Loud Whispers With JOSEPH EDGAR

Garlands for Bola Tinubu

In Shomolu parlance, when the unexpected or something you didn’t even give a chance happens, you will describe it as “like play, like play.”

That is exactly what came to my mind when the wonderful news of the Port Harcourt Refinery roaring back to life hit the airwaves. “Mbok, like play, like play, Obong Tinubu want to surprise us o!” I exclaimed.

The Port Harcourt refinery has been on the cards since when I was a virgin. Five children later, it’s been stories upon stories. So many administrations have come and gone, one has even tried to sell it, but not even a drop of urine has come out of the place, let alone a product despite the billions spent on its TAM.

But like play, like play, what gained momentum during Buhari’s time has now come to fruition during daddy’s time and garlands must be sent to not only him but to also those who have worked assiduously to make this dream come true.

Indeed, this week has been a good one for Mr. President as the GDP report shows an increase to about 3.4%, unemployment also dropped and the US FDI to Nigeria showed an increase of seven per cent The government did not waste time in claiming accolades as they quickly released a statement claiming that we are now firmly on the path to recovery.

Mbok, make I rest this week from attacking Obong Tinubu. He and his team have tried this week. Make we hail them small and postpone all attacks till next week. This week, they deserve some small lemonade. Well done sir, and may God give you more energy to push for a better Nigeria. I know you can do it if only you can remove personal interest, nepotism and truly, truly fight corruption, you will see that like play, like play, you just might make this happen. Thank you.     

You see Mr. White Lion, it didn’t bite na. All that running and hiding under Ododo’s skirt was totally needless. You see an arraignment and EFCC wahala is all part of the gubernatorial debriefing after tenure. It is a ritual all of you must go through. Those before you have done it and many more will do it. Even your brother Okowa just did it and that’s all.

What is the conviction rate? Less than two per cent. So wetin come dey fear you, I nor know.

You wake up in the morning, eat breakfast, go to your gym, enter your car, pull in media and supporters, drive to the EFCC office, enter, greet them, they give you a form, you fill and you go home and begin the usual come today, come tomorrow and after like 10 years, they either give you a funny sentence which you will appeal to Supreme Court. By that time, dollars would have reached Adeboye’s projection because him go don tire to pray and people would have forgotten your matter.

Too many cases to refer to, so I did not understand all that Snake and Monkey Shadow you were doing all over the place. Is it not you that entered the court, siddon, smiled and even had time to calm your supporters down and now they have remanded you into EFCC custody, not even prison o, meaning say na rug and AC you go sleep. By the next arraignment, you are home and in the other room doing whatever. That is if you can still do sef.

Mbok you really “fall my hand” in the way you were behaving like a white chicken instead of the white lion we know. Mbok, take a rest abeg.

Wale Ajetunmobi: A Media Aide Under Fire

I hear Governor Sanwo-Olu has suspended this one. He is the governor’s aide on media or something like that and during the week, he went on X — the social media cesspool I avoid — and vomited. He was quoted to have said that the people who burnt down the TVC station were “hunted and executed.”

This is what you get when you are looking for jobs for the boys especially if they helped you harass and beat up voters to deliver their streets. So, in compensation, you give them media aide with no training, just because they have N100 data and have been active on social media. You give them a job and they will be wearing Ankara, carrying a big head and speaking on behalf of the government.

What is even the structure within the governor’s media circle? What are the systems of control? Is there any vetting or any mumu can just stand up and speak for the government because he has vacuous labelling?

The #EndSARS saga is very sensitive and everybody is praying that the thing should just go away and this barely literate mumu goes on social media to light a flame.

I think he should be sacked and made to carry “eboh” around the streets of Shomolu at midnight to appease the gods.

Simon Ekpa: Content Creator Extraordinaire

The problem with us is that we do not have driven leaders. Leaders who can chest the consequences of their actions and stand tall and say – yes, I said it and stand by it.

This one that looks like class captain was arrested recently and the first report we are hearing is that he is not a member of IPOB and not the Prime Minister of Biafra but just a content creator. This statement is annoying and degrading.

For years, you have pushed with so much hatred, claimed the title and pushed messages that have led to loss of lives, carnage, destruction and economic desolation and now na Finland police catch you ooo, not even SARS or our DSS, it is the people who will be giving you chocolate and indomie to eat in detention and you are quibbling that you are just a content creator. Content creator my scabies infested ass.

I thought you believed in your “Biafra” and you would do anything to get it. You even declared no movement on Mondays which led to people losing their lives and the rest.

Why can’t you be like Nelson Mandela who stood to the end for the cause he was fighting for? What do you think they charged him for? The same treason you will be facing when we eventually secure your deportation.

My brother, when they arraign you, you will stand on the dock and sing the Biafran National anthem and say very boldly that on Biafra I stand. If you believe in a cause, you stand by it to the end, not that one that “oyinbo” police that do not even know how to slap are catching you and you immediately turn to a content creator. What will you turn to when our own people touch you – a makeup artist? See the person people are swearing by.

That Bode George’s Advice to Atiku

You know one has to be very careful in discussing matters that concern these people who are 80 years old and above before you go and carry a curse. That is how Chuba Okadigbo went to call the great Nnamdi Azikiwe the “ranting of an ant,” He himself know wetin he carry.

So, when Centurion Bode George starts to attack Centurion Abubakar Atiku on behalf of Centurion Bola Tinubu, the rest of us who want to live long will mind our business o.

When creaky bones and dentures are “fighting,” you just buy Panadol, bandage and “Aboniki” balm and keep them aside to help them suit their injuries instead of taking sides.

Me I did not even know that Chief George can do maths o. He calculated Atiku’s age, added the number of years to the next election and arrived at a very accurate answer that would have given him an “A” if he was writing math in WASSCE, and now concluded that Elder Atiku should rest.

My people, I am 55 years old and want to pass their age, so I will not put mouth and ask if he has the locus standi to say this on the back of his refusal to go on exile statement if centurion Tinubu wins.

My own is to write column before my editor, Davidson calls me and says, “Duke if you don’t submit by 10 am, I will not carry you this week,” and I will reply “Editor e be like say dem don take light again for una area as you dey do me one kind,”

So, I waka pass on this one but let me explain one thing in case some of you don’t get it. I refer to people who have crossed the 100-year-old mark but will be parading an official age of between 70 and 90 in politics. Members of this exclusive group include Centurion Atiku, Centurion Obasanjo, Centurion Afe Babalola, Centurion Tinubu, Centurion Ike Nwachukwu, and Centurion Emeka Anyaoku, to mention a few.

Kai, dem go still beat me for this Lagos. Kai.

Who Wants Olusegun Obasanjo Dead?

Mbok who wants Centurion Olusegun Obasanjo dead? God forbid o. The conscience of the country and the only critic left behind. The rest have gone into nepotistic hibernation. Them Falana, Soyinka and the rest are on sabbatical.

I was in Abeokuta during the week with my brother, Dr. Austin Ebose who had just written a very powerful book on entrepreneurship and we wanted Baba Obasanjo to read the book. Me, I used to think that baba and I were kinda close but got the shock of my life as he asked them to tell me to wait while he had lunch.

Baba ate for one hour without inviting me, knowing full well that I was hungry and would have loved to eat with him. He treated me like I was Centurion Tinubu, with impunity and I regretted supporting him.

Anyway, he later came out and sat with us and discussed like he had not just finished offending me. I gave him “bad eye” as Austin spoke to him. The only thing I did not do was to hiss because I know that if I tried that one, na lion’s den I go enter.

Anyways, Baba did not tell me that some people were wishing him dead and went to announce it in Osun State where he had gone to open a road for the dancing governor. You see where he got it wrong, me that would have gone immediately into a trance to unravel the people and get them beheaded, he did not tell me but went to tell that one who responded by dancing around the stage.

Anyways, nothing will happen to our baba. He is our conscience and God will give him a longer life and keep him in perfect health for us. Baba, you aren’t going anywhere my guy. God keep you.

Matthew Kukah’s Apt Theory of Accidental Leadership

Bishop Kukah has been speaking truth to power since I was in secondary school. He must be dying his hair because the thing is still jet-black.

Anyways, his latest theory of accidental leadership being the main problem of leadership hits the mark.

What we have had “na waka pass” leaders. People who were just going on their own jeje and they just called them to come and take abeg. What you will get in that scenario and as we have been experiencing is “jangrova” leadership.

They get overwhelmed, and confused and in the endgame start chasing shadows. I tell you na, in my head, General Babangida was the best prepared. Even this Emilokan, he must have just listened to Buhari talk and from that pedestrian talk would have just said to himself – if this one with this kind talk can be President why not me – that is how emilokan political philosophy started o.

This Reverend father got it on point on this one – from the one that didn’t have shoes to go to school and whose wife must have directed him with the admonition “Don’t come back to this house if you don’t succeed to Baba who accidentally got there twice, to Yar’adua who said “Mbok, make una let me take care of my health.” All of our Leaders were just “mo gbo mo ya” leaders and that is why we are where we are today.

True leaders like myself are still doing shakara. When we are ready, we will do the right thing. For now, let’s just be eating afang and watching them. Thank you.

David Hundeyin: Distracted and in Trouble

Tinubu head don catch this one. My brother David has been on a spirited journey to topple the government. The man does not like Tinubu from here to there and it’s personal.

He has done investigative journalism on Tinubu’s head from his birth to his side chicks to his certificates to his “drug” problem down to ending up throwing up the CIA asset matter and has vowed to stop at nothing until he sees the back of emilokan.

The government has just been watching him, not knowing how to react or engage this “irritant.”

Anyway, that was how the man went to look for trouble in the UK and those ones who do not take rubbish took him to court and viola! He has been slammed with a fine of about $150,000. (The money is in pounds but my laptop does not have a pound sign so I convert the damn thing abeg).

Now this is where I miss IBB. IBB, that suave gentleman who knows how to silence critics would move in and pay the money for him and that will be the end of all of that one.

But Emilokan will now call Wasiu Marshall to come and sing so they can do owambe on David’s head.

Anyway, my brother, this is a hefty fine and this has also dented very seriously your credibility as a serious investigative reporter because if you could write those reports that we read that led to your being fined, then you sef are a man with clay feet.

Anyway, we can do crowdfunding to raise the money for you but by the time we finish, I would have joined the centurion age group. The best option is to go the emilokan way, it’s easy. Call me.

Vincent Otse: Curious Case of a Reluctant Social Critic

This very dark person recently came at Access Bank. He as usual went online and in a video screamed “Oh Access Bank can’t find N500million.”

Mbok, I don’t have the energy to go into the details of the matter and the matter sef is not even the point of this write-up o.

My argument this morning is by way of advice to this young man. You have forced yourself into national recognition and have given yourself a voice. Well done, the next thing is for you to build yourself intellectually, and build a competent structure around you – a team of legal, media, and image advisers – so that you are deliberate and confident when you open your mouth.

The Access Bank matter threw you up as a loud-mouthed empty head who did not even understand the basics of banking nor even the ethos of fair play and balance.

In all of your tirade against the bank, you didn’t even reach out to them to hear their side before you rushed to your teeming fans to shout “Access has chopped N500million.”

You already have defamation cases on your neck and if you continue at this pace, you will not only be spending more time in court than Gani Fawehnmi, but in the dock.

My brother, slow down and get an education. It’s very important.

 Congratulation, My Brother, Charles O’Tudor

Let me quickly say a huge congratulations to my brother before he blocks me. Recently he received an iconic award from a marketing body and he sent me the letter, his speech and over 30 pictures of his conferment

As I woke up this blessed morning, na Charles picture I first see and something tells me that if I don’t mention this conferment in this column today, I will suffer dire consequences.

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So my brother, I have hailed you, I have mentioned, I have even called it an iconic award so make I rest.

Don’t mind me, I just sha like to tug at your beards. You are truly an enigma who has contributed very powerfully to the space and you truly really do deserve the awards. Well done. Mbok wetin you say make I do with the speech?