Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR

Tinubu’s Cabinet: Soldier Go, Soldier Come

Mbok, this cabinet reshuffle is boring abeg. Not exciting and very dour. We expected the president to make changes in areas that have direct involvement in the current situation of the country.

Any reshuffle that did not touch Finance, Abuja, or Defence ministries is not reshuffle, it is what in Shomolu we call – patta, patta.

Removing women’s affairs, humanitarian and other ministers can best be rendered as cosmetic.

Two years later, each minister should have been made to face a panel to present a case as to why they should be retained and Ministers of Finance, Trade and Investment, Defence, Agriculture, Power and maybe Education should have been made to really sweat to retain their seats.

Wike too should have been examined again:  Is he a minister or a Niger Delta militant? He should have been made to make a choice, not this one that every weekend he would run to Port Harcourt, set fire there and run back to Abuja to tell the residents there to “shut up.”

Bringing Bianca Ojukwu is a masterstroke of inclusivity. That was well done. 

 Overall, the exercise lacked bite, was not robust enough and smelled of fear to engage the interest that seems to have held down this regime. 

Wike vs Atiku: Stutterers at War

Me, I don’t just like this Wike person and his enemy is my friend. I am very sure I belong to a large cluster of Nigerians who see his irritating approach to politics as a direct beneficiary of the drop in standards in the field.

The other day, he was seen asking Atiku to go back home because he had failed in elections and Atiku also rightfully responded that he would not drag himself in the mud with him.

My people, this wahala reminds me of the saying my very good friend at the University of Ibadan, Obinna Iwunna, used to throw at me each time I called him out to a fight. He would stand up, remove his chewing stick from his mouth, pour out a large dose of spittle on the floor and while pointing the chewing stick at me would now say in his very strong Igbo accent: “Edgar, cloth a pig, bath a pig, dress a pig, a pig is a pig.”

Me, I have not called anybody a pig o, I am just saying what Obinna used to call me in order to avoid a fight. It looks like it is the same stance Atiku, as a well-respected former Vice President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria has taken and deservedly so. Kai, where are the statesmen? Will this kind person even utter a whimper during  Awolowo, Azikiwe and Balewa’s time, when true men were in politics? Sad.

Dollarisation of Ikeja City Mall

This is truly a very sad story. This is the story of my brother, Bruno, who runs the famous barbing salon at the sprawling Ikeja City Mall. Well, recently he has been in pain because of the seven-day quit notice they have given him following his demand that the managers of the mall stop forthwith the dollarisation of their services.

According to Bruno, his rents and other such amenities are charged in dollars even though they send invoices with both local and forex in demand for their payments.

His strict insistence that their services should not be dollarised or benchmarked against the dollar according to the management’s explanation has all fallen on deaf ears and even the involvement of consumer rights agencies has not helped matters.

Bruno goes on to say that it is as a result of this situation that the exit rate of tenants in the iconic mall keeps rising with another two tenants in court on the same matter.

Well, this is very delicate for me, because if it is true that the services and charges are in dollars, then the people are really trying to hedge against the volatility of the naira vis-a-vis their costs which could be dollar-based.

But that said, the CBN has been very categorical in its policy against the dollarisation of the economy. So, the owners and managers of this Ikeja City Mall really do not have the right to go against the policy which in essence would be making them perform an illegal act.

Moreover, they are not the only ones with dollar-based expenditure – what of airlines, huge multinational hotels and others, so hiding behind one finger and doing this is economic sabotage.

Bruno runs a barbing salon where he employs hundreds of displaced youths, giving them hope. I know for a fact that he runs an entrepreneurial model which ensures profit sharing and allows these youths within six months to move on to establish theirs. This must be commended and must not be strangulated because some foreign interests with powerful local backers cannot see beyond their profit motive.

Please, whatever the case may be, let the CBN policy be adhered to and if Bruno and the other tenants cannot pay their rent, they should be kicked out but you cannot do illegality and add that with “terrorist” moves like cutting light and water and giving an illegal seven-day notice to quit and still be positioning yourselves as good corporate citizens. Sad and annoying.

It’s Silence of the Grave from Pastor Bakare and Friends

The lady was very beautiful. Light-skinned and extremely gorgeous, the type that made me fail exams in school. With her very strong Igbo accent – shouted on the screen – why is Prof. Wole Soyinka deaf, why is Pastor Tunde Bakare blind, why is Femi Falana dumb? My people, I am writing this piece with fear because these people she has called have the capacity to make my life miserable. But if this“small” girl can talk without fear, why will I now be fearing na?

These gentlemen cannot beat me na. Worse they will pull my ears and say, “Omo ali  gborun.” The kernel of the lady’s anger is the rallies these three led against former President Jonathan who had moved fuel to N65 per litre. These three with others shut down Lagos. I remember very well o because I was there and stood very far eyeing the damsel that insisted that if I wanted a kiss, I should come to Ojota. Na so I carry my head go there o and saw Femi Kuti shaking his big head on stage, saw Soyinka’s grey hair and the rest of the “Yoruba” people bullying Jonathan to submission.

Today, we are using the amount we used to use to buy a full car engine to buy a full tank and these ogas are suddenly more interested in other pursuits. One is busy giving lectures on Kongi Harvest, the other one is chasing Bobrisky and VDM and the other one is trying to see how he can maybe ramp up tithes.

The silence of the Yoruba intelligentsia in this carnage is alarmingly disturbing. Where are the men of conscience who fought Abacha and IBB to a standstill? Where is Prof Aborishade, Ebenezer Babatope, Afenifere and all those who were rabid in fighting for the “people.”

The cat has taken all of their tongues and this is a shame of a generation of men that used to be men. The girl said as much and in anger called these men names, I cannot mention here. I respect her pain and also align with her thoughts and as Wole Soyinka said in his book- the man in him dies when….. I don forget the rest abeg. I have made my point and anybody wey no like am can come and beat me, I am here waiting. Sad.

Seyi Makinde: Fear Not, Jump in

I listened to this Oga speak at a farm settlement where he invoked the spirit of Chief Awolowo, my personal hero. He was responding to the possibility of his emerging presidential candidate and in the usual style of our leaders, was talking in circles and riddles.

Mbok, my brother, please be brave enough to come out openly if you are interested. Yes, you are correct in saying that we must not only allow Nigeria to fall into a one-party state. Our situation is worse than a one-party state o, the way we are going now na monarchy we dey look.

So, if men like you would prefer to go to the farm to be talking like there is palm oil in your mouth, then we are in real trouble. Remember that I have forgiven you for joining Wike and the “Muppets” in that your five-man caricature during the elections.

It is time now for you to redeem yourself, brace up, stand up and give “Alaye” a fight for his agbado.

If you don’t have the boldness to declare, then just keep quiet and allow us to continue in our servitude and don’t distract us with tales by moonlight. But if you are ready and have the power, stand up to be counted so we know what to do to support you.

This is not the time for comedy Oga, are you in or not?

Kanayo O. Kanayo, Not Statesman-like

I used to respect this one before but since he joined his brother, Obi Cubana in that hedonistic debauchery he called his mother’s burial, I have lost so much respect for him to the point that if I see his image anywhere I just scroll past so fast that you would think he had virtual ebola.

But his latest post refused to skip my attention. I kept skipping and the thing kept popping up. So, I said let me even listen to what he had to say.

Apparently, he was coming back from “Felele” in Oyo State to Lagos and was lamenting that it took him one hour to get to Lagos and that in all of that 80-kilometre journey, he did not see one single police or army post.

Then he now went on to compare it with the Onitsha-Enugu Road, stating that the number of checkpoints both by the Army and police and other such organisations’ was “humiliating” to the Igbo people and ended by asking if the South-east is still part of Nigeria.

You see why I don’t respect him and see him as “something” that should be allowed to continue to wallow in his make-believe world where he is rubbing chalk and powder all over his face with his children and grandchildren instead of pretending to even know exactly how the real world operates.

He has apparently not heard of sit-at-home Mondays; he has not seen videos of the killings of innocent Nigerians who dare to come out on Mondays to look for what to eat. He has not heard of the spate of kidnappings, killings and general insecurity in the place. He has also not heard of the separatist movements that have really ramped up tension there and as a result, the so-called “militarisation” of the South-east has become absolutely necessary.

When Lagos and the South-west get to that point, he can be sure that they too would be militarised like the North-east is presently militarised.

Elders like this should push for unity and cohesion rather than be pushing for separatist thoughts.

Mudi: Urhobo Man at Marriott

My brother has done 30 years in the very volatile industry that his fashion is winning so many pioneering laurels. First to go on billboard, first to design a foreign monarch – King of Morocco, first to have a street named after him and first to wear skinny pants and eat beans at Terra Kulture.

In celebration, he invited about 30 media icons to a sit down at the very expensive Marriott Hotel. I went o and saw some very legendary media men- from Mayor Akinpelu to Kunle Bakare and Azuka Ogujiuba who I can say “discovered” me.

Mudi was restless throughout the event. E be like say, he count the water and minerals. Almost to hold paper and pencil to tick out the names as we took our bottles of water.

As guests walked in, you would be given your own bottle of water and asked to go to the buffet only once. You see wetin “Tinubunomics” cause. Then Mudi will count your meat and make sure you no use rice hide meat.

Before the show, he called like three times – Edgar, abeg no vex, come alone. No bring anybody o. Aloba also confirmed that he also received the call like three times.

The Urhobo man don count the number of people, tie am to the food and drinks and pay the exact number, so no stories.

After the very elegant event, I rushed to the nearby Jevnik to swallow poundo and afang since na only 36 pieces of rice Mudi let me chop.

Happy anniversary my brother, you are truly an icon in the industry.

Chike Ogeah:  London Pilgrim

My Whatsapp rang out and the next thing I saw was a picture of Ogbuefi Chike Ogeah with his very handsome grandchild. The debonair man of style was celebrating his birthday in London with his grandchild and children.

Honourable Chike who recently laid to rest his very beautiful wife, Funke, has been taking things very easy and that is why he decided to spend time with his brood on his birthday in solemn celebration instead of having a raucous birthday ceremony.

Chike is a massively influential businessman and media person. He runs the holding company that owns the huge Marriott Hotel in Ikeja amongst other very prominent businesses. Happy birthday egbon and God will grant you a long life and all you wish for yourself.

Idris Elba Not My ‘Okonkwo’

Well, I don’t know if you saw the announcement that the mega star, Idris Elba, would be starring as Okonkwo in a huge adaptation of Chinua Achebe’s phenomenal work – Things Fall Apart.

Ever since the announcement was made, there has been a heated debate on the rightness or wrongness of the action. Me, I have kept quiet on the matter because any small thing I talk, people who used to yab me that I do not belong to the industry will start yabbing me again.

This is why I just came here because most of them don’t read papers to say my own.

I do not support the move; I think it is disrespectful just like they went to bring one Zambian to act as Fela, a poor imitation of Fela.

How Idris will embody the true “Igboness” of Okonkwo beats me when this would have been an opportunity to throw up one of our major talents into the global space using an ethnic vehicle like Things Fall Apart.

Idris could be used in a lesser role so he can use his star quality to push the epic movie.

Well, nothing concerns me, it’s not my money so all I can do is to say my own and waka. When my money come, I will use Jagaban because things have really fallen apart. I have run away oooo.

 Bobrisky: What Exactly Did He Do Wrong?

When one person’s freedom is trampled then our collective freedom is at risk. Please, for a second, let’s forget the lipstick, the fake breasts and the very busy clothes, Mr. Idris Okuneye in my books is today a prisoner of conscience.

I have diligently taken my time to wait to see if reasons will be given for his “capture” and as of the time of my writing – 4 am, Thursday, October 24, in the year of our Lord 2024, nobody has said categorically what he is being held for.

Instead, we are hearing of how he was captured like he was a very dangerous criminal who was involved in a massacre. Authorities are diligently telling us about his sleeping arrangements and their findings after bodily inspecting him.

This is what we have been told and I stand to be corrected, the federal committee has cleared him and confirmed that he spent time in jail but with privileges. Nobody has come out to accept being bribed by him or any of his agents. In fact, the authorities have vehemently denied that episode. The Falanas have won their defamation case against VDM, strengthening Bob’s case.

So, the only thing I see that Bob has done wrong so far is his refusal to attend the House of Representatives summons which to the best of my knowledge is not a treasonable offence. The people who captured him have not heard of house arrest or seizing his passports if it’s so critical that he should face the panel.

Even the Bob sef is not availing himself of quality legal representation. I would not face that panel under the circumstances to be made a national ridicule. I would instead go to the courts to protect myself since I would not be sure of a fair hearing. I would insist that my fundamental rights be protected and not be running towards Seme.

The man who says I didn’t serve in jail should show evidence, the authorities whose job it is to jail and hold me, should prove what they did. How all of this concerns Bob beats me. The private conversation was just that – private – and it could have been “fabu” all the way because he was owing the person. But seriously, he has said it was not him and there have been no efforts in proving him wrong by anyone.

So, my people, sitting on this my toilet seat as I am writing, I do not see why he is being held.

Some have said maybe the system wants to teach him a lesson for his lifestyle and this is crazier. The nearest law that can be applied is 14 years for homosexuality and not the appearance of it. So, the man can wear all his lipstick and put fake bum and strutting up and down should not now mean that his liberty be trampled upon. Please release him NOW. Thank you.