Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR

Femi Otedola: Renaissance Man Strikes

During the week, Oga celebrated his birthday and sent out a message: “Oh, I don’t want noise as I am low profile.” Mbok, there can be nothing low profile about the Renaissance man. From his massive philanthropic gestures which have remained almost unparalleled, to his strategic business moves, and eventually with the massive reforms he is pushing at FBN Holdings. Even if he puts charcoal all over his body and covers himself with Nigerian Army-issued camouflage, and walks around in pitch darkness, he would still be recognised and carried shoulder high for his activities and contributions to humanity.

Mbok, let me even just name what he has done at FBN Holdings. Did you guys see the recent result announced? $371m with all indices recording over 100%  increase year-on-year and the “capture” of brilliant 30-year veteran Wale Oyedeji as the new Group Managing Director, thereby finally consolidating his hold on the group and thwarting the efforts of the old fox at a comeback.  You will agree with me that there is nothing low profile about this egbon from Epe.

Happy birthday Mr. White and may God give you a longer life and many more years of this your type of low-profile life. Well done sir.

Donald Trump and a Trumped-up America

America has entered this one as they say on the streets. They threw all manner of things at this baba to stop his rampaging assault on the presidency. From sex scandals, criminal prosecution, various indictments, possible prison terms, various assassination attempts and even the kitchen sink but the man kept rampaging through until he claimed the hot seat once again.

I already knew he would emerge simply because of his “awolokan” politics. The man just identified the major issues that scared the vast majority of downtrodden supremacy people and which the sycophantic elites also aligned and boldly spoke their minds, and got their support.

He was very strong on curbing immigration and sending illegal immigrants back – this is very vital because at the pace immigration is going, the white Anglo-Saxons would be eventually eclipsed, so to them, Trump’s position on immigration is an escape.

Mbok, don’t let me go into the nitty gritty of it all but to say that the Democrats went and brought a woman with Indian and black blood – all shades of “fear” to the average “supremacist” who still has the votes. Her political stance eventually led to her trouncing.

My people, since they cancelled my 10-year visa without any reason since Trump’s first missionary journey, I have removed my mind from anything America except their porn movies which are now even being surpassed in terms of quality and relatability by Nigerian-made ones sef. Nothing concern me with them and their matter. If they like they should drop another Hiroshima or they should drive all the Nigerians back, na here I siddon. Na Tinubu and his tax initiatives are my real problems o, no be that one. Na them sabi. Thank you.

Atiku vs Tinubu: Remi Tinubu Hit

You know how you will be going your own jeje and stray bullet, or should I say stray slap will just come from nowhere and hit you? That is what just happened to Mummy in this struggle between the Presidency and Alhaji Atiku who apparently, according to egbon Bayo, is still vexing at his “rejection at the last polls by Nigerians.”

Atiku, unlike Obi, has been very strategic and pungent in his criticism of this Awolokan policies and the debilitating impact on Nigerians. He even just said that you really cannot tax your way out of the economic situation your policies have thrown Nigerians into. This Atiku’s mouth is really bad o. You know that kind of mouth that you find on prostitutes. There is nothing he didn’t call the Tinubu administration. Na only Bole ka ja administration was what was left to call them o, and if he was still on good terms with Wike, he would have borrowed that one’s song – he dey pepper dem – to add insult to injury.

Well, as we have seen, the thing really peppered them o. So they woke up Uncle Bayo who had taken BP drugs and was wondering quietly if the thing would affect his erection to go and respond. The Baba did not really read Atiku’s position well when he replied that Nigerians had rejected him and his policies at the election. He did not know that Atiku was ready and was flying o. The  Baba dropped figures of the economy during his time as manager of the economy and if you compare the figures with what we are seeing now, it is like comparing my maths result in Form 4 – the one that they told me to go and learn mechanic that book is not my own – with Bill Gates’ maths result.

Anyway, the one that concerns me today was the stray bullet at Mummy Remi Tinubu. Something is really wrong with this Atiku. In response, he threw in Mummy’s call for prayers and yabbed her.

Look, let me warn Mr. Atiku or whatever you call yourself. Mummy was just doing her own little continuations and you have seen the way she has been working from planting vegetables in her garden to help with the food crises to supporting Ankara to help our local designers, and now she has called for prayers since we are all mostly on our knees in the first place, and you are calling her name into something wey no concern her.

Please mind yourself o. You have been warned.

Egbetokun: They Weren’t Pretending

Let me first say a big thank you to President Tinubu. Immediately, I saw the pictures of those malnourished little children in court and in different levels of fainting, I just knew that Daddy would order their release except he is not the Tinubu that I know.

One thing you people do not know about Mr. Tinubu is his love for mankind. I once went to his house at Bourdillon to beg him to allow me to write his biography and he offered me amala and ewedu. So it is not that kind of kind-hearted man that will see those images and still be playing ludo in his office.

So, when the Inspector General of Police was reported to have made the statement that was widely circulated, I pitied him and his communications advisers. Those images could damage the strongest of administrations, let alone an administration like this that is suffering severe image issues. So as a top official of the administration, it’s either you keep quiet or you make a middle-of-the-road assertion and move off very quickly.

In communications, women and children are soft areas which public officers use to shore up dwindling public images. You cannot see those little children in various states of anaemic disposition even if they were the ones who apprenticed for Lawrence Anini and still come out to make the kind of statement you were reported to have made – you notice that I am not repeating the statement before somebody comes to beat me.

I think you should reform your communications team and if nobody advises you, then you should build a strategic communications team around you so you don’t misbehave like that again.

Now that the president has offered amnesty, hosted them at Aso Rock and all, how do you feel my brother?

Gen Taoreed Lagbaja: A Sad But Colourful Departure

Let me express my deep condolences not only to the family of General Lagbaja but also to President Tinubu and by extension, the larger Nigerian family for the loss of this very obvious patriot.

Thankfully, the authorities had moved in to block the vacuum very quickly with the announcement of a replacement although in an acting capacity. We thank God for that.

But let’s look at one thing sha. One person had announced much earlier on social media the passing and also even gave a reason for the passing. The information was denied and we were even told that the said General had even placed a phone call to the president intimating him of his welfare and that the president also had wished him well.

Then a few weeks later, the official statement was released informing us of the sad event.

Now let me state my mind and I could be wrong. I think that social media miscreants may have been correct to an extent but because of the sensitive nature of the information as it concerns national security, the information had to be managed and for that, I stand with the authorities.

You see, the responsible use of information is very important, especially information of this nature. A lot has to be taken care of before such information is released – loyalty, replacements, shifting allegiances and an assurance that the military high command are in one boat. So it’s not something that anyone because he may have stumbled on the information and has access to social media will now just blatantly just push it out just like that.

On this one, I stand with the authorities and do wish them well as they reorganise and rebuild a potent force, especially at this time of national strife. Well done guys.

Baltasar Ebang Engonga: From Guinea with Love

As a subject expert, I was amongst the very first people to see the videos. I first thought they were manufactured by the ever-growing porn industry and did not think anything of it. The next minute, I started seeing news reports from very serious mainstream media confirming what had just happened.

This top government official was attempting to overthrow the government with his manhood. Oh my God, this guy had taken the cabinet, his president’s daughter, the police IG’s wife, his sisters’ friends, all 15, his brother’s wife, his cousin’s wife and countless other women both married and single.

He was like a human ebola virus ravaging and spreading through all who came close to him. Mbok, this was phenomenal, we had just met the most viral man in human history. He has dusted such legends as the famed Casanova, Emperor Bokassa and Hugh Hefner who was now looking like a boy scout beside this fool.

The question on everybody’s lips remains why such high-profile women who were already married to high-profile men, even allowed themselves to be filmed and recorded during the act. This beats me and the rest of the world. If you know how difficult it is to convince a married woman to be a secret liaison, and not only get them but get them to agree to be recorded while smiling during the act is nothing but a modern-day miracle.

Anyways, I send my condolences to the families affected and also to the people of Equatorial Guinea for such a tragedy because if for anything else, the rights to privacy as enshrined in all social justice ethos have been eroded by the alleged release of these tapes by the security agencies who discovered them. This is my only grouse on the matter since there was no evidence of underage liaisons or a forced participation or unwilling partner, a willing ebang kuku bang everybody. Let everybody go home and sort themselves out. Simple.

Edwin Clark’s Methuselah Strikes

I have just seen a report that claims it was Chief Edwin Clark’s petition that may have moved the EFCC towards my brother, Ifeanyi Okowa.

Well, the EFCC has done their usual and has also thrown it all over the media. My issue in this whole thing and my constant worry each time Chief Clark’s name comes up for discussion na him age.

Mbok if this man was a Minister in the early 1970s, how come he is still very spritely and active now in 2024? The thing used to baffle me. Was he a minister at 10 years old? Because me that was born in 1969, I am 55 now and the daddy was already dodging bullets during the Civil War even before I was born.

I have googled to ascertain his real age and have come out with nothing. Can someone please assist me with his true age because I am really very curious as to how someone who was that active from the First Republic still has time to be writing a petition and causing some confusion when he should be relaxed and playing god to us all?

Partisanship at that age, whatever it is, is just one kind.

Chioma Ude Brings Down Lagos

I have been hearing about this AFRIF thing for some time now and because they never invited me so I used to look from afar. But this year, my sister, Yvonne Victor Olomu of the HOW Foundation called me and I went.

Kai, I have been missing o, come and see o. Fine people, fine clothes, fine drinks, fine food but no afang sha and a coming together of all that is brilliant in the Nigerian entertainment industry.

They screened the opening film ‘Headless,’ the one where the actor Gideon Okeke actually jumped down from the Falomo Bridge and into the Lagoon.

Governor Sanwo-Olu was given an award and I hugged him and I also saw my Chairman, Prince Nduka Obaigbena who coordinated the tribute session on the great Herbert Wigwe.

Chioma shone like a thousand stars, her dress was something else, tight but elegant and I saw a lot of Nollywood people o – Yibo Koko, Chioma Akpota, Segun Arinze and the rest. I also saw the British-Nigerian mega star John Boyega and also the biggest star of them all -Ayo Subair the Executive Chairman of LIRS, a great man.

Nigeria has come of age and thanks to people like Chioma Ude for leading the charge. Well done sis.

Ada Obaje: The Lagos Women’s Marathon

Lagos big girls are doing the marathon this November o. Wait, let me list some that have agreed to run – Emem Usoro, the CBN Deputy Governor, Samira Adebiyi of AFEX, Bolanle Austen Peters, Folake Ani-Mumuney, Flora Fabyan,  Dr. Adaobi Nwachuku, Ndidi Obioha, Ini Abimbola, among others.

It is my sister, Ada Obaje, who is putting all of this together. I hear that over 500,000 women have done this run in its nine years of history. It continues to draw influence as it was designed to push healthy living, provide networking opportunities and push better bonding among women.

Me don go rent beach chair, buy pure water, buy dark glasses wey I go use siddon for roadsides and be watching the spectacle. You guys know that I don’t joke with women as I am a specialist in their affairs, hence my keen interest in this marathon. My main assignment is to help carry the ones who can’t make it on my shoulders past the finish line all for free. Thank you

Oh My God, Wale Macaulay?

Oh my God! As I was rounding up this column, the news hit me that my brother Wale Macaulay is gone. I called around to be sure and confirmed that he had passed on after being ill for over a year.

Wale who was the great-grandson of iconic Herbert Macaulay was first introduced to public consciousness in his job as a sound TV producer and thespian. I met him while putting together my Play, ‘Oba Esugbayi’ which looked into the role the Oba played in the setting up of the Iju Water Works in the 1930s which is still serving Lagos, and for his efforts was exiled to Ibadan for seven years.

Wale was supposed to be Oba Esugbayi and one thing led to the other and we fought. Kai! Since then I have not seen or spoken to him only to be woken up by this rude shock of the news.

May his soul rest well o. God, the beautiful ones are really going ooooo.