Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR 

Monday Okpebholo: Soni Irabor to the Rescue 

It was a national shame and I’m stating this boldly, particularly now that one can easily be abducted for saying their mind. Despite their claims that the clip was doctored, NTA reportedly streamed the whole “rubbish” live. Even if the report was doctored, the whole world knows that this “dem Governor” is challenged in that area.

This is what Edo State got after ordering a fine cuisine. As I watched the clip, I told myself that Edo don carry last for this one. You know Edo people always brag and say dem no dey carry last. Edo don carry last for this one and true, true, Edo no be Lagos.

Lagos despite the “hereditary monarchy” going on there, will not bring someone that figures confuse to run the place. If you see the résumés of all those who have ruled Lagos, you will first fear before you start shouting.

You will not discount their capacity and intellect as you are shouting ‘Eko ti baje o’ with the selection going on.

The boldness of it all is my angst here. You know you have a basic challenge, you rough am become Senator, then you rough am become governor and expect that since we really do not have a choice we will sit down and listen to all of this.

The other “yellow” man carry him big head and come and be saying crap – Asue has stolen billions, Monday has not stolen and that is why he cannot call out the figures. How about Monday no go school.

Mbok, nothing wrong with not going to school, but there is a lot wrong with trying to force illiteracy on us especially when there are ample opportunities to better yourself while still in office. Didn’t Obasanjo go to Open University, didn’t Gowon go to university, why can’t Monday just go and register in evening school and save us all this skin cringing gaffes.

This is where my egbon Soni Irabor comes in and thankfully, he is an Edo man.

In the 80s, Soni was the lead character in the popular TV show ‘Second Chance,’ where adult education was the direction. Soni is still well and alive, he is living in Lagos and I have his number. He should be drafted quickly into this matter to coordinate a second chance for una governor.

Mbok, nobody should let confusion make them come and try to abduct me o. Me I am not Dele o, I be breeze and my Mama na witch. Go and ask the people who abducted him what happened when they tried to abduct me. 

Monday, go school, it’s as simple as that. Go evening school. Thank you

KASHIM SHETTIMA: DON’T SPOIL IT

Mbok, Mr. VP, you know I like you so don’t push it. Don’t come and spoil this Kemi fight, we already have it under control. Your coming out to cite our population as the only canon fodder against the damaging attack she has leveraged on us, is just very funny and pitiable.

So, Mr. VP, she cited insecurity and crime as a main reason for calling us bastards, citing how she was hearing neighbours in her Surulere home scream for help and in response, you cannot give her statistics of how the situation has improved or dropping increase in police budgets and that kind of thing?

And if you do not have the figures as I suspect that things have gone worse since she left – shebi her time it was house burglary, now na full kidnapping of local governments complete with Police DPO and Garrison Commanders – you should have cited crime figures in that her UK.

Who is even advising you sef? Knife crimes are on the increase, sex crimes are on the rise daily in the UK, you cannot quote that for her and say “Look, you too have these issues as there is no society without crime and we are working very hard to gift Nigerians the safety they so deserve.”

Is it to say we are the most populous country in the world by 2025 or that one out of every four black men in the world is a Nigerian? Mbok, how is that an achievement? That we are procreating like rabbits? Who that one help Obong Shettima? Abeg my brother, please let me repeat, you know I really do like you, don’t be looking for my trouble like this, don’t be letting me stroke you na. This thing you have made me do, is really paining me because you have supported me and I must in turn show respect but you didn’t help me with that pedestrian talk.

As for you Kemi, let me tell you something, Nigeria is truly a giant with some of the most brilliant people in this world. We have gifted the UK some of your most accomplished people, we have gifted the world intellectuals and statesmen.

We continue to face our challenges with strong resolve to sort them and let me assure you that we will overcome them in our lifetime.

UDUAK UDO: A FUNNY KIND OF SLIP

This one has shot himself into national limelight with an incredible slip. How for the life of me would someone be congratulating another for the loss of his wife no matter his state of mind or level of education?

Even though he has come out to apologise and attempt to reprise the “stupidity,” the gaffe still rankles and remains annoying.

This leads me to the selection of human capital into sensitive and powerful positions not only in Akwa Ibom but nationwide. That is how Sanwo-Olu’s media aide the other day went to say that those who burnt down TVC were “hunted and killed.”

Appointments in this clime is very far from professional. It sits very firmly on cronyism. It is used as a reward for electoral delivery and we all know how these things get done. So, you see a government with cultist, hardmen, agberos, touts and those kinds of people populating all those senior advisers, special advisers, SSA cadre.

The most obvious are those Special Advisers on youth affairs, welfare and that kind thing. Just go and check it out, all those people who are holding those positions nationwide and you will see why they will be congratulating the Governor for losing his wife or asking soldiers to hunt and kill civilians. Rubbish.

EMIR MUHAMMAD SANUSI: A DIFFERENT KIND OF SLAP

Headlines can be misleading ooo and another thing again is social media. These two can put someone in abducting trouble if you know what I mean.

So, this headline came screaming out – Emir Sanusi has asked his daughters to slap their husbands back if they are slapped and then all sorts of social media commentaries followed with all manners of innuendoes.

My people, knowing the intellectual height of Emir Sanusi, I just knew that there was no way in the world that he would ask his daughters to be doing “slap me, I slap you.”

So, I went into research mode. I read his full speech and saw it in the context he was talking about. According to him, over 40% of cases in Sharia courts across over nine Northern states were domestic violence cases. Not just tiny slap o, but major brawls leading to massive injuries, loss of limbs and teeth, among others.

So in this context, his statement was meant to once again bring to the fore this crazy issue and we all just went and took it literally.

I have met some of Emir Sanusi’s daughters and I must say from their looks, beauty, comportment and pedigree, you will rather surrender yourself to be slapped by them daily for the rest of your life than slap them.

Mbok, my dear Emir Sanusi, you know we really have to build bridges between Kano and Shomolu and also by extension Akwa Ibom, so you will not by any chance have a spare daughter, I may come and marry. I won’t mind being slapped by the ever-glowing beauties that adorn your home. I have your numbers, can I call on this urgent matter?

GBADEBO RHODES VIVOUR VS SEYI TINUBU: A SIGHT TO BEHOLD

My dream Lagos State gubernatorial debate would be against these two. I swear, the ratings will go through the roof. It will be another Mike Tyson vs Jake Paul fight. There will be drama, comedy, suspense and it will end in a fight as the “agberos” on either side will jump at each other and Seyi will jump on his skateboard and skate away in time to join his father on another state visit.

Gbadebo will come in white but backed by his mothers’ “Igbo” people singing “nzogbu nzogbu.” The “Obidients” and young Yoruba intellectuals will also be behind him. The Isale Eko, Epe, Badagry and Ikorodu people who form the indigenous people of Lagos and who are angry with these Ogun and Iragbiji people who have taken over their state will be behind him with placards screaming “give us back our land.”

But have you ever wondered why they say Lagos is no man’s land? It’s because from governor to godfather, to deputy governor, to speaker to all the House of Assembly to most of the commissioners are originally from other states. Kai, they will soon beat me o in this Lagos. Lol.

Anyways, Seyi will come with NURTW, the whole APC framework, DSS for his safety and his colleagues at the Federal Executive Council with VP Shettima also coming to lend support. Since na debate, they will ask Governor Monday Okpebholo of Edo State to stay clear, he will be needed on the streets on election day. While the introduction is going on, Gbadebo will be going through his notes, prepping and juggling figures and Seyi will be on TikTok and generally just smiling.

“Opening shots guys,” Dr Abati would say, still wearing his bowtie and pink suit, looking like a grandmaster flash.

Gbadebo would commence: “We are the real owners of Lagos, since my fathers came back from slavery where they used them to inseminate female slaves, we have lived in Isale Eko.

“In fact, if you go there you will still see my grandfather’s testicles in a glass where they have preserved it for the amount of work it did on female slaves in Brazil…”

Seyi, your turn. He would smile, come off his phone and like his father, will call on Deji Macaulay, please answer…

My people, I am saying it o, nobody should come and abduct me o, I am not Dele Farotimi ooo, I will not go easily oo. Kai, I can find trouble.

PRINCE JULIUS ADELUSI: A MOMENT IN TIME

There is something very elegant about Centurion Julius. Still very handsome at 84, debonair and suave. Spending time with him as always is a treat.

During the week, me and my very good friend, Dr Ebose went to see him in his famous Juli Pharmacy office nestled in the bustling Ikeja Bus Stop. Prince Adeluyi is a former Minister of Health, a leading pharmacist, an elder statesman and one of those daddies that you just want to go and sit down at his feet and just listen.

He speaks like a seasoned diplomat, interspersing the same with light humour, kindness eschewing from his beautiful eyes and his powdered face gleaming in the warm Friday morning. Prince took us through history – his relationships with personalities both local and international and his thoughts on current issues.

We had so much fun that we almost did not want to leave. Spending time with Prince Julius is usually one of my most memorable moments. I simply just love the man. God bless him. It was my sister Nonny Ugboma who made it happen. Make I put her name o.

BIODUN SHOBANJO: FROM MAN TO BOY

Thanks to Tosh Adefeko, I had the rare privilege of sitting down with the advertising Czar, the great Centurion Biodun Shobanjo. My people, I had written about the anticipated sit-down some weeks ago on this same page and it finally happened o.

He came in his usual bespoke suit and bow tie and sat down at first, doing shyness with me and when the interview started, he loosened up and took me to the cleaners.

Humour for humour, yab for yab, punch for punch, he gave as good as he got and I must say, he won.

He was so handsome in looks and in expression even as he took his time to explain, describe and inform. He never lost it even as I taunted him and jabbed him, but came back at me in split seconds showing his deep intellect and the sagacity that made him an icon.

After it all, he did not know that Tosh had gathered over 30 of his closest professional colleagues including Sir Steve Omojafor, Senator Akin Odunsi, Jimi Awosika and Steve Babaeko amongst others.

It was meant to be a surprise get-together and Oga was truly and very well surprised as he walked into the room and everybody stood up and shouted “happy birthday.” As a strong Ijebu man, he no cry o like Americans used to do, but he jumped into the room shouting “Agh Steve, iwo no wa mbi, Aghhhh Akin kilo onse ni bi, Tosin -oti kpa mi, Duke ori eeeeeee!!!”

Congrats Sir, you truly and fully well deserve this and more.

ZARA EDGAR: MY LIFE, MY WORLD

Let me crave the indulgence of every one to just send a shout out to my last daughter, the ever so quiet but extremely beautiful and supremely intelligent Zara Edgar. She is my last child.

Last night, she took down the roof at her wonderful school Greensprings Lagos in a world class choreographed performance that shook the whole place.

The whole performance was too exciting as the cast and crew gave out their very best to the amazement of the crowd that was made up of parents and the general public.

God bless you my daughter and may you not slap your husband or be slapped by him. Lol. This is just to say, I love you and that you have made me and your mum, the very vertically challenged Duchess very proud. God bless you, my dear