Loud Whispers

Allen Onyema: Peace No Longer at Ease

This one is no longer Air Peace o. The air is troubled. During the past  week, reports filled the airwaves on the expanded indictment of my hard-working brother and his finance person on charges of money laundering and obstruction of justice. They have swiftly refuted it, maintained their innocence and have told us that their lawyers are fighting it and that they are very sure that they will come out innocent.

Whoever his communication experts are, they have run out of ideas. I swear, has the team not heard of going below the radar for now?

Another amusing fact is that some people are now adding ethnic sentiments to it. I have heard comments such as  because he is Igbo and also “fighting oyibo on the London route na him make dem one finish our brother.”

Mbok, I cannot even put mouth on this. The sad thing is that one of the proponents of the ethnic sentiment is a PhD holder and a well-travelled individual. By the time he finished speaking, I had cholera. I kid you not. I rushed to the toilet to stool. Kai, ma basi, what an eruditely stupid submission.

My brother Allen, my advice is for you to mortgage at least four of your planes and get the very best legal support in the world – I suggest the firm that represented OJ Simpson and even though the man don die, he still get staff because they know how to handle a very bad case. Explore diplomatic channels at the highest level and also engage influential international lobbyists because if your “Igbo” brothers distract you, we may be spending some time with P.Diddy.

Mbok, fight this with sense. We are praying for you. Thank you.

Godswill Akpabio: Beware of Ides of March

Julius Ceaser was warned to beware the Ides of March, for my brother, na ides of all the months in the year.

We have seen reports suggesting a posible movement against him by his colleagues. Though he has come out to refute it in a statement and has restated his committment to the Senate and to Nigeria, it is not yet over.

As my former school principal,  Mr. DB Ajayi, use to say, a sinner runneth when no man pursueth. Akpabio is deeply unpopular but at the same time fun to have as Senate President.

Me as a person, I love the gaffes associated with him which makes me laugh and which I consider a small distraction from the vagaries of life in today’s Nigeria.

His unpopularity I must say on the other hand stems from his almost insensitive outlook towards the plight of the average Nigerian and his inability to provide a strong bulwark against a ‘runaway’ executive arm of government.

So do you think, I support the removal of Akpabio as Senate President?  The answer is No ooo. For the simple reason that if you take a cursory look at that hall, you will understand my position. There is no other uncommon senator in that hall.. One who will understabd the strategic importance of eating while we are protesting.

How many of them can fill a stadium endorsing him ‘life’ senator and in attendance the sitting governor from another party?

Mbok, they should leave our Akpabio for us o. He is the only one from Akwa Ibom that we have o.

Martins Otse: Very Dark Problem

For me, this was a very dark person. You got hold of a private conversation, forgetting the illegality of recording someone without his consent, and released it with full commentary, and some yeye lawyers were telling me that it is not defamation.

Me that the closest I have gone near Law school is standing by the bus stop opposite the place on Victoria Island, siddon here in Shomolu knows that it was defamation with capital letters.

I did not do this much when Chief Afe Babalola slammed me with a letter of criminal defamation. I rushed to Ekiti, carried all the big juju men I know from Ekiti to go and prostate, and even offered to have a haircut.

They even gave you time to apologise and retract and you were still playing to the gallery, only to go to the National Assembly after the deadline had been over to apologise. Mbok, they have slammed you with a judgment and I am here laughing.

Another source of worry that I am having here is the kind of lawyers that we are churning out these days. Some of these lawyers no really get sense o. Come and see the way they were even arguing with me all over the place when it was very clear that this very dark person was in the wrong.

Now judgment has come and the young man is left alone to his fate. I really hope his many followers will not desert him now especially as it is looking like there is monetary liability attached to the judgment. A very dark place to be. Na wa.

The Falanas, Please Leave Bobrisky Alone

The Falanas are beginning to look like one major reality show. The elder patriarch with a strong and rich pedigree in advocacy, human rights and power play; the handsome and very successful son who is a celebrity rapper and part-time social crusader, and the beautiful daughter who I am just seeing and falling in love with. Mbok, the lady is beautiful. I didn’t know that she even existed let alone her flawless beauty and elocution,  and then the Mummy who is also a SAN but has remained quiet in all of this drama.

The way they are going, MultiChoice will start to consider using them to replace their weak Big Brother Naija show.

My major push to the Falanas is to kindly leave Bobrisky out of this round. The guy/babe has suffered enough, you can see that his/her makeup is falling off from worry.

The man was “jejely” giving his friend private “fabu” in my estimation. People say all sorts privately to either cajole them into bed or make them vote for them in the Edo election or make them support Wike over Fubara.

Maybe that was what Bob was doing to his friend in a very private conversation and enemies within leaked the thing to basket mouth who rushed to publish without reaching out to you for your position, without reaching out to Bob for confirmation, without any investigation – basic tenets of journalism – now you are chasing the “fabulist.”

If it is that one, by the time you check my own private conversations on this matter,na firing squad you will order for me.

So, my great friends, the Falanas, Bob is not your man, he has kuku said it was not him on the recording and that you should go and meet the man who released it to tell you who was on that thing. How can he apologise for something he claims not to know? In fact, he can even say he was at the salon washing his hair at the time of the recording.

Let us face this very dark fiend because he brought it to the public.

Nigerians had better reward me with an honorary Law degree with the way I am going o. It looks like I have more sense than some lawyers. I have more sense than Samson, the lawyer from Mushin who called me one Saturday and spoke to me for over one hour on the matter and by the time he finished, if I had seen the Oga of Law School, I for slap am for allowing such a person to pass through his school.

Troost Ekong: That was a Kidnap

As I watched the videos coming out of the Libyan situation with our football team, the only thing that came to my mind was that this was a hostage situation. I don’t know why people are not saying it for what it was- a true hostage situation.

Or how do you explain dropping us in a nondescript airport, no food or water, no communication with officials, refusal to allow them to go near the exit door, verbal abuse as reported – my people, the only thing missing na request for ransom money.

Maybe they have seen how broke we are and must have felt that these ones cannot pay o. But they failed to realise that we have Seyi. Seyi Tinubu would have paid anything to get our boys out.

For me, I think Nigeria should make a formal report to the International Court of Justice at the Hague for kidnap, assault and trauma. This one is no longer football; this one was terrorism by other means.

Saying that they too went through the same ordeal and didn’t complain is crap. What they went through in Nigeria was caused by them.

Nigeria should go for their expulsion and if there is any other punishment higher than that, we push for it. This was criminal. Thank you.

Indermit Gill, It’s Not Your Fault

This World Bank person, carrying his shaggy beard and looking very unkempt, opened his mouth to say that we must stay the course for another 15 years in this hardship. Mbok, this his lecture, he should have come to give it in Shomolu and after, we ask him to walk to his car alone and through the crowd then he will know just how Nigerians feel about his talk and his “paddy” government.

So, in one year, fuel has moved from where it was to where it is now, a crate of eggs has moved from where it was to where it is now, per hour hotel rooms have moved from where it was to where it is now and this one is saying 15 years by which time we would have all turned into the ghosts who danced for Michael Jackson in his Thriller video.

These are the kinds of people who are advising this government, making them impervious to the cries and sufferings of the people. People are dying and yet the screws keep tightening and this “mulla” is saying that we should endure not for 15 months but 15 years.

Mbok, what kind of “mumu” talk is that na. Is he saying there can be no alternative? Didn’t Obasanjo ask Babangida for a human face to his SAP? It appears this person and his friends in government have no real humanity, otherwise, this will not be happening, I tell you. Fifteen years ko, 15 years ni. Mshewwww.

 It Wasn’t Lucky Aiyedatiwa

I should not be laughing but could not help it when I saw reports that suggested that it was the Ondo  State Governor who was in the clip.

I had watched the clip and saw something else- the wickedness of a woman. The Baba was walking away and the woman suddenly grabbed the man’s shirt and started screaming that he had beaten her. You see what men suffer at the hands of these kinds of women. If there was no video footage, that is how we would have lost another man.

But the Ondo opposition people saw something else in the footage- an opportunity for mischief. They said, oh that was Lucky feeling very unlucky in a tryst, turning Ondo State Government officials into plastic surgeons.

Come and see how they took the two faces and dissected them – Lucky has no gap teeth, the man has. Lucky has high cheekbones; the man has low cheekbones. The man skin dry, Lucky own wet. The man beard is slim, Lucky own wide.

Long and short, it wasn’t him. Na wa.

Rufai Oseni: A Thorn in Which Flesh?

This one will be thinking he is a thorn in the flesh. He will be sitting down in the studio and be postulating like say na him get Nigeria. Ohhh Tinubu’s eyes are too large, Wike looks scrawny, El-Rufai cannot speak English; he will be shouting on the set and mumu people will be hailing him.

Rufai used to be my friend but now I don’t like him again, he is now very slim. What you people do not know is that Rufai used to be very big- as in fat. His potbelly was out of this world and now that he has lost weight he will be yabbing everybody.

I think that Rufai is not any thorn in anybody’s flesh, I can tell you that. He is but a pimple that thinks he is a full-grown boil and it is as a result of this that I challenge him to a debate on any issue of his choice to naked him once and for all.

See, it is not even me that will debate him, it is that tall Mulatto spokesman, the one that just resigned abi sacked, that is the one that will give him fire for fire.

My dislike for Rufai and what he stands for is so palpable that this December, at the Muson I will reveal all of his secrets so that his enemies can come and catch him. Should I release one now? Oya take this – Rufai does not take an evening bath, he goes to sleep sweaty and in the nude. There you go, that is just one and I have over 100. This December, I will strip Rufai naked and the whole world will see what he truly is – a very short dark man. Kai.

Sunday Igboho: Tourist in Transit

What was that? Going to seek whatever at No 10 Downing Street? I don’t believe that that was the real Downing Street o. My friend, Yemi Edun, has that same door and fence in his office in that same London. Yes, I have been there before and I also took pictures and if nobody tells you, you will think it is the real Number 10.

So that is what I am telling myself or how else can you explain such an “idiotic” move of going to submit whatever to the British Government? I don’t understand. Is the British Government INEC or what?

My people, let us just assume that it was Yemi Edun’s office he went to and not the real Number 10 so we fit rest. Thank you.

Herbert Wigwe: Leave Him Be Please

My attention was drawn to one lazy man’s post on social media during the week. Wearing a red cap and looking like “Zoro,” the sword man, he alleged all sorts of things including the “forgetting of Herbert’s legacy in the fifteen achievements of Access Bank since his demise.”

Immediately I saw it, I rushed to the comment section to have a feel of what Nigerians thought about this and very unusually over 80% of comments were against him and rightly so.

People just wake up in the morning and because the cost of eggs is now very prohibitive and out of hunger, just pull things from the sky to cause confusion and anarchy just for the fun of it.

The man said he was Herbert’s private media person, whatever that means abeg.

As we were struggling with that one, the next thing was news circulating that Pastor Wigwe, Herbert’s 90-year-old father was taking his legacy custodians to court asking for 20% of his assets.

I have also seen a report allegedly issued by the old man falsifying the other report and asking to be left alone.

I think very strongly that the family and those very close to them be left alone to handle this massive loss which I think they are still struggling with.

Imagine losing a man, his wife and his son in one day – an ironical and perfect culling – and a few months later, red-capped zombies are all over the media trying to stir needless controversy.

Who the hell are you to want to fight for his legacy even if the legacy is under threat? On what grounds are you standing and on what information are you riding on? Funny.

My talks within the core critical circle of Herbert’s family and associates show that nothing can be further from the truth. In fact, I reported here last week that his daughter, Tochi, had just been appointed to the board of the HOW Foundation, so what are we talking about?

Please let Herbert’s genuine friends be left alone to cry our cry ooo. This is still very very very painful. Let us cry our tears.