Loud Whispers

Glitz and Glamour at ARISE Awards

It was my sad friend, Osa that yabbed me the year I was not invited to THISDAY Awards. The thing pain me o. He said “you no relevant as dem no invite you.” I called on my beautiful sister, Konye, the Style Editor and said, “Abeg, dey try to dey invite me na.”

Well, this time, it was the great Prince of Ika that invited me and I carried my three-quarter pants to Eko Convention Centre where the ARISE Awards for Women of Impact took place.

The cocktail area was filled with very beautiful people o. Hon. Chike Ogeah, looking like an Asaba Denzel Washington in his tux; my big aunties, Ruth Osime and Eno Udoh. Kai, kai, the Anumudu damsel continues to flourish oooo. Kai, come and see what she wore, I was just shaking as I hugged her. The woman fine, no be small. Then Udo Okonjo walked in looking like ‘The Lady in Red’ that Chris de Burgh sang about. Simply ravishing.

Atedo Peterside was also there in his usual bowler hat, and there were so many beautiful people.

How the Chairman pulls all these people continues to amaze me. He not only pulled them in but got them to dress up like excited teenagers going to the prom. You can feel their  elation in the way posed in front of the cameras, and generally having fun.

I did not see Editor at the event. As na glamour, Editor no show o. I look for am tire, I no see am o. Maybe when they are giving awards to NLC or that kind people, Editor will be the anchor. Kai, I sha like to yab Davidson, I think he is truly one of the greatest.

 It was a brilliant outing, one fit for the record books. Well done to the team. But did you guys see that my shoe? It was the main attraction as Hon Ogeah mentioned. “Edgar, you don mad finish. Mudi don spoil you finish.”

I replied, “Oga, abeg give me drink; your perfume want kill me.” Kai!

And The Lady Died. . .

Please bring out your hankies because this is sad. The clip hit social media with a thud.  A young Nigerian was seen  rushing his pregnant wife to the hospital. Mbok, come and see my tears as he kept begging her not to go. Kemi, please na, Kemi please na, Kemi, I love you… and Kemi will grunt as she goes in and out of consciousness.

The cabman inquired of the  hospital and he replied, “Please drive to any hospital, just drive.” He was crying as he spoke. I am equally crying as I write. “Kemi,” he pleaded, “Kemi please na. Kemi, I love you.” Kemi was losing it, Kemi could not fight.

Kemi was tired. But he didn’t agree, he wasn’t going to let her go just like that. “Drive this motherfucking taxi,” he screamed at the driver. “Kemi jo na, Kemi mai ti lo,” he begged, his eyes so teary.

Then he saw the hospital and hope rekindled, he rushed her in and they pushed them back – he had no N500,000 to pay for the deposit and she died.

God, she died, Nigeria just happened again. Leave me, let me cry my tears. Leave me, I cannot describe the pain for this young guy that I do not know, but his eyes, his plea, his love, all coming to naught. God console him.

Asue Ighodalo: Don’t Worry, Be Happy

The inevitability of this judgement is what has driven right thinking Nigerians to a certain numbness. We are now totally immune to the pain of the wickedness of the system.

In fact, if the result were different, there would have been a huge shock all over the country. So yesterday, when we saw images of the intellectually-challenged Governor of Edo State celebrating with his people the verdict, we just hissed and moved on.

Me, I was stuck in the most horrendous traffic in the history of Nigeria and as such didn’t even bother to read the story beyond seeing the images which included a seemingly “zombified” 2face walk into the INEC office with his paramour to receive the verdict.

For my brother Asue, I would say well done. For a first timer, you have done so well that it took the system to pull in all their might to stop your movement. But be rest assured that this is but a temporary hitch in the coming tsunami that will wash away the lepers who totally have abducted us.

So prepare and do not sleep with your two eyes closed, continue to oil your machinery because sooner than you know it, you will be called again to provide in-depth leadership. Well done bro, bath, relax with a shot of whiskey, drink your coffee and put your legs up, and just sleep because in the morning major work will begin. Thank you.

Natasha Akpoti-Uduaghan’s Helicopter Blues

This lady did an Awolowo for her enemies. Awo was the first in recorded history to use helicopters in campaigns.

They had reportedly banned VIP movements, rallies and  everything possible to stop the homecoming of this “enfant terrible.” They had forgotten that creating huge ditches on the road during the elections did not stop her and had also forgotten the possibility of an air incursion.

That was how we were all at the roadblocks drinking “paranga” and waiting for her motorcade. Meanwhile, Mummy just dropped from the helicopter and the crowd went gaga.

Senator Natasha has won this round in this drama fit for Netflix. No wonder, as I watched her at the ARISE TV awards, she kept whispering to her husband and I am sure they were doing money transfer to the pilot and paying for a parachute because they kept looking at their phones.

This Natasha is beginning to look like a boil in Akpabio’s backside and you know how irritating that thing can be. It will not kill you but will continue to give you discomfort and irritate you. Abi we should go and beg before this Lady will now use a parachute to land on the roof of the National Assembly. Kai!

Nigerian Airlines under Festus Keyamo

Just as I was about to comment that this Baba has been quiet for a bit and seemingly focused on his job which is amongst others to bring sanity to the aviation sector, they carry wahala come my side.

I had gone to Ekiti for Senator Bamidele’s event and had bought an Air Peace ticket to Akure and Green Africa from Akure back to Lagos.

Well, Air Peace surprised me o. They were prompt and took off and when we landed, I wanted to jump out and was told to wait small, that we were in Ilorin. I say wetin, we that will soon take off. The way they are going, they will soon be doing bus stops in the air – pilot stop here o, Ore want drop o, or wait make we reach Lokoja before una drop.

Anyways, they did well and dropped us in Akure. Wahala was now on my way back, I rushed to Akure from Ekiti only to hear that the flight had been cancelled and saw FAAN staff washing their clothes, taking their baths and doing what people do in an airport that has no traffic usually and the only one flight coming was cancelled.

Mbok, I was mad and cursed. A ticket we bought just three days ago and now they have cancelled with no email or phone call. One of the people there now offered to take me to Lagos for N200,000. I agreed and we risked being kidnapped, accident, police, Amoteku, Fulani herdsmen and all of that and arrived in Lagos in one piece.

Just as I was about to go to my shrine and lay curses on Festus, NCAA and Green Africa, I now heard that someone seized all of their planes in one day but that they have just bought a new one thanks to Access Bank.

I just weak, what else can one say but to join them in prayers, it cannot be easy trying to do business in Nigeria. I forgive Green Africa and ask that they should use my airfares to pay off their debts or better still, convert it to equity so that I can be a shareholder. Pele my people, it is well, God will bless your airline and you will grow to be the biggest airline on the continent. You have my support and my money.

Forgive Me, Bolanle Austen-Peters

She walked into the Signature Suite venue of the ARISE Awards, looking very beautiful and regal. I rushed to her and gave her a hug and a light peck on her luscious cheeks. Bolanle is the mother of modern theatre, a visioner and builder and much more importantly, the first to dash me N200,000 when Nicholas sacked me to start a new journey in theatre.

“Why you block me?” I attacked. I noticed that she had blocked me on WhatsApp and I could not reach her again. “Why won’t I block you when you are yabbing my Papa,” she enthused in laughter.

Her Papa being Aare Afe Babalola, the giant of jurisprudence. Chief was under public fire for the way he had reacted to Dele Farotimi’s book and I joined the hallelujah chorus to fire chief.

I had gone through almost the same route as Dele but I rushed to beg to avoid with the skin of my teeth the notorious Ekiti gulag and it was Bolanle that joined to save me.

Oya, don’t vex again my sister, oya take Coca Cola relax make you no spoil your make-up. She laughed and hugged me back – such a sweet soul.

Edgar, you are crazy o. Don’t mind me o. You are taking me too seriously o. Mbok hug me and let’s eat afang one of these days, I placated her.

She went on to win an award and delivered such a beautiful speech that got the audience falling over themselves to salute her.

Well done my sister, you are a gem.

Isaac Fayose: A Different Kind of Critic

This is former Governor Fayose’s younger brother and I simply just love him. His cryptic posts and commentaries on Nigerian life used to just tickle me. He advocates the marrying of many wives, stating that he has many and if the existing ones disturb him too much, he will marry a new one.

He sent N500,000 to musician Asake’s father the other day even as he warned men that as fathers we should not wait for any child o, that the mothers have captured them.

Even his brother is not spared. Attacking and humiliating that one at every turn. His deliveries are always laced with wicked sarcasm and humour and the thing just used to make me fall on the ground and laugh.

Mbok, anybody that can link me with him should just do it. I would really love to spend time with this ‘mad man’ and learn. He is a fearless genius. Kai.

 Mo Abudu: A Landmark Achievement

She has just announced the acquisition of a huge complex in central London for the purposes of facilitating the African cultural odyssey.

This lady that is on all of the most powerful lists of influential people in the world continues to make waves. She is simply unstoppable and this latest acquisition would really lead to the effective penetration of our entertainment space in the international space.

Even though she has “blocked” me and no dey greet me when I see her – not that I even care o, it still doesn’t stop me from saying a hearty congratulation to her for this bold step. Well done sis.

Mustapha Chike-Obi:

I Totally Disagree

Discussions with this Oga who is the Chairman of Fidelity Bank can be very rich. He is today one of the most cerebral in the land. His understanding of the issues and the brilliance of his advocacy makes him a rich pitstop in the journey to clarity.

On the back of the monstrous profits that the banks have been reporting – for those of you under the rock, almost all the banks have been reporting profits running into trillions.

All of them o, even those that cannot fund the opening of a buka are declaring trillions – so I wrote a masterpiece trying to explain to befuddled Nigerians how they are making the money and where it is coming from and why there is still no real effective liquidity in the market despite the trillions.

I sent the write up to Mr. Obi knowing full well that he would not be able to resist the call for a “fight.” I dropped my phone for a while to check if NCC had not carried out the threat to ban porn, only to come back to see three missed calls from Oga. He had taken the bait as expected.

What followed was a powerful rendition of the situation. By the time Oga finished with me, I would have passed with a first-class degree in banking and finance if I took the exam that morning. Lord killed me o – “Edgar, the money is not the same. By the time you factor in inflation, you will see that what we have is growth in profits but value remaining the same.”

He talked o. He said the only way the economy can grow is if the real sector pushes. He mentioned some ministries – Education, Agric, Finance, Trade and investments and one more that I have forgotten as those who are well positioned to engender this growth.

He also talked about the importance of the Chief Economic Adviser to the President being the most important and strategic person in the fight.

Now this is where I disagree. What I took out of the convo was that as  capitalists, the banks were first and foremost responsible to their shareholders’ and expected value and if the inclement environment was buffeting them, then they have to grow their profits any which way to at least maintain value. If I am wrong on this summation please forgive me.

My own take is that all hands should be on deck especially where the government seems to have collapsed with obtuse policies and “mumu” appointments to strategic places.

With these profits, whether they are real or not, the banks can morph into agents of real growth working with their regulators to push funding into strategic sectors of the economy while dictating processes, corporate governance, accountability as criteria for receiving credit, grants and subventions.

If these profits are real, then these banks are by far richer than a lot of state governments, and as such they must begin to redefine their ethos and start looking at being developmentally expansive.

Nollywood did it. They just shoved the government aside and built a N3 trillion industry, creating jobs, impacting infrastructure and earning forex.

So, it is not to be dressing like Michael Jackson and flying private jets and behaving like a superstar Bank MD, giving lectures up and down. It is now time to roll up the sleeves and rebuild the economy. If the little children of Nollywood can do it, then our banks should do it. Chikena. No vex.