Loud Whispers With JOSEPH EDGAR

Dele Farotimi: A Prisoner of Conscience

Dele placed a frantic call to me last Friday. I am an alumnus of the Afe Babalola’s ‘School of Criminal Defamation’ having gone through the road he was about to take. “Duke, e be like say that thing wey dem do you, dem one do me o” I asked “Wetin?

And he replied: “Chief Afe Babalola is coming after me.”  “My brother,” I said. “Make we go beg o, that man na titan o.”

His response was “No o! I don sue am to court on Monday, I go slam am with a suit.”

I said, “Ok o my brother, but if you need to go beg, let me know, I get experience.”

My people, we all now know what has finally happened. Dele has been ‘abducted,’ arraigned, remanded and will have his day in court.

Let me quickly state two things here – Chief Afe Babalola has won huge respect and favour in this our country. If we had just six of him spread all over the six geographical zones of the country, we would be ok. He has impacted the judiciary and education in a way that no Nigerian, living or dead in government or out of it has done. I think it is only MKO Abiola who may have reached those heights before he was distracted by politics.

Aare is highly revered and rightfully so. He is a god. He is god to me and when I went to prostrate for him, I did that with full humility to his age, his accomplishments and his passion for Nigeria. In return, he sat me down and tutored me for hours about Nigeria, his trajectory and why he remains so passionate about the country despite his age.

I left there a better man.

But daddy is wont to overreact at times. Small thing, he has carried police and this is exactly what has happened with this Dele’s case.

I have read parts of the book and my people, it was blood everywhere. Dele tore at the elder statesman with no mercy. He called him names, attempted to shred his legacy and at this time in daddy’s age, remains a wicked thing to do.

But in all of these, moving against him in this manner justifies what he had alluded to in his book – control of the establishment.

A man should not lose his personal liberty over an opinion, no matter how outlandish. These are lawyers o – one giant and one eaglet, this should have given both an opportunity to square it out in court without the involvement of the gra gra the police used to bring into things like this and the seeming infringement of his basic rights.

It is in this regard that I hereby name Mr. Dele Farotomi a Prisoner of Conscience and as such, plead very fervently for his immediate release especially as we have just been told that the charges against him – defamation – is not a criminal offence in Lagos where he resides and where the said book was allegedly published.

Mbok, make una leave this man abeg, no be every small thing we will be putting police on the road abeg.

Tony Elumelu:  A Prince of Tides

You know that this our oga is a show man. His arrival at the recent Paris event where he signed an expansion of services with the French Minister of Finance and with the Presidents of Nigeria and France standing behind him and smelling is perfume gave some of us a lot of pride.

Mr. Elumelu has come a long way from that hot afternoon when it was announced that a generation of bank MDs must leave to this point where he has stewarded the bank as its Chairman to become one of the largest financial conglomerates of African origin.

I have just learnt that with about 25,000 employees, the UBA group is probably one of the largest on the continent and that the expansion agreement signed was just a natural progression since they were already operating in 11 Francophone countries making France their European Union hub.

Na why he appear at the venue like James Bond, emerging from his car with red socks, buttoning his suit and walking in slow motion to the pulsating sound of afrobeat announcing the arrival of the man.

Well done sir and well done to the whole team at UBA for such grand work. Thanks

Folake Ani-Mumunney: Elegant Damsel, Elegant Exit

It was my sister, the extremely brilliant Abim of the Marketing team at First Bank who first drew my attention to the matter. “Duke, Folake is going. Won’t you say something?

Kai, I looked through and saw reports of the exit of my dear big sister Folake Ani-Mumunney from First Bank and was immediately filled with mixed feelings.

I hear she had spent close to 30 years on the seat and in that period had managed very brilliantly the different phases of the Bank’s evolution with much brilliance.

It was she who gave me my first sponsorship at First Bank. It was N100,000 and I remember running the length and breadth of the Marina from the Apogbon end to the State House end with the cheque waving in the air and with people staring at me like a mad man. First Bank supporting my dream? It was unbelievable.

Folake carried herself with elegance, her confidence remained crazily engaging, and her brilliance supernatural, all carried with the beauty of a Yoruba Greek goddess. Mbok, if you have never met her before, go and find her and just stare.

The woman used to intimidate me with her brilliance and beauty and that is why I no dey sabi argue with her. She will call me and say, “ Edgar, you know we do not joke with you but this time, we will not deal.” I will smile and say, ‘My sister, thanks so very much for the rejection.” I will smile after dropping the phone and say to myself- that is a professional.

If you now juxtapose her approach to her job with the mumu people who lead other marketing teams in Nigeria’s corporate world, you will just die of laughter. You will see big heads who have no power, have no intelligence but first will not take your call for years and be forming busy. When they eventually pity you and take your call, they will be talking to you like you are some scum and finally, they will say “We will get back to you,” and that one, you will wait till resurrection morning and nothing from them.

Folake redefined professionalism in that space, she wrote a new manual and that is why I am sure everybody at First Bank will just be shaking their head in despair at this inevitable departure.

My dear Aunty, well done is all I can say for now. Well done, you certainly did it your way. God bless you.

Kunle Afolayan: Is Netflix Going or Coming?

Mbok, we just heard the shocking news that Netflix is leaving Nigeria. They said it was the mercurial filmmaker, Kunle Afolayan that said it. Coming from him, the public took it very seriously.

Kunle is a pillar in the industry and his films make us proud internationally. I hear he is amongst the very few you have to go through to get a hearing if you want to place your movie on the Netflix platform

But just as the news was sinking in, another report came from Netflix saying basically that they don’t know what Kunle is talking about. They even went ahead to restate their commitment to the industry which I hear is worth about $25 million annually.

This is my take. E be like say Nigerians don carry their mago mago go there again. You know we never do anything according to international best practices

Rumours are rife that you can only get through to Netflix through a tiny cabal who have most likely secured our slots for themselves and allowed the rest to struggle and in that kind of struggle all sorts will be deployed.

Even before now, I hear it’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a movie not sanctioned by this cabal to get through, and as such, many producers have given up

Today, I can say very emphatically that more people like my brother Kofi da Guru are self-promoting their productions through other platforms including ARISE Play.

So this cry be like cry of cabal as maybe Netflix wants to change operational procedure.

For me, if Netflix or any other platform wants to get the very best of our rich talents, they must ensure a democratised level playing field if not, make dem go.

We cannot continue to support a platform with our N7,000 monthly only for a few to be cashing out while the rest of us are left watching Scooby Doo on the platform.

So this is a lesson to all because as I dey so, I really don’t care if they stay or go since na only six people film they are showing and they don’t even show porn. Shior!

Well Done Aero, But…

My people the cost of going to Uyo is now what we used to pay to go to Australia. The other day, my great friend Mr. Austin Ebose and I went to visit an elder statesman in his humble abode. Austin was taken away by the humble demeanour of the statesman, former senator, minister and governor but yet seemed very fulfilled and contented in the only house he had, having built it with a bank loan of N80,000 just after the civil war.

There and then, Austin offered to buy his ticket to the east for the holidays.

My people na N1.8m we see for oga and his wife. I screamed. Oh my God. To Uyo na about N400,000 return. Some tickets are hitting N600,000 return.

Going by road is out with the level of insecurity that has taken over. Did you guys hear about the kidnappers who took all the passengers in a bus and are asking for N100m ransom?

So, when in all these, I heard that Nigeria’s oldest airline was now offering tickets on all domestic flights for N80,000, I first calm down o.

That is how one big cement manufacturer offered cement at N6,000 and could not meet the demand and ended up selling at multiples of three the actual price.

So, this Aero own is more delicate o. Much as we welcome the offer which according to them is to give back during this season, the fear for safety, scheduling efficiency and capacity to handle the deluge is uppermost in my mind as I write.

Make person no go dey sing another song because of N90,000. My people, please if you cannot guarantee safety, and efficiency and do not have the capacity, make una leave us o. If we cannot pay those outrageous sums, we will fall back on witchcraft to be flying in brooms to our destinations. Na beg. Didn’t even know they were still flying o.

It Wasn’t Mohammed El-Rufai

It was Fela who sang “When trouble sleep, yanga go wake am…” This na real wahala people dey find.

One blog just very gleefully announced that this young man has been caught with huge sums of money and has been busted by the EFCC.

The first inkling of the “fakeness” of this story was the fact that no major news outlet carried it. Let me kuku advise those of you who have stopped buying newspapers and are relying on these two Kobo blogs for your newsfeed, you are wallowing in the sewer of fake news. 80% of things you see in those Kwashiorkor blogs are fake or recycled old news and if you run with them, eventually, you too will become a fake person.

This particular one was so fake that even the target was able to quickly shoot it down. The story had come with footage of large wads of currency in different denominations that we later saw were images taken from much earlier reports that had nothing whatsoever to do with the target but were earlier seizures from a bureau de change.

They even further coloured the story by saying, that two EFCC agents were killed during the raid.

Me I don’t like this particular El-Rufai, especially with the way he runs his mouth but coming at him like this is banal and totally unacceptable.

This is the kind of thing we should be deploying Ekiti police to tackle since they have shown tremendous capacity in “abducting” this kind of people. Help… I don run for cover o.

Rauf Aregbesola and His

Adulterated Alfa

You all know that Daddy has been out in the cold and it is harsh out there o. Hungry dey and it’s all of the misery. So, in trying for a quick rehabilitation, the highly revered Oba of Lagos has been quoted to have said that the chief may have been misguided by some alfas.

My people, we have so many fake things in this country to the extent that we now have fake alfas. I always knew that this was in existence especially as I have been a victim.

One day in Shomolu as a young kid, I was in love with a pretty damsel. I was not just in love but was crazy about her. But the lady didn’t even give me face. Nothing I said or did interested her and in frustration, I mentioned to my friend Rasaki who told me that he had an alfa that would give me something that would make the girl not only love me but agree to be impregnated by me.

In enthusiasm, I allowed him to take me to see the alfa. It was on Adebiyi Street, the intersection of Awoseyin Street on the way to Shomolu Market.

The man gave me a leather pouch and broke a guinea fowl egg on it, rubbed it all over the pouch and put it out to dry in the sun. He asked me to put it in my pocket and go and talk to the girl, that I would see that the girl would just fall and marry me and bear my children.

For his services, I paid him with my mother’s Eleganza coolers. I didn’t have cash but my mother was a collector and didn’t even notice that I used it as “paro” to raise cash. That was how I gave this alfa two giant coolers and ran away.

My people, na slap I receive o. The Igbo girl slapped the Eleganza cooler out of my face. I brought out the amulet in front of her to see if it still had a network, shook the thing, put it back in my pocket and started again. The slap was hot and I ran home in tears.

My mother seeing me cry asked what happened and I stupidly told her and received further beating. She asked me to take her back to the alfa to retrieve her coolers. I asked her to kuku take knife and cut my throat, that I was not going back before the alfa turned me into a cockroach.

So it is looking like it is the grandson of this my fake alfa that “Aregbe” must have gone to, according to Kabiyesi’s reported speech. Abi how else do we explain his utterly very childish decision to go after his maker?

Mbok even me, I siddon here perplex for am. Who goes after Obong Tinubu in this age? The man is simply unstoppable and I am sure it was not only fake alfas that must have pushed him, there will also be some level of hypnotism inside that matter. Anyways, Kabiyesi has spoken and I hope the powers that be are listening. It is really cold out there, I swear.

Bikiya Graham-Douglas: Through the Fire

Let me close this week by talking small about my sister Bikiya Graham Douglas. I met her in Abuja last week at the grand finale of the NAFEST which pulled in cultural troupes from all over Nigeria.

Bikiya is a force in theatre and culture and her Abuja theatre festival is growing so much that you cannot help but hug her and say well done.

I hear this year that she has attracted foreign participation, pulled in better sponsors and gained tremendous traction and for this, I say well done my sister.