Loud Whispers

Who Dare Calls President Tinubu T-Pain?

I have not heard o. This was my exact comment the moment I saw a news report that Daddy was upset with the appellation.  The report says that Nigerians are calling him the name as a result of the hardships they are currently facing.

Nothing can be more painful than a stupid nickname. Growing up in Shomolu, we gave nicknames to people and this usually resulted in fights.  Like “otun obo,” this was vulgar and was given to the guy because he could not play football. How that inability got linked with the nickname continues to beat me. We also had others like kesko, santana, bremner, little bremner, cocoa, aje okuta ma mu mi, yamiri, egbe, suegbe, atole, orobo su fe and many more that I would not like to mention.

So, this report is really vexing me as to why anybody would deem it fit to name our Executive President and the single most important Nigerian since Festac 77 that kind of name. What pain sef, where is the pain, me I am not seeing any pain o. Can you go through surgery without pain even though this particular surgery dem no give us anaesthesia?

One of my egbon in discussing the matter said: “Tinubu has given us shock treatment, these are the things that we should have done gradually from 20 years ago, so the man is doing them now, so we must endure.” My egbon na APC and I agree with him because I am looking for something from him.

See Nigerians, we have removed subsidy, we have appointed the best cabinet ever, our football team carry second in Cup of Nations, we have solved traffic problem in Nigeria, we are making people more healthy by trekking, we have stopped the reckless use of power in our homes, now people do a timetable for the use of appliances, and so much more is coming and you are now calling us T-Pain?

T-Pain kill all of you there. We are restructuring the economy, making men stay more at home by increasing the cost of condoms and many more such initiatives.

I will be the first to report anybody that calls daddy that name. What rubbish! You know Nigerians are a very ungrateful lot, they never show gratitude for the great sacrifice that our leaders make. Shebi we bought a tokunbo jet for our president, is that not a sacrifice? Tell me which president of our calibre from Equatorial Guinea down to Cuba is using a tokunbo jet that is smoking and yet we remain highly ungrateful.

Sir, shebi I have been begging you to invite me and you have been ignoring me and you went to invite Reno. Shey you see how the people reacted.

Please invite me so that I can come and submit the names of the people calling you that name. I have started compiling their names. I want to submit it to you personally because I don’t trust anybody. T-Pain ko, T-suffering ni. Ungrateful people. Msheww.

What Babangida Couldn’t Do…

In Shomolu, the “alagbara” was the one who could fight and beat people. We will all go under his cover so that other bullies will not come at us. But as we grew, we now realised that it was no longer physical power but rather brainpower was the magic.

This is what General Ibrahim Babangida would be ruing now in retirement and in old age. He was the one that famously said: “We have the monopoly of legitimate force.”

That time, any small thing, he and his brother Abacha will roll armoured tanks and soldiers wey never baff straight to Ikorodu Road and be beating up fuel price protesters or June 12 protesters.

With all their power and military might, didn’t he run away and say he was stepping aside? Was he able to remove fuel subsidy with all his gra gra? Didn’t NADECO wrestle him to the ground? Didn’t the NLC push him into the gutter that today what is left of him is to be telling us nursery rhymes as to how they would have messed him up if he hadn’t annulled the election.

Mbok, come and see how cunning and brainpower is doing things. Kai, IBB, we have not only removed subsidy, we have moved fuel to N1,300. We have also devalued the naira to N1,700 and we are on our way to achieving a one party state all without wearing khaki or threatening people with bullets, teargas and detention and the rest.

You should come for a masterclass on how to demystify opposition and turning them into scallywags. Abi you no see NLC? Each time we increase fuel prices, they will write letters asking us to stop. They will threaten strike and stand under the sun, singing solidarity forever, and two days after, they will go to Imo State and receive a slap after which they will quietly go home and sleep.

I tell you, real power is not gra gra. You and Abacha tried. Even Obasanjo tried it and Oshiomhole wrestled him down. Who born monkey to remove subsidy during Oshiomhole’s time as NLC president? Today, we have not only removed subsidy, we have removed the word from our dictionary and are watching fuel prices increase to N3,000 per litre in our lifetime and nothing happened. Na brain work, come and learn abeg. Kai, Jagaban for life I tell you. Na Baba you be.

Nyesom Wike as the Okonkwo of Our Time

Somebody just likened Chief Wike to Chinua Achebe’s famed character, Okonkwo in his very powerful book, Things Fall Apart.

I have looked for the person’s name to quote him before they accuse me of plagiarism but can’t find it.

The man in the brilliant write up told us about Okonkwo who had been warned not to be part of a plot to kill Ikemefuna, “a boy that called you father.” Of course, Okonkwo did not listen because he didn’t want to be seen as a weakling so he used his machete and cut the little boy’s throat. His head fell over and rolled into the stream for fish to eat.

This, like we all know, led to the downfall of the great man, Okonkwo. This writer who did not put his name on the write up went ahead to beg Wike not to “kill” Fubara, a boy that calls him “Oga”.

His article would have come from Fubara’s statement where he had said he was kneeling down so many times for Wike to beg him for peace.

Well as for me, Wike can do an Okonkwo for Fubara if he can, my own is just that they should stop burning down local government secretariats. The violence must stop abeg. There is no reason why we should be having all of this violence because two bald headed men are fighting over who owns the longer – you know what.

Asari Dokubo’s Scary Video

I don’t know if Editor Davidson would mind this one oo, because if there is anybody to be beaten it should be him and not me. Me, I am just doing my work. This Asari man is scary o. Did you watch the video where he was warning Wike to stop sending his helicopters over his house? My people, with those big eyes, he can stare down a helicopter o. He does not need a gun to do that one. As he was speaking, his eyes bulged and if you now combine it with the beards and the menacing way he was saying it, na scary movie o.

This is why I can never join the army or police, I swear. So, they will send me to go and catch this one and I will enter his house? Mbok, just one look from his eyes and the growl that will come out of his beautiful mouth ehn, I will drop the gun and run away o.

People have mind to be looking for this Oga’s trouble o. Me, I don’t have that kind of mind o and I will really advise Wike not to go near him o. This Oga is not joking o.

I have saved the video to show my nephew Sammy who has taken over my room. All he does is watch cartoons and won’t let me watch my usual – you know na. I will show Sammy that video of Asari to scare him out of my room.

Kai, bro if you vex, na Davidson, I have his address and phone number. Thank you.

Mustafa Chike-Obi: Defender of the Universe

This son of a legend is truly a kind spirit. His new job as Chairman of Bank Directors has really brought out the Florence Nightingale in him. Mbok, don’t vex o that I am using Nightingale for a man. Edgar, you need to understand CBN’s new policy. Edgar, you cannot say that about Segun. Edgar, very few banks have private jets. Edgar, you need to understand the policy to comment on.

That’s him always trying to explain to me, defend and engage on issues that affect his constituency because he knows that I must fire.

I used to fire o and still fire because of my very firm belief that the sector holds a very critical capacity to help this nation, and as such, its integrity must be upheld by all stakeholders.

Mustapha is one of the best you can find. An extremely brilliant person who has done well for himself and the sector in the areas of his jurisdiction.

He is among the five, including one Asue Ighodalo and another Aigboje, that can stop, reorder and restructure an impending attack from me on an issue or a person that has gone wrong.

This week, he was in full bloom. He engaged, reordered and muted my position with very strong and incisive arguments on a very pressing issue and for that, I will give him the Shomolu Nobel award for pacification.

He is a good man and a person Nigeria really needs at this time. Cabinet appointment? Make we dey pray.

Tochi Wigwe: Stepping into Her Father’s Shoes

A lot of us got introduced to her during the series of tribute services organised for her parents who lost their lives in a tragic accident.

She came across as very courageous, intelligent and bold. Her beauty rises up to high heavens. She stood there like a soldier and rendered one of the most moving tributes that I have ever heard. I remember telling myself that in her shoes, it would have been a tear-fest considering the remarkable contributions her parents had made on humanity.

Anyways, today I am happy to announce that she has just joined the Board of the HOW Foundation, the platform that her parents had set up to impact youths through education, health and capacity building.

The foundation owns the world class Wigwe University which just commenced its first session this September.

Here is wishing her the very best of times at the foundation even as I warn the world to watch out for her because she’s her father’s daughter. Congrats

Rotimi Amaechi: Turning the Tables

This is what happens to men with no vision. You never see the consistency. This one that was “part of the problem” is singing another tune today o. “Eleyi” who saw nothing wrong in the pestilence of the past government is now singing another sad song. Shebi he built rail to another country and other such fantabulous things during his time, today he is asking Nigerians to protest because he cannot buy diesel for his generator.

It is people like this that have made Charly Boy give up on activism. And if he continues and joins Joe Igbokwe, me sef will retire. Mbok, can’t they just stay in one lane so that we know who we are firing? They will cross carpet and when they are no longer relevant, they will now turn to activists

Please let me even ask? Is it your diesel? Shebi you can buy for your mother, we that cannot buy for our mother, why not let us be, abeg?

Thank you and God bless.

Seun Osiyemi: Sean Penn of Gbagada?

If you have ever been caught by Lagos VIO, I am sure you would have joined me in joy when we heard that an Abuja judge had given the order that they can no longer impound cars or anything like that.

Those people with their white and black are a terror. They will carry their zebra-coloured cars and go and hide behind a U-turn or blind corner to catch you. It’s like that is the only thing they train them in their training school -strategic locations to put their checkpoints.

Once they catch you, they will take you to their stations and na there the corruption will start. I did a Rufai on them one day. They just stopped me for no reason and moved me to their office and just as the negotiation started without even telling me why they caught me, I said wait let me call Mr. Governor and opened my phone and showed him the Governor’s number. The man open mouth and shouted “Aye mi.”

Well, our celebration has been short-lived because the next minute I am seeing everywhere that one commissioner in Lagos has said that the judgment no concern them.

What is even wrong with these Lagos people now? Where do we get the most notorious VIO in the country apart from Lagos? I have not seen VIO in any other part of the country o, Lagos own na early Monday morning you see them positioning themselves- Osborne Road, Ikoyi, Anthony Village, as you are descending the bridge, Herbert Macaulay, Yaba and other such places that you cannot enter “koro” and dodge.

Anyways, that was how this morning, I decided to even find out the commissioner who made the statement  and na Sean Penn I see. Aghhhhh. Sean Penn wey we dey play football together for Gbagada that year? When did he become commissioner? I know he had left banking and had gone into business, building one of the most magnificent hotels in Lagos. I also know that he had contested to enter the Lagos State House of Assembly in Gbagada and that was the last o.

So, Sean Penn is now commissioner o. See person that used to kick and bully me on the football pitch, see person that I used to beg Dapo not to kick him; see person that will be using his footballing prowess to snatch our girlfriend because the man fine and sabi play. We no dey like am that year o.

Now commissioner for VIO, well done bro. The next time your people catch me, I will show them their commissioner picture as a grassroots footballer with skinny legs. Well done bro.