Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR

Seyi Tinubu: It’s Monarchy

During the last week, a newspaper publication burst the news of Seyi’s purported interest in the governorship seat of Lagos State and all hell was let loose.

Analysts went to town on the report. Not only analysts o, even those of us who have not eaten three square meals since Buhari left also started analysing. There is no kind of analysis that we have not heard from all platforms. Radio and TV stations, social media, molue buses, bus stops and everywhere, Lagosians were discussing the good news.

For me, I think the gubernatorial ambition, if true, is a degradation of where we are today as the royal family. Why limit yourself to Lagos when you have the whole of the country as your oyster?

The presidency should be the next position while you leave Lagos for the boys- abi you have not heard of Absalom in the Bible? Let them Abiru and Gbaja struggle with that one abeg.

Abi is it by mistake that you have been going on global trips, meeting the Qatari Royal Family, attending FEC meetings, visiting flood victims and receiving red-carpet treatments all over the nation only for you to limit yourself to Lagos which is but a local government in the grand scheme of things?

Mbok anybody close to Mr. Tinubu Jnr. should tell him to forget that “little” ambition — if it is true — and focus on the presidency.  Better still, he should work assiduously to turn the whole thing into a monarchy so that you kukuma just inherit everything. Abeg what else come remain?

You see, when you beat people too much, what you get is lethargy and apathy. Where we are today is a state of “we don tire” Anything you want to do, come and do. Whether na governor, president, king or emperor, na garri be our problem. Thank you.

Uju Kennedy: Adieu Mama Africa

Kai, they have kicked mummy out. Oh my God! I could not stop laughing each time she appeared on set. Yes o, it was one big movie set for this one who paraded herself like a caricature from a poorly scripted Nollywood movie.

In fact, I should parody her in one of my plays. The woman didn’t just get it. She lacked decorum, carriage and elegance. She was a perfect example of that thing we used to call in banking – employment error. She so demystified her position to the point that she lost all respect.

Did you see the video where she went into a police station to fight for a child who was defiled? She was screaming at the top officer, wringing her hands like a market woman, complete with smirks, hiss and eye movement- you know how angry illiterate women used to eye people when they are upset, that was exactly how the honourable minister was eyeing the policemen.

At some point, a policeman lost it and shouted back. She had just brought her office to the mud and the office of the president who appointed her and who she represents at all times to the floor. The policeman shouted back: “Oh, you cannot instruct me, I don’t take instructions from you,” he bellowed.

She now said, “Okay, I will call the IG,” and instantly brought out her phone and called someone and said “Oga…”

Kai! This was a train crash. This was not ministerial at all; this was just a caricature that found herself in power and could not calm down and just learn how to be elegant. I will miss her though, because she provided a certain relief amid all the hardship.

Alex Mascot Ikwechegh: Shrek in the House

My people, when I watched the video of the purported assault and saw the picture of this person, the only thing that came to my head was “Shrek.” I know some of you can no longer afford a DStv subscription and as such, may not know who Shrek is. Shrek is the green character in the Eddie Murphy movie of the same title. It was good-natured but had very ugly characteristics. This our Honourable looked like Shrek and also displayed very ugly characteristics. That level of bullying was so undeserving and showed very clearly the background and home training of this character who has found himself in our hallowed halls as a member.

Thankfully, he has been charged and the House ethics committee has also taken up the case. He must face severe sanctions and maximum punishment ascribed to such an offence and he must send monetary reparation to the driver who very unlike him was trying to eke out an honest living. The NDLEA must also be brought in to see if the honourable member is on something because that kind of unprovoked attack cannot come out from a sane mind, I tell you. Let’s run a series of tests, not only drug o but also mental tests, make we never go vote in a mentally-challenged person to make laws for us.

TY Danjuma in a Pastor’s Den

A cleric from Taraba State had written a book in which the highly respected General T. Y. Danjuma (rtd) felt defamed by him. As a law-abiding General who will not resort to other means his colleagues are adept at which is unleashing his soldiers and batmen on the clerics’ butt, he got his lawyers to write the cleric and seek a retraction, failure which he would take him to court and ask for billions in damages.

Mbok, I am sure they did not bargain for Baba’s reply. Cleric threw the bible at Danjuma o. He basically said that he would be suing God, and that he was but a messenger and he had done his job. Immediately I read this, I raised my head to the sky. This was classic. Pastor threw the bible at a General o. He continued, that instead of then General at his age to seek forgiveness for all of his sins, he is threatening him with court. He did not end there o. He said that the mission is looking for money to drive God’s work, and this one is using the money to go to court, and ended by basically telling the General to go put his hands in the body cavity where the sun doesn’t shine.

Now let me ask Nigerians, what would you do if you were in Gen Danjuma’s shoes? How will you respond to this? Would you still go ahead with the court case and risk “God’s wrath” or would you send for the cleric and kneel for him to bless you in your old age? Me, I will run to the man’s church and beg for forgiveness. You know that I am a card-carrying member of the Cowards Association of Nigeria.

Aliko Dangote: A Different Kind of Problem

 I don’t even know if I should even pity this Alhaji or mind my business since he took it upon himself to save Nigeria from the leprous hands of the cabal that has sucked us dry in the downstream oil and gas sector.

While we were busy carrying placards in his support against the monsters he was fighting, Alhaji has doubled his personal worth, while our own personal worth has also doubled but southward.  Since I joined Alhaji’s camp, he is said to have doubled his net worth.

So as I watched him lament that he has 500 million litres sitting down in his storage without anybody taking it and that it was costing him money, I tried but could not bring myself to pity him.

The logic of it all amazes me. So, we now have more than enough capacity to service local consumption and more but we still insist on importing with all the associated costs.

What is the deciding factor for our government people to continue to insist on importation if quality and efficient delivery is no longer an issue if not the personal benefit that comes with this importation?

Let me remove my personal envy for Mr. Dangote’s personal net worth and painfully, one last time, jump to his defence. Those who are still hell-bent on importation are those who should be arrested and tried for economic sabotage. They have done everything possible to sabotage this local refinery and, in the process, cause untold pain to Nigerians because of its debilitating effect on the economy.

All I can say at this point is to call on the fire of Damocles to come down and burn enemies of Nigeria since the judiciary has turned to Muppets on Sesame Street. Fire will burn them and Nigeria will be free one day, in this our lifetime, I swear. Just watch.

Kashim Settima’s Life Not at Risk

My dear people of Borno State, let me tell you categorically that the life of your major contribution to our democracy – Alhaji Shettima – is not at any risk abeg. So because stone nack his windshield, we should buy a new plane for him? Mbok, if you guys love him that much, abeg you people should contribute the money and buy it for him. Shebi you guys have Alhaji Indimi there? We do not have money to do this plane oo.

Let me state very categorically that if Nigeria tries this one and buys a new plane for this man, I will personally walk stark naked into that National Assembly and slap somebody. I am saying it now o, you people should not try me because that would be one provocation too much. What is it? We have built a new house for N21 billion, we have bought a yacht, we have bought a new plane and we are paying for exoteric monthly medical vacation. We that have the money are here struggling with N200,000 bags of beans.

Please, nobody should annoy me o because my anger is very bad. If you try it, no DSS or Army or Civil Defence will stop me, I will enter that National Assembly stark naked and show you what an Ibibio man does in high anger.

Let me even ask, all these journeys up and down what has it brought to us. Have we seen any debt forgiveness or any new major investment or even any remarkable change in our international perception and we are now thinking of buying a new plane for a man to be junketing up and down? Please, let’s respect ourselves o.

Dave Umahi: An Oseni Type of Attack

I listened in awe at the verbal umbrage unleashed on the Minister of Works by the chairman of something in the House of Representatives, one Hon. Oseni.

Mbok, it is not from me you will hear this one. If you are really interested in hearing all the yabis this Oseni unleashed on my brother Umahi, just google ‘Umahi under attack’ and the thing will come out and you can watch in peace.

Pending when you go and get the google clip, let me just say that if Umahi had stolen Oseni’s wife, Oseni would not have unleashed on him like he did o. He basically called him a time waster and a man with no true sense of priority. He said the roads have all collapsed. Mbok, that was too much. If it was Wike he was shouting down on like that, I would not have minded at all but Umahi the hardworking minister who has built only one……. Ahhhhh let me keep quiet o before Umahi will now use me to do low hanging fruit.

But in response, Umahi went personal like all things Nigeria. He started to make mouth “Ahh, I was not there,” he boasted within the comfort of his office. If I was there ehn, he said, sounding like Chief Eleyinmi of the rested Village Headmaster. He further went petty by asking – what has he achieved and that he would not join issues because of the respect he has for the Speaker and the National Assembly.

Mazi, it is not about respect, it is about what exactly you have done. Please, we have gone past respect, we now need action and report. Mbok, don’t respect us, just give us a report on the N300 billion I hear they have released to you.

I am happy you have said you will soon release the report. Kindly release it very quickly so that I can help you yab that Oseni back.

So, my brother, instead of calling a press briefing, please concentrate on bringing that report because we need to put that Oseni man back into his hole.

Akintoye Akindele: Man on Fire

This is my friend that I cannot deny but I am kinda worried. I just saw a report that he is in EFCC custody after being accused of squandering about $35 million meant for the building of a refinery for the government.

This comes on the heels of his ongoing problem with the Abiolas, also bothering on the misuse, diversion and illegal taking processions of funds meant for their joint venture.

Akin is my friend, I must confess but all of these things are much more worrisome. This man is brilliant, kind and God fearing but all these things are just too much.

The funds being allegedly tied to his name are purportedly misappropriated from various institutions and individuals. It is scary that I am totally confused.

My main issue is that, as an investment banker, I know how difficult it is to secure the confidence of investors, the stress you go through even after securing the confidence in passing through all the challenges to get the funds deployed and then you now get the funds and we start to hear these kinds of stories? It’s not the best. I really pray for him and certainly do hope that all these stories are not true and that he would somehow be able to defend himself and come out of all of this because this is all too disturbing. Really sad, such an intelligent and brilliant fellow.

Larry Ettah: An Old Kind of Gentleman

Larry is the former Group Managing Director of giant UAC and he celebrated his 60th the other day somewhere in Ikoyi. Larry belongs to that class of business magnates who ran with integrity and vision. He arrow-headed the diversion of the huge conglomerate into fast food retail business which saw the revolution that was Mr. Biggs,

Since retirement, he has gone into private equity where he has continued to build and nurture businesses.

He is also a culture exponent as every year with his people he pulls in almost the whole world to Uruan, his village in Akwa Ibom to celebrate the beautiful Ekpe Masquerade.

He remains highly respected and distinguished and it’s no wonder that such notables like Admiral Akpan, Ufot Udeme, Tony Nda, Uto of MTN and Senator Udo Udoma and a host of others gathered to celebrate him.

I was there o and I am happy to report that although I did not see afang to eat. I ate porridge with nice fresh fish and also a big bowl of Amala with plenty meat and gbegiri which I later washed down with fresh palm wine after which I went home to sleep.