God or that he went against God. I am not sure again jo.

Wetin concern God in this matter nau? Your people roundly rejected you and you are calling God’s name in the matter.

Please you need to do a dispassionate look back at your tenure and ask yourself very clearly if you truly deserve to be sent back by merit to the Senate.

I am sure the answer will shock you. So, my big brother, leave God out of this matter and focus on the saying that a man sows what he reaps.  Kai, hungry is catching me, see as I am writing rubbish – a man will reap what he sows. Na wetin you sow be that, not God.

Onari Duke’s ‘Win  the War’ Soup

Her Excellency Onari Duke remains one of the most elegant and God-fearing first ladies that have ever occupied the office. She is my personal best and I love her to pieces.

Her kindness, integrity and love for the people remain second to none. What most guys don’t know is that she runs a hospital in Calabar that she fully subsidises amongst other grand philanthropic gestures.

That was how during the last October 1st celebrations when the rest of you were either on the main road protesting with Sowore and the others trying to make sense out of our President’s homily, me I went to eat afang with her o.

As I entered, Donald walked in, hugged me and I hurried him out so as not to delay the afang with political talk.

Before the Afang came, madam said something funny: “Duke, I am not sure this my afang will be as delicious as the ones you are used to. This my own we call it “win the war” afang. I looked up from the plate of fried chicken and fish appetiser.

She explained, “Win the war soup was the soup you grab anything to cook during the war. Grasshoppers, grass, cockroaches, anything and when the food was served it was called “win the war.”

This was quite instructive because Charly Boy had mentioned something like that to me – you know I’m writing his book – shhhh.

Well, the afang came. Dry as I like it, no oil seeping from under, garnished with snails, dry fish and crayfish — what we Ibibios call “abu.” Then the leaves were thick and rich and it softly melted on the tongue as you pushed it down with a very smooth pounded yam. The Pounded yam was as smooth as a baby’s butt with no “koko.”

The only thing missing was the traditional bottle of Coke to wash it down. I forgive her because I took like six wraps of the pounded yam and my friend Dr. Adetoro Bank Omotoye, a Yoruba man, was struggling with his one wrap when I already had six.

Please, anybody that wants to taste Mrs Donald Duke’s “win the war” afang should write to me directly and tell me why he or she thinks she deserves a taste of heaven and I will make sure we go again. Thank you so much, Your Excellency, you will live long for feeding an orphan.

I Need Femi Fani Kayode’s Help

Please Egbon mi, I really need you to come and explain this Middle East matter to me. I have run to you because I see you dressed like an Oil Sheik on TV and discussing the matter. Let me state that once I see your picture or image, I will change and go and watch porn, and now it has come to bite me because Iran has sent missiles. Israel has vowed retaliation even though they had blown up one building in Lebanon, killing one man.

Then again, I am not sure again o but one of them had scattered Israel with bombs. Mbok my brother, I confuse.

Please explain why Israel is bombing Lebanon and then na Iran dey revenge and who is Hezbollah and why are people walking out on Netanyahu at the United Nations? Please what is going on oooo?

Then why is Israel claiming the land because of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob? Please is it the same people that our chosen people are saying are making lion take them to Ojuelegba?

Me, I am just confused. Please what is America’s role in all of these? One moment they are doing referee, the next they are defending Israel. Should we send troops, or should we push Boko Haram there to keep them busy?

Please egbon Kayode, you are the only expert on this matter, please help me explain. God bless you.

Nasir El-Rufai’s  Wrong Strategy

Ok, let me confess, I like this man. No, I love him and still believe that he should one day push for the presidency. His no-holds-barred approach to issues, his loyalty, his brain capacity and his long experience in policy stand him heads above the rest.

But he don miss am this time. His declaration that he would swear by the holy book when all other past governors of his state do the same.

Now this reminds me of one of my former girlfriends. So, I suspected her of cheating and I asked for her phone to scroll through and she said no problem and stretched her phone to me and asked for my phone too at the same time. Kai, this woman think say she get sense. She knows that for every infraction I see on her phone, there will be ten on my own. So that made me feel she was guilty. Because if she was not, she would hand over her phone and when I had finished checking, and did not see anything she would blast me.

Because she knew that I would see something, she threw up that barrier. My people, I broke up with her as I cannot stand indiscipline. What I don’t like, I don’t like.

So, my brother, let’s not do like my girlfriend. Which one is pulling in all the other officials into the matter? Please, let’s go ahead and swear abeg since we are innocent. Nothing will happen, me I believe you; I know that you served very transparently and will never go down to the level that they are accusing you of.

I will come and hold your hands and support you as you take the oath, nothing will happen.

Better still, let’s go to court abeg and leave all these swearing things. Let’s go to court and defend our honour. Swearing no dey catch, if he dey catch I for don die by now. Do you know how many times I have sworn with all the holy books in this world as a polygamous man? Swearing na part of the mantra in polygamy if you want peace. My bro, he no dey work. Let’s go to court.

Philip Shuaibu: A Comedian in the House

Where did this one just come out from that he is going around inspecting “projects”? Mbok which projects is this one going to inspect? This is what you get when we take people with little outage into public space.

This was for the optics. To show that “I’m back” and to rile up his opponents and also engage his new bedfellows that I still have the capacity, all with no effect or bearing on the people of Edo State.

For this one, it’s all a game. A pack of cards, a charade that must continue to sustain opaque relevance or why would you go and start inspecting projects that you really do not have a bearing or affinity to?

Your matter is still on appeal as I have heard. Instead of you maintaining a calm head and waiting for that outcome, you are going about tainting and poking at people.

Are we surprised as to where the confidence is coming from? At all. Shebi we all saw the last elections and the bullying that came with it so why would a major commander of that Hellenistic army not be strutting around with his balls dangling and saying “We don come.”

History is the ultimate judge. We remain patient.

Joe Igbokwe: A Broken Man

Mbok, I am looking for this fellow because I believe he needs therapy. I think he is going through some very painful reversal that needs professional help.

He turned his back on his people, leading to the bombing of his homestead, laid his tent with the Pharisees and those ones gave him an appointment in the drainages, and today he cannot even pay his power bills.

He has been crying on social media – ohhhh the power bill is too much o, the currency is dead oooo and the people to save Nigeria have not been born. At his age, na only pity we have for him.

He had chased the lucre and was left with tasteless porridge, leaving him in the gutters from whence he wails. Sadly, his wailing will not be heard because the people are tone-deaf as a result of their sufferings unleashed by his masters.

My only fear for him now is if he continues with this his wailing and his masters turn against him, where will he run to? Will he run to the East that he had severally derided or will he run to the North where he is an unknown quantity or will he run to the South South where he is regarded as Unoka? I really pity this egbon, he really needs help. Run to Sim Fubara’s Hospital and take refuge. Mbeke.

Roosevelt Ogbonna: A Perfect Gentleman

Please let me crave your indulgence to write something nice about this gentleman. The man is the MD/CEO of Access Bank and he remains one of the most fulfilled gentlemen in the market. Not even a whiff of controversy, a perfect gentleman and one that we should watch very closely for the role I see him play in the near future in Nigeria’s tortuous journey to economic regeneration.

Met him with the late Herbert Wigwe. He would walk into the office as I sat there with one of my numerous requests and listened intently as Herbert spoke to him. He would interject ever so rarely but with very frank and intelligent suppositions and then walk away and I will see the glint in Herbert’s eyes.

Then in my transactional meetings, I will hear people say – go to Roosevelt, he will sort it. Major complicated transactions o. The next meeting, they will come back with a report: “Oh we met Roosevelt and he sorted it.”

So, I was not surprised when he emerged as MD of Access Bank. Not the holding company o but the bank itself and since he emerged, he has very quietly and surely maintained the upswing trajectory of the bank.

Well done bro, well done bro. Just felt like putting this out there today. Cool and thanks.